Oh my god, the bunnies people shove at my plate
Title: No beso en la primera cita. (I don't kiss on the first date)
Rating: R - Humor.
Pairings: Uhh... Ratchet x Figueroa? Implied Ironhide x Ratchet.
Characters: Lennox, Epps, Fig, Ratchet, mention of the Lambo Twins, Bumblebee and Ironhide.
Summary: Ratchet insists about performing regular check ups in any and every human that comes in contact with the Autobots and the All spark's shard for extended periods of time. This doesn't sit well with Fig, an avid watcher of Jaime Maussan's shows.
Notes: This is all arinye's fault. She gave me the god damned plot bunny. Also, for those that don't know Jaime Maussan he's a Mexican ufologist that is like, a latinamerican 'authority' on the subject, so I thought it was likely Fig would watch his shows.
Thanks to okami_myrrhibis for beta reading this for me.
Army Chief Warrant Officer Jorge Figueroa was still a little nervous about the trip he and his friends, Sergeant Epps and Captain Lennox, were currently engaged on.
This was his second visit to the new base of operations of the Autobots, and he still wasn't entirely used to being around these alien sentient beings. He didn't fully trust aliens at all, period.
No matter how many times Epps and Lennox tried to assure him everything would be all right, the mere idea of being in the grasp of the metal giants for a needed check up just didn't sit well with him, but little could be done at this point.
There he was, sitting on the back seat of Ironhide's alt form, trying his very best to stay still and calm his nerves. He knew what those aliens did to other humans, and he wasn't looking forward to loosing the virginity of a certain orifice.
When they reached their destination the ACWO dragged his feet around, watching the other Autobots go about their own business, nodding to them when greetings were aimed at the three army men on their way to the large medical bay that was Ratchet's lair.
"Hey, Ratchet!" Will greeted the CMO who was currently performing a minor repair on one of Bumblebee's wrists.
"Greetings, Captain." the CMO continued his work, paying little mind to the three humans for now, all his concentration was on the repairs he was performing.
"Please, we agreed Will or Lennox would suffice, Chief Medical Officer Ratchet." Will teased and held his hands up in apology when he received a grunt and death glare from Ratchet.
"I'll attend to you three in a moment. Take a seat." the Hummer nodded towards a couple of human sized chairs fitted into the bay.
"What is he doing?" Figueroa, or 'Fig' for his friends, asked with evident doubt and discomfort on his voice.
"Repairing one of his friends." Epps replied matter-of-fact. "I guess Bumblebee was playing with those Lamborghini twins again. He always seems to break something when he's hanging with those two."
"Lamborghini twins?" Fig raised an eyebrow.
"Sunstreaker and Sideswipe," Will supplied. "Imagine two hyperactive teens with a penchant for aggravating others with bad pranks. Now add eighteen plus foot giant robots to the mix and you've got yourself the Lamborghini Twins."
"Sounds fun." Fig snorted with sarcasm.
"Not for Bumblebee."
After a few more minutes of wait, the Autobot CMO was done with Bumblebee's repairs and the yellow camaro was on his way to pick Sam from school. Ratchet turned to the group of men and laid his hand on the ground for them to climb on it, carefully setting them down in the nearby table. "Very well, who wants to go first?"
Epps and Lennox both pointed at Fig with a grin. "Him." They said with no little amusement.
"What?! Why me?!"
"Epps and I have done this before, it's your turn to go first." Will shrugged but still smiled.
"Shall we begin?" Ratchet asked while he pulled an instrument from his wrist, something that looked horrifyingly like a probe in Jorge Figueroa's mind.
"W-Wait a moment, dude!" the ACWO crossed his arms and gave Ratchet a stubborn look. "If you're going to be sticking anything up my butt you gotta at least buy me dinner first."
At that Lennox and Epps bursted in laughter which only served to further confuse the Autobot medic.
"Pardon?" Ratchet sputtered and scratched his head.
"I know what you lot do with those things. He visto cada programa de Jaime Maussan! Y te advierto amigo, no beso en la primera cita." Fig ignored the bewildered look he received from the CMO.
"English, Fig. We speak English." Will was holding his sides to try to stop laughing.
"Uhm, He said he has watched every one of Jaime Maussan's shows and said he doesn't kiss on the first date... whatever that means." The confused CMO raised an optic ridge when the two soldiers began to laugh even harder but decided to look up this Maussan person in the Internet. After a few minutes scanning all possible information available he coughed in embarrassment when he understood the meaning behind Fig's words. "My apologies. I believe you're confusing our medical practices. We don't perform anal probing."
By this point Epps was doubled on his chair and Will's face was red and he looked like he was having trouble breathing from all the laughing.
"You swear upon whatever's your deity that you won't stick that thing up my butt?" Fig remained skeptical.
Ratchet heaved a sigh and nodded. "I swear by Primus that I won't insert my tools up your most intimate crevices, Army Chief Warrant Officer Jorge Figueroa."
"Okay." Still not fully convinced Fig stepped closer and allowed Ratchet to perform his regular check up. He expected at least something prodding his sides, maybe needles. All he got was the damn thing hovering around him to scan his body. Dammit, Jaime Maussan!
After all three soldiers had been scanned for potential after effects from hanging around the Autobots, the All spark's and the remnant left of the cube, the humans left the room to hang around with the other Autobots for a while before they left.
"You know," Fig crossed his arms behind his head while he walked down the corridors with his squad mates. "I have the mild suspicion Ratchet would be a pretty boring 'bot to have a date with."
"I think Ironhide would beg to differ." Lennox chuckled.
