c'est moi
Dreams are dodgy things. Lets put it that way. Dreams can be beautiful. They can also be dark and evil. Dreams can haunt the imagination. They can elude us, taunt us.
The other night I dreamt that Dominik "broke up" with me. I use the quotations because Dominik and I are not officially boyfriends. So how could he break up with me? Like I said before, dreams are dodgy things. Somewhere in my heart there is the desire to be Dominik's boyfriend. I cannot deny that, nor will I. The desire manifested itself in my dream.
I saw Dominik. He never faced me. His voice was his. His face was his. When he "broke up" with me, he never told me why. I was lost. Confused. I couldn't understand why and I wouldn't accept it. I felt I deserved more than what he gave me.
An illumination.
We spoke earlier tonight. He told me some things that did put me down a little. He didn't insult me at all. He just wanted to let me know that there are things going on in his life that prevent him from wanting to take things to the next level. View it however you like. You might see it as a warning for me to just forget pursuing him. I don't see it that way.
I've said it many times to both Dominik and other people: I'm happy with where things are right now. He might not be emotionally available to me now. But who knows what the future will bring? He doesn't know if he'll be in Seattle a year from now. He doesn't know if he'll want to come back from Germany if/when he goes next year.
...
Nobody knows what the future will bring.
But what I do know, what I'm feeling now, is that I will not let this get to me. I have to take this in stride. I know what I'm investing myself in. If he does end up leaving, sure I'll be disappointed. Sad. I can take that. What I have to realize is that he is **letting me know**
He isn't keeping me in the dark. I hate the darkness. The darkness of doubt, suspicion, jealousy ... it was what consumed me not too long ago. This dark unhappiness. It washed over me and I allowed it. It took shape and life. I allowed it to live for five years. But now I have begun to fight back. The shape and life of that darkness is cracking and it will soon be nothing but a memory.
In my dream Dominik "broke up" with me. It could be a premonition. It is a thought that has crossed my mind that we would never get to the next level. But I also refused to give up.
Good things come to those who wait. But they can also come to those who strive and work for what they want. Look at me now. I did strive to get where I am now. I let go of my past and looked forward into a brighter future.
I will not let this get me down. I will fight to get what I want if I have to. The darkness will not get the best of me again.
I'm feeling better already...
The other night I dreamt that Dominik "broke up" with me. I use the quotations because Dominik and I are not officially boyfriends. So how could he break up with me? Like I said before, dreams are dodgy things. Somewhere in my heart there is the desire to be Dominik's boyfriend. I cannot deny that, nor will I. The desire manifested itself in my dream.
I saw Dominik. He never faced me. His voice was his. His face was his. When he "broke up" with me, he never told me why. I was lost. Confused. I couldn't understand why and I wouldn't accept it. I felt I deserved more than what he gave me.
An illumination.
We spoke earlier tonight. He told me some things that did put me down a little. He didn't insult me at all. He just wanted to let me know that there are things going on in his life that prevent him from wanting to take things to the next level. View it however you like. You might see it as a warning for me to just forget pursuing him. I don't see it that way.
I've said it many times to both Dominik and other people: I'm happy with where things are right now. He might not be emotionally available to me now. But who knows what the future will bring? He doesn't know if he'll be in Seattle a year from now. He doesn't know if he'll want to come back from Germany if/when he goes next year.
...
Nobody knows what the future will bring.
But what I do know, what I'm feeling now, is that I will not let this get to me. I have to take this in stride. I know what I'm investing myself in. If he does end up leaving, sure I'll be disappointed. Sad. I can take that. What I have to realize is that he is **letting me know**
He isn't keeping me in the dark. I hate the darkness. The darkness of doubt, suspicion, jealousy ... it was what consumed me not too long ago. This dark unhappiness. It washed over me and I allowed it. It took shape and life. I allowed it to live for five years. But now I have begun to fight back. The shape and life of that darkness is cracking and it will soon be nothing but a memory.
In my dream Dominik "broke up" with me. It could be a premonition. It is a thought that has crossed my mind that we would never get to the next level. But I also refused to give up.
Good things come to those who wait. But they can also come to those who strive and work for what they want. Look at me now. I did strive to get where I am now. I let go of my past and looked forward into a brighter future.
I will not let this get me down. I will fight to get what I want if I have to. The darkness will not get the best of me again.
I'm feeling better already...