Not For the Faint Hearted..

[martyrdog]

Please don't share it with any of your friends as this has nothing to do with anyone other than you and I.. I've also had to edit and make two seperate posts as it was too long

!!!There needs to be caution mentioned. None of this is intended to hurt or offend you in anyway. It's not intended to make you feel uncomfortable. Some of it may not be easy for you to read as it does mention our past. It's also a very long read, but I had to tell you everything that bothers me, everything that is on my mind. I just have to make sure you understand that.!!!

So... here goes nothing...

I don't really quite know where to start. Perhaps I should start by stating the obvious. It's clear by the message I sent you on the 22nd of March that I miss Frankie. Obviously, as also mentioned, I miss you too. If that's not clear, then by the end of you reading this post, it soon will be. I say that because you're the reason why I wrote this. You both are. I wrote this to clear the air. To throw down my cards so you can see it all. You've seen most, you know how I feel., how difficult it's been trying to sort shit out.  
I know we both said some unnecessarily nasty, crass, horrible things to each other and I for one deeply regret the entire situation. I didn't want this to happen. I obviously still don't. The reason why I wished to speak to you on the phone was as I said in the text on the 10th of March, to get a better understanding and avoid the situation we ended up in entirely. Communication is important to me and it was not some kind of trick, just to get you to talk to me because we hadn't spoke on the phone for days. It was to gain clarity, to get some idea what you were thinking, to get a better understanding of the situation and the only way I feel that's possible to do so, is and was by speaking on the phone via verbal communication.

Hate comes from anger and sadness, they lead a person on a winding, twisted pathway of spiteful, meaningless words that cause suffering, pain and hurt to all parties involved. None of those words matter now that they're said. They were messages of frustration, anger and sadness. In a moment of clarity, one tends to see the bigger picture, the light sometimes becomes blinding. I understand that now. I made contact with you in last year because I felt that there was no more pain and sadness in my heart. I swallowed my pride, I had gotten past my stubbornness and to this day, I will never regret reconnecting.

While things might seem dark and there might be a cold stench that makes you fear what may be, I can assure you, you have nothing to fear. You had no need to push me away as you have tried to do so many times before. I would never have abandoned you nor your son. The road is long and yet beside you both, regardless of its destination, I will walk with you. I refuse to give up on you and I refuse to let this darkness consume you, Frank or anyone I care so deeply about. I will not let it consume me again ever.

I hope you understand that while you might be still in anguish over what was said, please understand those words were said in the heat of the moment. People say the most horrid things when they're afraid, when they're angry and when they're hurting. I am no different. Nor are you. Because we're human, because we all have emotions and we deal with things differently. Sometimes, we react badly to messages that would have been left better as voices. I'm not afraid anymore. You shouldn't be either. I pray that you open your heart and that you listen to it. I pray that what ever confliction resides inside your mind, what ever battle you feel you're fighting that you understand, you are not alone.

I understand that you have been dealing with a lot of stress, but you have to understand that I too have been under enormous stress my end. This whole ordeal with Aaron, no matter how much you believed to be true has been incredibly difficult for me to deal with. The last two years more specifically has been very hard to get my head around after I left work. Not to mention the weight loss, the lack of sleep as a result our situation in just five days. What I can't understand is how either of us let any of this happen. How did we let it get this far?
One minute your telling me you want me to move over, the next you tell me you want move on with your life, and can't be wasting time on a man on the other side of the country? How can I possibly understand where your thought process is when you're not even clear on what you want, let alone won't even talk to me about what's going on. I'm not trying to offend by saying that at all.
I find it frustrating because it honestly seems like you may not even know what it is you want(?) I don't know. I don't know because you've never actually talked to me about what it is you want.

My stress involved a lot more than just Aaron, or family issues. Not having an income since I quit and only surviving on bare minuscule remaining super funds, I had limited any spending capabilities. Essentials like bills, quit smoking aids, fuel and the very occasional fifty had to be prioritized over fixing a computer that while temperamental, was not entirely inoperable and I couldn't justify hiring or leasing a machine when the funds were simply not available. I've not bought materialistic items like Star Wars figures or anything else that I could not deem necessary to my essential living, with the exception of the C920, the two flags, the red ensign patch and the southern cross t-shirt. Fighting for freedom was what I felt, something every Australian should be doing. Anything SW related however, was preordered and paid in full, prior to this year.

My only lie to you in 15 years, aside from the horrible words, the nasty name calling, was that when I said you weren't my type. It was spiteful, untrue and there is nothing more inaccurate in any of the words texted to you that day, or thereafter for that matter. It caused more unnecessary hurt that neither of us wished to bear the brunt of.

