need feedback again!
here's my next bit of writing for my course... any/all feedback is much much appreciated if you'd be so kind! (btw, sorry the layout's a bit difficult to read from... copy and past doesn't work well from script templates...
A nursing home. An elderly man is sat in an armchair, slumped slightly with a vacant expression. His mouth is moving but he is not making any sound. Sarah enters. She is in her early twenties, is casually dressed and speaks in a bubbly, cheerful tone in a strong welsh accent.
SARAH: (leaning down to kiss GRANDAD on forehead) Hiya Grandad.(GRANDAD laughs heartily at the sight of Sarah) Sorry I’m later than usual, the traffic was a nightmare. (pulls up a straight-backed dining chair and sits next to GRANDAD angled towards him). Ooh they’ve put you in your nice jumper today, don’t you look smart?
GRANDAD: (Mumbling slightly) They tried to steal my raincoat, we have to report them. No good here, there’s that bloody woman all the time.
SARAH: Don’t be silly, they’re nice to you here Grandad, they’re not stealing your things. Now, what do you fancy doing? I’ve brought your jigsaw for you, and I’ve got the pictures from Jenny’s wedding too.
GRANDAD: Spinning jenny’s what they were called you know.
SARAH: Cousin Jenny silly. She’s your niece, you know that. Do you want to see? She looked lovely, it was about a month ago now, remember I told you about it? And I’ve brought your favourite sweets for you too, I’m spoiling you aren’t I?
GRANDAD: (patting her arm) Good boy, you’re a good boy.
SARAH: (laughs) Thanks Grandad. (takes out photos, starts going through them GRANDAD’S gaze is elsewhere) There she is look, doesn’t she look beautiful, and that’s her new husband, there we all are. Oh and you’d have loved the buffet Grandad, they had those little pastry things you used to make, weren’t as good as yours of course but really tasty. I’d love that recipe, (thoughtfully) I wonder if we got it from your flat when Nana… (stops herself and carries on speaking cheerfully) Tasty they were. Come on now you’re not looking, see there’s Mam and Dad there, he’s in a suit! Bet you never thought you’d see that did you?
GRANDAD: (looking at photo) Tom there look.
SARAH: (very pleased) Yes Grandad that’s dad you’re right, Tom! You still know that face a mile off don’t you, see anyone else there? Look (points) who’s that?
GRANDAD: that there, that’s Judy Judy.
SARAH: that’s Julie that’s right!… and that?
GRANDAD: (looking away) pink and horrible that warricall, looks all wet, they’re tramps those ones you know, don’t give them anything they won’t go away you know, tramps all of them.
SARAH: (small laugh) had enough of that game then? Okay. It’s good though, looking right at him like that. (PAUSE) I’m sorry he hasn’t come to see you lately, he’s very busy you know, and he knows I’m looking after you. I’ll make him promise to come soon. It’s your birthday next month, he’ll have to come for that, that’ll be nice. (PAUSE) So do you want your sweets? (gets sweets from handbag) here you go… (opens the packet and feeds GRANDAD a sweet). Lovely! (SARAH feeds GRANDAD chocolates. He opens his mouth each time) Oh, I might not be able to come and visit tomorrow Grandad. I have an interview. That’s exciting isn’t it? The job’s in London, I’ll be earning loads of money, I can find you a nice place down there if you like? Can’t leave you here on your own now can I? Yeah I’ll find you somewhere good, if I get it of course, probably won’t you can stay here I expect. Never get dad to come visit if you’re all the way away in London will I? (small laugh)
GRANDAD: London’s in England, no no you don’t wanna be going there, full of riff-raff. Spain’s better, Spain, or Romania, no hills in holland.
SARAH: (laughing) You trying to get rid of me Mister? London’s lovely you silly. Well, not lovely but well, it’s a big city isn’t it, that’s exciting. And anyway, think of the money… you’d be sorted for a start! (Runs a hand over GRANDAD’s cheek) They haven’t shaved you properly again. You’re going to have big beard if they get their way, come on let’s sort you out. (takes electric razor out of handbag and starts shaving GRANDAD’s face with great care, GRANDAD opens his mouth as though to eat a sweet) No no, be careful grandad, keep your mouth closed otherwise I can’t do it right. (GRANDAD doesn’t shut mouth, SARAH shaves around mouth and chin very carefully, once finished she neatens GRANDAD’s hair and straightens his jumper) Perfect. You look like a proper smart gent now Grandad! Good enough to take me out on the town what do you reckon?
