My Bittersweet Surprise
Last night, my bittersweet surprise came to show. I went to the early movies with Jessie & Byron to watch Chuck & Larry. So not thinking that anyone I'd know would be there, I sat all the way in the front with them. To my surprise, a couple of minutes sooner, Alec had shown up and sat in the row in front of us. I was shocked. For some reason my heart started to beat really fast and I felt like I was shaking or trembling. I saw him lean over to get into his seat and I shut my eyes really quick to see if it was really him or I was just simply hallucinating not that seeing him at the movie theaters is strange, just seeing him in front of me was. I looked at him again and I couldn't help but feel his presence by me. In front of me, no less. I wanted to say hello so badly but then I kept thinking it was a bad idea. Finally, I coughed his name. He turned around and sort of winced at me. Very unenthusiastically in fact. I hated that but I smiled it off anyway.
He saw who I was with and it really wasn't that big of a deal anymore. Then I went ahead and just kept finishing the movie. It wasn't that big of a deal after a while anymore but certain feelings just rushed to me and I really wanted to leave.
So then when the movie was over, I decided we'd all leave together and soon. I didn't say bye to him, which I completely regret but I guess it's better to leave with words unsaid. I couldn't help it. I seriously thought if I had said bye to him, that I'd give him a hug or do something dumb so I didn't. Instead I kept walking. Pretending like nothing had ever happened, like I'd never said hi to him and that we'd never spoken for those 5 seconds.
I felt really sad when I left the theaters, in a way I wish I could've just spent more time talking to him, as friends because that's all we can ever be. I'm taken and I wouldn't leave Angel for the world. I wish I could've just change my whole life though. If I hadn't made the decisions I made, I still wonder what could've happened between us or if anything would. But then I felt I'd think the same way about me and Angel.
I keep thinking to myself that I'll always love Alec the way I did when we first met. When I never admitted it and when I kept denying it. As I still do now. But it's over now, we're nothing but certain strangers that exchange words. Like shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.
Maybe if I leave it alone and walk away, we'll both feel better. He'll be happier without me and I don't think he really needs me at all. So I'll just continue on my way as I've always done. And he'll go his own way, the way I think he wants it. No matter how strong my feelings are for him, they'll never be expressed. I don't think I or he could allow that. And no matter how many tears stream down my flushed cheeks with unspoken thoughts trapped behind my shut lips or how many nights I think of how broken my heart still is, I'll just live life that way. It's not that big of a deal anyway.
So with all those unsent letters I've written to him and kept somewhere far away. I'll just keep him in my thoughts and in my heart. Where no one could do anything about it and where he'll be safely kept. I know it sounds crazy or stupid because it may seem like it's not love but I just learned to always take a leap of faith and I've always taken that leap. Away unfortunately. So yeah...
I just remember my heart pouring it's tears in silence behind that smile I kept. But I won't say I'm not somewhat happy. I'm okay, I guess. No matter what happens, I'll be okay. Even if he never thinks about me. Like a person once told me, "You'll never forget the first person you loved." God knows how hard I've tried to forget...everything. But I've learned to accept it and move on. So no matter how much I miss him, I won't ask for him back or even give an effort. We'll just live on like this, pretend like we never knew each others names and turn around to keep walking on. This has got to be one of the best and the worst ideas I've ever had.
But I feel better now saying this...it's my own little closure.
He saw who I was with and it really wasn't that big of a deal anymore. Then I went ahead and just kept finishing the movie. It wasn't that big of a deal after a while anymore but certain feelings just rushed to me and I really wanted to leave.
So then when the movie was over, I decided we'd all leave together and soon. I didn't say bye to him, which I completely regret but I guess it's better to leave with words unsaid. I couldn't help it. I seriously thought if I had said bye to him, that I'd give him a hug or do something dumb so I didn't. Instead I kept walking. Pretending like nothing had ever happened, like I'd never said hi to him and that we'd never spoken for those 5 seconds.
I felt really sad when I left the theaters, in a way I wish I could've just spent more time talking to him, as friends because that's all we can ever be. I'm taken and I wouldn't leave Angel for the world. I wish I could've just change my whole life though. If I hadn't made the decisions I made, I still wonder what could've happened between us or if anything would. But then I felt I'd think the same way about me and Angel.
I keep thinking to myself that I'll always love Alec the way I did when we first met. When I never admitted it and when I kept denying it. As I still do now. But it's over now, we're nothing but certain strangers that exchange words. Like shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.
Maybe if I leave it alone and walk away, we'll both feel better. He'll be happier without me and I don't think he really needs me at all. So I'll just continue on my way as I've always done. And he'll go his own way, the way I think he wants it. No matter how strong my feelings are for him, they'll never be expressed. I don't think I or he could allow that. And no matter how many tears stream down my flushed cheeks with unspoken thoughts trapped behind my shut lips or how many nights I think of how broken my heart still is, I'll just live life that way. It's not that big of a deal anyway.
So with all those unsent letters I've written to him and kept somewhere far away. I'll just keep him in my thoughts and in my heart. Where no one could do anything about it and where he'll be safely kept. I know it sounds crazy or stupid because it may seem like it's not love but I just learned to always take a leap of faith and I've always taken that leap. Away unfortunately. So yeah...
I just remember my heart pouring it's tears in silence behind that smile I kept. But I won't say I'm not somewhat happy. I'm okay, I guess. No matter what happens, I'll be okay. Even if he never thinks about me. Like a person once told me, "You'll never forget the first person you loved." God knows how hard I've tried to forget...everything. But I've learned to accept it and move on. So no matter how much I miss him, I won't ask for him back or even give an effort. We'll just live on like this, pretend like we never knew each others names and turn around to keep walking on. This has got to be one of the best and the worst ideas I've ever had.
But I feel better now saying this...it's my own little closure.