My Mums heart condition, her Arterial Fibrillation is real. My thoughts of suicide were real and the intent was there. My decision to talk to you was as a friend to a friend. I helped you numerous times. I comforted you from afar (unfortunately), but I was there to listen when you most needed it. I needed you to do the same. I needed your help, I needed you to listen.
There was no ulterior motive or some sort of scheme to devise a way to get you to talk to me. I don't do games other than video games. They're cold, callus and they causes more unnecessary hurt when all we want most in this world, is to love and be loved. I don't manipulate people to do my bidding as I can't stand it when people try to do it to me. I'm just simply not that type of person.

Regardless of what you believe, I do not hate you. Far from it. It's actually entirely the opposite end of that scale. The answer to questions I dug deep to ask myself did scare me at first, but that's due to insecurities that have arisen over time, thanks to past experiences with relationships and not forgetting people I once knew, trusted friends from high-school. Those are things I'm still trying to deal with, on top of everything else, including our past. Perhaps once this business with Aaron is all over, I'll reach out and contact them as well, but to get closure.

This is where things will be hard to revisit.

In 2007, we started talking through through the dating site RedHotPie and then through MSN. After developing feelings for you, I decided to fly over to meet you, to see where those feelings would lead. Unfortunately, you left me at the airport heart broken. Thinking back now I don't remember too much of what exactly happened that day, I just remember being incredibly upset that the woman who I really liked and felt very close and attached to, didn't want to pick me up. You didn't answer my calls, you hardly responded in texts, but thinking of it now yes, I understand a majority of why you didn't respond or pick up. I even understand now why you didn't meet me at the airport like I was hoping you would. I do have to admit, I couldn't even imagine how you must have felt when Toby also came over. That must have made things even worse for you. We were both pretty stunned when we found out about each other. Playing us like that was not cool.

That's all in the past now. I received an apology from you for that and I forgave you and moved on. As did Toby. He's happily married now. I got back in contact with Toby because I felt bad, even though he's since accepted my apology for doing so. He was a good mate back then, he still is. It wasn't fair of me to give him the flick because of what happened between the three of us in Brisbane, or just because I couldn't handle that you were still friends. I wasn't sure if you were talking to him about me or what the case was. It fucked with my head. I fobbed him off at the time, for my own sanity. I did so to be able to trust you again. Even now, right this second I want to trust you like I did. I trusted you with my life as I'm sure you are aware.

In 2016 when my father died, Dad's death sparked a multitude of events that I never thought possible. Not just the traumatic nightmares and constant flashbacks, but family members were eyeing things off before he's even in the ground, staking claims and causing further issues raised within the family.
One such issue was Elizabeth's announcement not long after dad died that my mums sister's husband, who I refer to only as "Jim" now, not "Uncle Jim", touched her up when she was 12. She went to the police, but here in W.A, groping isn't considered criminal offence. The investigating officers apparently mentioned that was what it was I'm guessing, as a result of what she told them. No one was the wiser of that happening until after dads died.

But then, 4 years later, you hit a nerve in 2020 by saying I'll never see my father again. My "What's the point of it all?" question the night before, was because I was really quite upset that my family by what you were saying, wouldn't or couldn't ascend with us. I want you to imagine being told by someone who never met your parents, that you'll never see them again because you're selfish. Imagine for a moment what I felt. Unfortunately yet another situation due to not being on the phone verbally. I love my father. I love my mother. Please don't ever say something like that again.

For the record, yes that is forgiven still. I hold no resentment towards you for that, it just hurts when anyone uses my deceased father as a means to get their point across. Adam said something in relation to "Yeah and I suppose Cancer isn't real either." after a comment I made about covid being s hoax in 2019. Needless to say, being at work didn't stop me from screaming my guts out and going off at him in front of everyone, including the manager.

Recent events well.. as you know, I climbed the fig tree with intent. I slipped and nearly did. Wanting to do what I nearly ended up doing was the was the most stupidest, selfishness acts that I will never forgive myself for and I'm sorry you had to read that in a text message. I just knew you wouldn't answer if I called. Both mum and dad taught me that forgiveness is divine. To forgive those that trespass against us, including those that hurt us. I made the decision to forgive people so many times because of who I am. Because it's in my nature. So far, Aaron was one of those I chose to forgave. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I did you. As mum did you. My family I will try to include in that forgiveness some day.

If it's not already too late. I've lost count how many times I've lost sleep over you, over this. If I'm saying your name in my sleep when I was with Rene, with her sleeping beside me, how much more proof do you need that you have had a massive impact on my life? You've known me a large chunk of my life.
I've wronged you and I regret all of it, more than words can express on a screen. I tried to let go, I've tried to get angry at you, I've even tried to hate you and give up. But for what ever reason it is, there is something in my very soul telling me not to.
I still to this day wish we retained our friendship, it was important to me. You are important to me. Just how important well, I think the that song should have explained that.