"Yeah, I suppo-- wait, what?!"
Rating: R - Humor.
Pairings: Uhh... Ratchet x Figueroa? Implied Ironhide x Ratchet.
Characters: Lennox, Epps, Fig, Ratchet, mention of the Lambo Twins, Bumblebee and Ironhide.
Summary: Ratchet insists about performing regular check ups in any and every human that comes in contact with the Autobots and the All spark's shard for extended periods of time. This doesn't sit well with Fig, an avid watcher of Jaime Maussan's shows.
Notes: This is all arinye's fault. She gave me the god damned plot bunny. Also, for those that don't know Jaime Maussan he's a Mexican ufologist that is like, a latinamerican 'authority' on the subject, so I thought it was likely Fig would watch his shows.
Thanks to okami_myrrhibis for beta reading this for me.
Army Chief Warrant Officer Jorge Figueroa was still a little nervous about the trip he and his friends, Sergeant Epps and Captain Lennox, were currently engaged on.
This was his second visit to the new base of operations of the Autobots, and he still wasn't entirely used to being around these alien sentient beings. He didn't fully trust aliens at all, period.
No matter how many times Epps and Lennox tried to assure him everything would be all right, the mere idea of being in the grasp of the metal giants for a needed check up just didn't sit well with him, but little could be done at this point.
There he was, sitting on the back seat of Ironhide's alt form, trying his very best to stay still and calm his nerves. He knew what those aliens did to other humans, and he wasn't looking forward to loosing the virginity of a certain orifice.
When they reached their destination the ACWO dragged his feet around, watching the other Autobots go about their own business, nodding to them when greetings were aimed at the three army men on their way to the large medical bay that was Ratchet's lair.
"Hey, Ratchet!" Will greeted the CMO who was currently performing a minor repair on one of Bumblebee's wrists.
"Greetings, Captain." the CMO continued his work, paying little mind to the three humans for now, all his concentration was on the repairs he was performing.
"Please, we agreed Will or Lennox would suffice, Chief Medical Officer Ratchet." Will teased and held his hands up in apology when he received a grunt and death glare from Ratchet.
"I'll attend to you three in a moment. Take a seat." the Hummer nodded towards a couple of human sized chairs fitted into the bay.
"What is he doing?" Figueroa, or 'Fig' for his friends, asked with evident doubt and discomfort on his voice.
"Repairing one of his friends." Epps replied matter-of-fact. "I guess Bumblebee was playing with those Lamborghini twins again. He always seems to break something when he's hanging with those two."
"Lamborghini twins?" Fig raised an eyebrow.
"Sunstreaker and Sideswipe," Will supplied. "Imagine two hyperactive teens with a penchant for aggravating others with bad pranks. Now add eighteen plus foot giant robots to the mix and you've got yourself the Lamborghini Twins."
"Sounds fun." Fig snorted with sarcasm.
"Not for Bumblebee."
After a few more minutes of wait, the Autobot CMO was done with Bumblebee's repairs and the yellow camaro was on his way to pick Sam from school. Ratchet turned to the group of men and laid his hand on the ground for them to climb on it, carefully setting them down in the nearby table. "Very well, who wants to go first?"
Epps and Lennox both pointed at Fig with a grin. "Him." They said with no little amusement.
"What?! Why me?!"
"Epps and I have done this before, it's your turn to go first." Will shrugged but still smiled.
"Shall we begin?" Ratchet asked while he pulled an instrument from his wrist, something that looked horrifyingly like a probe in Jorge Figueroa's mind.
"W-Wait a moment, dude!" the ACWO crossed his arms and gave Ratchet a stubborn look. "If you're going to be sticking anything up my butt you gotta at least buy me dinner first."
At that Lennox and Epps bursted in laughter which only served to further confuse the Autobot medic.
"Pardon?" Ratchet sputtered and scratched his head.
"I know what you lot do with those things. He visto cada programa de Jaime Maussan! Y te advierto amigo, no beso en la primera cita." Fig ignored the bewildered look he received from the CMO.
"English, Fig. We speak English." Will was holding his sides to try to stop laughing.
"Uhm, He said he has watched every one of Jaime Maussan's shows and said he doesn't kiss on the first date... whatever that means." The confused CMO raised an optic ridge when the two soldiers began to laugh even harder but decided to look up this Maussan person in the Internet. After a few minutes scanning all possible information available he coughed in embarrassment when he understood the meaning behind Fig's words. "My apologies. I believe you're confusing our medical practices. We don't perform anal probing."
By this point Epps was doubled on his chair and Will's face was red and he looked like he was having trouble breathing from all the laughing.
"You swear upon whatever's your deity that you won't stick that thing up my butt?" Fig remained skeptical.
Ratchet heaved a sigh and nodded. "I swear by Primus that I won't insert my tools up your most intimate crevices, Army Chief Warrant Officer Jorge Figueroa."
"Okay." Still not fully convinced Fig stepped closer and allowed Ratchet to perform his regular check up. He expected at least something prodding his sides, maybe needles. All he got was the damn thing hovering around him to scan his body. Dammit, Jaime Maussan!
After all three soldiers had been scanned for potential after effects from hanging around the Autobots, the All spark's and the remnant left of the cube, the humans left the room to hang around with the other Autobots for a while before they left.
"You know," Fig crossed his arms behind his head while he walked down the corridors with his squad mates. "I have the mild suspicion Ratchet would be a pretty boring 'bot to have a date with."
"I think Ironhide would beg to differ." Lennox chuckled.
"Yeah, I suppo-- wait, what?!"