GRANDAD: You’re like a farmer with the straw in your hair, you should be proud of that hair, it’s like straw it is. Gene?
SARAH: No Grandad it’s me, Sarah. Nana’s not here I’m sorry.
GRANDAD: where’s she gone then, lazy girl hiding. She’s fishing with the boys down the docks is she? Why isn’t she here?
SARAH: She can’t be here Grandad. It’s okay. Want another sweet? (GRANDAD closes his mouth just as SARAH goes to put a sweet in it, as soon as she moves her hand away he opens his mouth again, as though he’s playing with her) No? okay… See you do… (same thing happens throughout the rest of the scene) oh you’re teasing me now aren’t you? I’ll eat them myself - I don’t mind! I’ll get nice and fat and eat all your sweets. (eats a chocolate) oh I’d better not… can’t be getting all huge now, hard enough time with the lads as it is! (laughs) Oh I’m nervous about tomorrow Grandad, wish you could come with me like when I started school… though I expect turning up on my Grandad’s shoulder’s isn’t the best first impression anyway. Can I tell you a little secret Grandad? I haven’t told Mam or Dad about this interview. I don’t know why, I just don’t want to tell them until I know whether I’m going or not. And well, Dad might not like it, he might think it’s because I don’t like having to come here but it’s not Grandad it’s not! You could come with me if you wanted and Dad didn’t mind, I’d miss coming to see you otherwise. What do you think? (PAUSE) well, I’m getting ahead of myself, no use worrying him over something that probably won’t happen anyway. Now, you’re not going to tell him are you? Our little secret eh? (laughs)
GRANDAD: Genie? Gene, what are you talking about, you’re always talking so I don’t know what about. You’re doing it on purpose, I know you are Genie.
SARAH: No it’s me Grandad. (quietly) it’s Sarah. It hasn’t been Gene for months and months now. I don’t know, Tom, Genie, you know me really Grandad. (PAUSE) (kisses GRANDAD on the forehead, he laughs loudly) See, I knew you knew me.
GRANDAD: yes yes, good boy.
SARAH: (smiling) that’s me then is it Grandad? Okay then.
A nursing home. An elderly man is sat in an armchair, slumped slightly with a vacant expression. His mouth is moving but he is not making any sound. Sarah enters. She is in her early twenties, is casually dressed and speaks in a bubbly, cheerful tone in a strong welsh accent.
SARAH: (leaning down to kiss GRANDAD on forehead) Hiya Grandad.(GRANDAD laughs heartily at the sight of Sarah) Sorry I’m later than usual, the traffic was a nightmare. (pulls up a straight-backed dining chair and sits next to GRANDAD angled towards him). Ooh they’ve put you in your nice jumper today, don’t you look smart?
GRANDAD: (Mumbling slightly) They tried to steal my raincoat, we have to report them. No good here, there’s that bloody woman all the time.
SARAH: Don’t be silly, they’re nice to you here Grandad, they’re not stealing your things. Now, what do you fancy doing? I’ve brought your jigsaw for you, and I’ve got the pictures from Jenny’s wedding too.
GRANDAD: Spinning jenny’s what they were called you know.
SARAH: Cousin Jenny silly. She’s your niece, you know that. Do you want to see? She looked lovely, it was about a month ago now, remember I told you about it? And I’ve brought your favourite sweets for you too, I’m spoiling you aren’t I?
GRANDAD: (patting her arm) Good boy, you’re a good boy.
SARAH: (laughs) Thanks Grandad. (takes out photos, starts going through them GRANDAD’S gaze is elsewhere) There she is look, doesn’t she look beautiful, and that’s her new husband, there we all are. Oh and you’d have loved the buffet Grandad, they had those little pastry things you used to make, weren’t as good as yours of course but really tasty. I’d love that recipe, (thoughtfully) I wonder if we got it from your flat when Nana… (stops herself and carries on speaking cheerfully) Tasty they were. Come on now you’re not looking, see there’s Mam and Dad there, he’s in a suit! Bet you never thought you’d see that did you?
GRANDAD: (looking at photo) Tom there look.