Now days, after current events of segregation, division and being cast out of the family, being accused of "isolating mum", then both Louise's and more recently, Elizabeth's decision to block and delete me on Facebook, none of the ascension issue bothers me now. They made their decision to do so, for what ever reason it may have been. I can't change that. It's not up to me to apologize to them for something that was a figment of their imagination. It's up to them to claim their own salvation, but as mentioned, I would like to try and repair that situation also.

My "obsession" with you is and was non-existent. As for possession/possessive, I have absolutely no idea where you got the idea I was treating you like that, I never believed you were an "object" and I'm confused how I some how made you feel that way. I was really surprised when you mentioned all that in the text message. I was your friend, you were mine. I considered you to be my best friend which is why I thought we spoke so much on the phone. If you refer to me saying "love you bye" or something similar, I do, you know that. Or at least you should by now if you read those lyrics. I was always taught to tell people I love them, to remind them, "for tomorrow you may not get that chance". I certainly didn't force you to call so frequently as I already understood that you had other things to deal with. Other priorities. Stresses. I do not believe that you were being entirely honest with me however. I certainly don't believe it was fair of you to blame me for everything, without taking some of the responsibility yourself.

How many times have I been on the phone to you and you were an absolute mess over the years? Recently, I can think of at least three times when you were talking about suicide. One dark time that continues to stick out in my mind, was when you mentioned that it would be your sons fault. Do you know how difficult it was listening to you like that? An obsessed person doesn't bawl their eyes out listening to someone they care about go through something like that, knowing there isn't a damn thing they could have done to stop it.
I don't know why you reacted the way you did when I messaged you and asked if I had done or said something to upset you. I wasn't sure why you responded the way you did. As I said then no, I never expected you to explain yourself to me. I never expect to have explanations but I do expect honesty, trust, clarity and understanding. I certainly never stopped you from finding friends, meeting knew people. How can I be blamed for that? I don't understand.

What ever the problem was and I don't know how many times I need to say this, but all I wanted you to do was talk to me on the phone and clarify. It would have been so much easier, so less stressful and none of the name calling would have happened. Texting is always harder to know what the problem is. There's no emotion, there's no calm voice at the end of the phone. Everything gets misconstrued. Texting and messaging seems to cause a lot more problems in case you hadn't noticed over the years, than any of our actual conversations on the phone. The fact of the matter was that I sensed something was not okay with you and I cared. I still care. It's all I've ever done is care about you. If that's a crime then yes, fuck yes, I'm guilty of that. I won't ever regret giving a shit about you, I never have and I never will regret that. Even right this second as I type this, as you read it, I cried because of how I feel. Because of how much hurt I could feel you go through, which ironically, hurt me in the process. But yet, I still care about you.

Calling you was something I didn't get a chance to do if I'm to be honest. I'm two hours behind you, I usually get woken up to a text or a phone call, which I never had a problem with I might add. But being entirely blamed for not calling makes it sound I never once intended or wanted to do so, which is actually not true at all. I have called, many times over the years I've also not been answered or ignored. After the last time we discussed you and your time with Frank, I never once sort to take that time away from him. I can't be blamed entirely for that either. I too enjoyed talking to him, occupying him while you did various things around the house. I would have video called and played Lego with him from the other side of the country while you worked if that was something you wanted. I think I remember actually asking but yeah.. off track there.

Part of me wonders if you said the things you said intentionally to hurt me. To push me away. Was I getting to close to you? Were you starting to have feelings towards me? That same part of me still wonders if there was meaning behind wanting me to move over, before or after mum passed away. If that's what it was, all you needed to say was how you felt. I would have moved mountains to get there. I know I might sound like a hypocrite by saying that, since I too was too afraid to tell you how I feel. But please don't get upset with me over that. Any of this. Like I said, the entire situation could well and truly have been avoided if we were just able to talk it out on the phone. I value honesty, truth and loyalty. My honesty has already hurt you once and I'm sorry that I made you feel shit for saying I "felt pressured". I won't go into all that again as I mentioned that previously in this note and beforehand, but it wasn't the only thing to do with why I hadn't started camming, and it wasn't just due to lack of funds and having technical difficulties with my computer.

As for moving forward with my own life? I think I've covered some of that already in conversation, but my life in Perth has changed dramatically. It seems to got worse with most of the stuff that has happened in the last two years however. I've mentioned it before but my friends here don't really want to catch up or they're always busy. My social life is really only just Annas Fear and jamming. In the last two weeks or how ever long it's been, I've been focusing everything I have in screwing my head on stright, trying to get better, but a lot of it has been focused on Aaron and ending it, once and for all. But I don't think you understand what I was prepared to do hey. I was quite willing to sell everything I own, leave Perth, forget all this business with Aaron, my family, my friends, the band. Everything. My best friend lives in Brisbane who I care about dearly and have not seen for 15 years, and I live here, which I would have happily changed. As for work well, if need be I would have figured out something when I got there, if not before I left. But I refuse to go on the dole. That's the very last resort as far as I'm concerned.

