Nightmare
I had a strange nightmare this morning. I almost called in sick to work because of it. It was painful, because it was the truth. It was about my horrible relationship with Melisa. I am not going to go into the details, but it showed me why I don't want to talk to her. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill.
As an update: I posted this because the dream really bothered me, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't expect anyone to read this. Just incase, I want to clarify that the issue is and always was that Melisa does not love me, and never did. Everything else is just a symptom of this. The only thing I ever wished for when we were together was for Melisa to love me. It hurt more than I care to admit that she did not, and I could not deal with that. It got to the point that I tried to avoid her, so that I wouldn't feel the pain that seeing her would remind me of. I still avoid those thoughts, but I think this dream happened because a girl at a party I went to kept trying to find out why we broke up. I didn't tell her anything, but it probably brought this up so that I remembered how I felt when we were together. It is a horrible thing to think about.
Update (2-29-2008):
I had another dream about Melisa last night. This one was a little different. The last one was with Melisa being physically attracted to me, and the thought of a physical interaction with Melisa actually woke me up and made me nauseous. Not because she is unattractive, but because of the things that she did to me over the years we were together. This mornings dream was about her opening up to me and trying to get me to help her with her problems. She did that on occasion, just as she would get me to help her when she felt unwanted. I would always help her anyway that I could, because I cared about her. The problem was that she would not ever help me when I needed her help. If I needed her help dealing with a problem and asked for help, she would ignore me. If I felt unwanted she would do nothing, making it worse. If I tried to work out our differences with her directly she would break up with me - everytime. The last time it was obviously permanent. I will never understand why she could not do anything for me when I needed her help. She thought I had problems, but instead of trying to help me with them she left and said, “fix them”. She obviously didn’t care about me at all, since no-one would just kick one of their friends who needed their help when they were down. The problem was simply that she did nothing, while I always was there for her when she needed me, and I worked my ass off to make sure Melisa and the kids were taken care of and happy.
As an update: I posted this because the dream really bothered me, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't expect anyone to read this. Just incase, I want to clarify that the issue is and always was that Melisa does not love me, and never did. Everything else is just a symptom of this. The only thing I ever wished for when we were together was for Melisa to love me. It hurt more than I care to admit that she did not, and I could not deal with that. It got to the point that I tried to avoid her, so that I wouldn't feel the pain that seeing her would remind me of. I still avoid those thoughts, but I think this dream happened because a girl at a party I went to kept trying to find out why we broke up. I didn't tell her anything, but it probably brought this up so that I remembered how I felt when we were together. It is a horrible thing to think about.
Update (2-29-2008):
I had another dream about Melisa last night. This one was a little different. The last one was with Melisa being physically attracted to me, and the thought of a physical interaction with Melisa actually woke me up and made me nauseous. Not because she is unattractive, but because of the things that she did to me over the years we were together. This mornings dream was about her opening up to me and trying to get me to help her with her problems. She did that on occasion, just as she would get me to help her when she felt unwanted. I would always help her anyway that I could, because I cared about her. The problem was that she would not ever help me when I needed her help. If I needed her help dealing with a problem and asked for help, she would ignore me. If I felt unwanted she would do nothing, making it worse. If I tried to work out our differences with her directly she would break up with me - everytime. The last time it was obviously permanent. I will never understand why she could not do anything for me when I needed her help. She thought I had problems, but instead of trying to help me with them she left and said, “fix them”. She obviously didn’t care about me at all, since no-one would just kick one of their friends who needed their help when they were down. The problem was simply that she did nothing, while I always was there for her when she needed me, and I worked my ass off to make sure Melisa and the kids were taken care of and happy.