What it's like, the shortened version
Knowing it's unconstructive doesn't seem to help, all my mindpower seems to go into evaluating myself, usually negatively. Focusing on anything else for long without that being around as a distraction is really hard. And even when I can do it at least a little bit, I feel I still have trouble really getting anywhere with anything, with tiredness, lingering sadness and a mind that has wasted to much time going in circles and neither really knows how to do other things - and sort of lacks a lot of the "building blocks" for it as well, because all that ruminating has taken a lot of time from activities that could have helped me get a grip on the world. (Of course, I also worry that there isn't really anything behind all that, that without the self-loathing I'd be, I guess, just entirely blank.)
And this, and the need for confirmation that comes with it, probably makes me less fun and interesting to interact with. At least I worry intensely that it does, which can obviously be just another continuation of the problem - but I think it is also an actual issue for people around me and for me if I want to have good relationships with them. Still, my the way I think and feel is so full of all this that I really don't know how to behave in a way where it doesn't come out, without being completely fake and/or bursting with things I'm not letting out.
I don't really know what to do. I'm aware of some techniques - cognitive therapy things and such - and to some degree I think I've developed some strategies of my own for dealing with this (apart from just running headlong with it or pushing it away, though I do those too). But it seems these are not really enough, the way I'm using them now. I can't really be content with how things are right now. It's no fun, and if such things matter I think it's making me less "useful" than I could be. Change, please?
And this, and the need for confirmation that comes with it, probably makes me less fun and interesting to interact with. At least I worry intensely that it does, which can obviously be just another continuation of the problem - but I think it is also an actual issue for people around me and for me if I want to have good relationships with them. Still, my the way I think and feel is so full of all this that I really don't know how to behave in a way where it doesn't come out, without being completely fake and/or bursting with things I'm not letting out.
I don't really know what to do. I'm aware of some techniques - cognitive therapy things and such - and to some degree I think I've developed some strategies of my own for dealing with this (apart from just running headlong with it or pushing it away, though I do those too). But it seems these are not really enough, the way I'm using them now. I can't really be content with how things are right now. It's no fun, and if such things matter I think it's making me less "useful" than I could be. Change, please?