Aaron, well now that it's all starting to look more real, I'm hoping you'll understand. I hope you understand why I never continued to push the subject of him with you. I knew how you felt, I knew that your opinion and thoughts on him and what you believed to be true, was not. It's okay, I had my doubts for a long time also. All this time, all this stress, well soon you'll have the answerto that no doubt. It wasn't all for nothing. It does have the ability to change everything and it will change lives. The rest of that dark day we parted ways is still pretty painful I'm guessing for the both of us. It doesn't feel right and everything is a blur. As I previously mentioned, there were things said that should not have been said by either of us.

The truth is Rach, the soul-searching I did prior to this happening, before we said those horrid things we said, even before you pulled away, I discovered how I felt. You already may have got the general idea from the song lyrics, but I've realized that my feelings for you are very strong, worthy of admitting that I fell in love with you and that I suspect that it has been there for a long time. I tried to force that to leave. I tried so hard to deny them to myself for far too long. I'm not denying them now. It's said here for you to know, for you to read in black and white. Perhaps this is why I fretted and reacted badly to your decision to back away. But again, this is why I prefer verbal communication for the sake of understanding.

Those countless hours spent on the phone to you, did eventually bring up other feelings too. Feelings of confusion, anxiety, fear and before I ceased lying to myself about how I truly feel about you, I held on to resentment and distrust of my own thought process. It scared me how you would react if I said anything until I was certain. By that stage, it was too late. You had disconnected from me. There was never any intent on lust, of the physical form. There's nothing more powerful than love, the emotion, the ability to care about someone regardless of how they hurt you. Love is unconditional. It's pure and it is rarer than any precious metal. Love knows no bounds, it has no border, there's nothing that will break it. I once took a plane trip for this kind of love. I'd do it again in a heart beat. Hell I was willing to move and leave everything just to be closer to mine.

I'm not John. I don't believe I'm a narcissist, but I'm not about to give up and walk out like he did, all because it gets too hard. I didn't tell him the day you put him on the phone, "you break her heart, I break your neck." because I'm a violent person. I'm not a violent person. It was obviously because of the way I felt about you. I obviously had justification in saying it, considering he did exactly that. I would fight and die for those I love. I've been fighting how I've felt for too long and I've been fighting too long just to give up on love now. I'm not fighting anymore. I know that we both hurt each other, there's nothing I wish more than to be able to jump into a DeLorean and go back in time and redo the entire thing differently, but I can't. While we both might still be trying to process, grieve and recoup from that day, but I want to make sure that you understand how I've always felt about you, even if I denied it to myself for so long until quite recently.

While my voice may shake, my head hurts, my body might tremble with anxiety, my heart speaks the truth and has never spoken truer words. I will never sway from speaking what truth my hearts tells me to say. You know me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I had to let everything out before telling you when it's all revolved because I want you to understand the importance of how the last 15 years has affected me. I believe we could not move past that chapter, to firmly form a new chapter in our lives. Over the last 15 years, you have hurt me more times than I care to remember and regrettably, I've hurt you just as much. I've apologized for what I've said and done, I've even apologized for the things I haven't done. We all get stressed, we all have differences of opinions. We all have our vices and quirks. I myself am trying to be a better person, but any issues I have, those are my problems to sort out. Sometimes I just need a helping hand as I'm sure you can agree with needing too. I don't know how to end this lengthy post (sorry about how long it is btw), but I hope everything is now open and aired. I apologize for bringing up the past, I'm sorry again for the way I behaved. I'm sorry that I had to mention the previous estranged incidences we've had before, not to mention any incursions that may upset or afflict you in any way. I wanted them addressed if things were to be resolved from here on out and we actually work through everything, not just the issue that started this, but 15 years of everything.

The last thing I intended on making you feel was uncomfortable and I hope and pray none of this has upset you, as it was unintended to do so. I believe you deserve to know everything therefore, I had to be upfront and honest with you, to tell you how I feel, how I've hurt, how conflicted things have made me over the years and not to mention, how much you both mean to me. I also could no longer lie to myself and deny that those feelings were not there, even though for years I managed to tell myself they weren't, I hid them deep down, laying dormant for so long, denied, forgotten, only to resurface again late last year. Yule I believe it was. I will no longer deny them nor will I hide them, from you or myself. This time I will accept their existence in order to make peace with my soul, to follow my heart and to love the woman who for so long, has had the key to my heart without me admitting it. Because of that, I obviously wish to resolve things.