Failure
As the song by Devin suggests, it feels exactly like there's no hope.
For the last 6 years I've taken on the responsibility of the strength that I guess my father showed for all those years. A pillar of strength and a beacon of hope for this family. Unfortunately in light of recent events, I have come to the conclusion that my selfishness has ruined far too much. It's contributed to the diminishment of hope in others, friends, people I love and as a result of this failure, I surely do think that there is no hope left.
I've tried my hardest to inform people of the dangers that loom over every one of us atm in this strange time, while at the same time I have prepared my self, my mind, my body and my soul for the journey ahead. In saying that, I still feel as though I haven't tried hard enough. I don't feel I've done enough. I don't feel I've said enough. I've become a burden on someone's life, I can't help but to feel that it's true.. that she and her son would be better without me in her life.. I don't know how to explain this what so ever... any of it.
I can't save myself.. I can't save her, you or anyone reading this.. but knowing what is unveiled how does one sleep at night? How do I just go on with my life, ignoring the madness, the terror and the torment that is in our world at this very moment?
How do I just carry on pretending that everything will be fine when it does not feel as if it will be? The guilt and the shame of existing, I'm even feeling ashamed to be happy in this world.
I understand that everyone makes a choice. Everyone who choses to do something about it and then those that choose to do nothing. My existence is conflicted.
I feel helpless, unable to help those that need it. Unable to be there for those that I love who live on the other side of this retched country.. but now.. now this incredibly overwhelming feeling of failure, guilt, disgust.. I'm ashamed and I've become a burden to someone which was far from what I wanted at all..
How do I fix this?
How do I stop this? I don't know what to do anymore..