Useless wanker
I just got off the phone as part of counselling session arranged in anticipation of my vasectomy. I have to decide if my choice is a positive empowering one, or a an expression of my self hatred.
The postive, empowering element of the choice can be rationalised as I'm taking control of my reproductive choices. The reason I want to take control of it in this way is that I want to avoid having a child because I would be a bad parent. Being a bad parent is an assumption on my part, I don't actually know that I would be.
I do actively dislike myself, and what I can't tell is if the thought that I would be a bad parent is an accurate one, or some part of me which says that because it's a hurtful thing to say and that's what we do to ourselves when we hate ourselves, we say hurtful things. A vasectomy could be me sabotaging myself, I know that I have made choices in the past which are premised on an inaccurate opinion about how I am (labelling) and how people will receive me (mind-reading).
I suppose ultimately if I can't trust my own judgement, I shouldn't be in a position to make these choices. But I'm a school teacher, I make decisions which can affect people's self-esteem as part of my job.
The postive, empowering element of the choice can be rationalised as I'm taking control of my reproductive choices. The reason I want to take control of it in this way is that I want to avoid having a child because I would be a bad parent. Being a bad parent is an assumption on my part, I don't actually know that I would be.
I do actively dislike myself, and what I can't tell is if the thought that I would be a bad parent is an accurate one, or some part of me which says that because it's a hurtful thing to say and that's what we do to ourselves when we hate ourselves, we say hurtful things. A vasectomy could be me sabotaging myself, I know that I have made choices in the past which are premised on an inaccurate opinion about how I am (labelling) and how people will receive me (mind-reading).
I suppose ultimately if I can't trust my own judgement, I shouldn't be in a position to make these choices. But I'm a school teacher, I make decisions which can affect people's self-esteem as part of my job.