boys...
so, this is really weird. after being contently 'single' for just over a year, lukas comes home. though we'd talked nearly every night since he last visited cape girardeau / saint louis, it felt as though he'd never left at all. when he came back home to chesterfield, he called. excited, i made the drive over from granite city. his parents were excited to see me (considering it had been months), and we sat around and caught up. at around ten, they decided to head off to the bedroom. lukas and i did the same. it was the same routine... hXc-cuddling, watching movies, talking, then the inevitable sex followed by the tears. we're soulmates... we really are. he's the only person i know i could be completely happy with forever. at the same time, something inside tells me it wouldn't work. he's a graduate of NYU law school who just made partner at a firm in phoenix... i go to SEMO and want to be a teacher. he listens to jazz and blues, but i like alt-country. he's from a wealthy family in west county, and i'm just a product of north county's working-class. he likes his potatoes au gratin, and i like mine mashed. he drinks ginger ale and martinis, and i live for diet coke and cheap beer. we're so different, yet completely compatible. i'm extremly comfortable with the relationship we have, yet so reluctant to proceed with things. yes, his parents have offered us a place in phoenix... to cover the difference of out-of-state tuition rates... etc. etc. they want to see their son happy, and they're amazing people. but something inside says not to change my path for, well, anyone. and, these days, i have a tendency to trust myself. if it's meant to be, there's always the future. at the same time, the status of things has a tendency to tear me apart.
through jarrod and dan, there was lukas. he was always my secret, but i wanted to show him off to the world. today, i... don't know what i want from him, if anything at all.
and then there's someone else. we'll call him j-dub because that's my favorite professor's name, and there's no chance in hell anyone will know who i'm talking about. he and i met well over a year ago while jarrod and i were still together. in fact, he was a mutual friend of ours. over time, we developed a mutual "disliking" toward the other. well, he happened to be at coffee cartel when lexi and i went to meet up with some friends. i said, "hello, ____"... and everything seemed normal. we didn't discuss how things were; instead, we talked about school and work and life since we last crossed paths. by the end of the night, we were flirting and smiling and it was just so... different than it used to be? the next day, he called to see if i wanted to join him and another mutual friend at a party. since i wasn't really in the "party mood", i declined the invitation and spent the night reading / researching. the next day, he called again just to chat. we talked for a good thirty minutes, then hung up. today, he called to see what i was up to. i told him that lexi and i were meeting up around seven, and that we'd be in the saint louis area. he informed me that he some reading to do, and that we should meet up. so, cartel it was. we sat around and drank coffee, talked, and after a couple hours... there was "footsies" and leg rubbing and pinching and touching and... my heart melted. with the exception of lukas, and jarrod (occasionally), i hadn't felt this feeling for over a year... genuine liking. when we parted ways, i got a "take care, baby" with the hug. as we were driving back to our homes, we had a bit of a txt conversation...
him: hot
me: who? you?
him: no. you, of course.
me: well, you're definitely competition.
him: aww, i doubt it.
me: time will tell.
him: good night.
it's all so... damn confusing, but i like it. instead of rushing things with either boy, i plan to just play it by ear. i have the next sixteen weeks to decide what i want, if anything. i've been so happy being alone because i've had the time to spend with friends and family. at the same time, a partner doesn't necessarily have to keep me from these great times. i just need someone who understands... what i want in a relationship is less conventional, but i also have the ability to adjust in an attempt to please both parties... yaknow?
fuck. it's late, and i need sleep. i've got a big day of delivering a 2,000-gallon tank to saint charles, working on the fence, and interviewing for a driver position at the caseyville domino's ahead of me. but... tomorrow is friday, which means... i'm gettin' drunk, bitches! haha.
take care, kids.
i'll try to update more frequently.
through jarrod and dan, there was lukas. he was always my secret, but i wanted to show him off to the world. today, i... don't know what i want from him, if anything at all.
and then there's someone else. we'll call him j-dub because that's my favorite professor's name, and there's no chance in hell anyone will know who i'm talking about. he and i met well over a year ago while jarrod and i were still together. in fact, he was a mutual friend of ours. over time, we developed a mutual "disliking" toward the other. well, he happened to be at coffee cartel when lexi and i went to meet up with some friends. i said, "hello, ____"... and everything seemed normal. we didn't discuss how things were; instead, we talked about school and work and life since we last crossed paths. by the end of the night, we were flirting and smiling and it was just so... different than it used to be? the next day, he called to see if i wanted to join him and another mutual friend at a party. since i wasn't really in the "party mood", i declined the invitation and spent the night reading / researching. the next day, he called again just to chat. we talked for a good thirty minutes, then hung up. today, he called to see what i was up to. i told him that lexi and i were meeting up around seven, and that we'd be in the saint louis area. he informed me that he some reading to do, and that we should meet up. so, cartel it was. we sat around and drank coffee, talked, and after a couple hours... there was "footsies" and leg rubbing and pinching and touching and... my heart melted. with the exception of lukas, and jarrod (occasionally), i hadn't felt this feeling for over a year... genuine liking. when we parted ways, i got a "take care, baby" with the hug. as we were driving back to our homes, we had a bit of a txt conversation...
him: hot
me: who? you?
him: no. you, of course.
me: well, you're definitely competition.
him: aww, i doubt it.
me: time will tell.
him: good night.
it's all so... damn confusing, but i like it. instead of rushing things with either boy, i plan to just play it by ear. i have the next sixteen weeks to decide what i want, if anything. i've been so happy being alone because i've had the time to spend with friends and family. at the same time, a partner doesn't necessarily have to keep me from these great times. i just need someone who understands... what i want in a relationship is less conventional, but i also have the ability to adjust in an attempt to please both parties... yaknow?
fuck. it's late, and i need sleep. i've got a big day of delivering a 2,000-gallon tank to saint charles, working on the fence, and interviewing for a driver position at the caseyville domino's ahead of me. but... tomorrow is friday, which means... i'm gettin' drunk, bitches! haha.
take care, kids.
i'll try to update more frequently.