SARAH: (very pleased) Yes Grandad that’s dad you’re right, Tom! You still know that face a mile off don’t you, see anyone else there? Look (points) who’s that?
GRANDAD: that there, that’s Judy Judy.
SARAH: that’s Julie that’s right!… and that?
GRANDAD: (looking away) pink and horrible that warricall, looks all wet, they’re tramps those ones you know, don’t give them anything they won’t go away you know, tramps all of them.
SARAH: (small laugh) had enough of that game then? Okay. It’s good though, looking right at him like that. (PAUSE) I’m sorry he hasn’t come to see you lately, he’s very busy you know, and he knows I’m looking after you. I’ll make him promise to come soon. It’s your birthday next month, he’ll have to come for that, that’ll be nice. (PAUSE) So do you want your sweets? (gets sweets from handbag) here you go… (opens the packet and feeds GRANDAD a sweet). Lovely! (SARAH feeds GRANDAD chocolates. He opens his mouth each time) Oh, I might not be able to come and visit tomorrow Grandad. I have an interview. That’s exciting isn’t it? The job’s in London, I’ll be earning loads of money, I can find you a nice place down there if you like? Can’t leave you here on your own now can I? Yeah I’ll find you somewhere good, if I get it of course, probably won’t you can stay here I expect. Never get dad to come visit if you’re all the way away in London will I? (small laugh)
GRANDAD: London’s in England, no no you don’t wanna be going there, full of riff-raff. Spain’s better, Spain, or Romania, no hills in holland.
SARAH: (laughing) You trying to get rid of me Mister? London’s lovely you silly. Well, not lovely but well, it’s a big city isn’t it, that’s exciting. And anyway, think of the money… you’d be sorted for a start! (Runs a hand over GRANDAD’s cheek) They haven’t shaved you properly again. You’re going to have big beard if they get their way, come on let’s sort you out. (takes electric razor out of handbag and starts shaving GRANDAD’s face with great care, GRANDAD opens his mouth as though to eat a sweet) No no, be careful grandad, keep your mouth closed otherwise I can’t do it right. (GRANDAD doesn’t shut mouth, SARAH shaves around mouth and chin very carefully, once finished she neatens GRANDAD’s hair and straightens his jumper) Perfect. You look like a proper smart gent now Grandad! Good enough to take me out on the town what do you reckon?
GRANDAD: You’re like a farmer with the straw in your hair, you should be proud of that hair, it’s like straw it is. Gene?
SARAH: No Grandad it’s me, Sarah. Nana’s not here I’m sorry.
GRANDAD: where’s she gone then, lazy girl hiding. She’s fishing with the boys down the docks is she? Why isn’t she here?
SARAH: She can’t be here Grandad. It’s okay. Want another sweet? (GRANDAD closes his mouth just as SARAH goes to put a sweet in it, as soon as she moves her hand away he opens his mouth again, as though he’s playing with her) No? okay… See you do… (same thing happens throughout the rest of the scene) oh you’re teasing me now aren’t you? I’ll eat them myself - I don’t mind! I’ll get nice and fat and eat all your sweets. (eats a chocolate) oh I’d better not… can’t be getting all huge now, hard enough time with the lads as it is! (laughs) Oh I’m nervous about tomorrow Grandad, wish you could come with me like when I started school… though I expect turning up on my Grandad’s shoulder’s isn’t the best first impression anyway. Can I tell you a little secret Grandad? I haven’t told Mam or Dad about this interview. I don’t know why, I just don’t want to tell them until I know whether I’m going or not. And well, Dad might not like it, he might think it’s because I don’t like having to come here but it’s not Grandad it’s not! You could come with me if you wanted and Dad didn’t mind, I’d miss coming to see you otherwise. What do you think? (PAUSE) well, I’m getting ahead of myself, no use worrying him over something that probably won’t happen anyway. Now, you’re not going to tell him are you? Our little secret eh? (laughs)
GRANDAD: Genie? Gene, what are you talking about, you’re always talking so I don’t know what about. You’re doing it on purpose, I know you are Genie.
SARAH: No it’s me Grandad. (quietly) it’s Sarah. It hasn’t been Gene for months and months now. I don’t know, Tom, Genie, you know me really Grandad. (PAUSE) (kisses GRANDAD on the forehead, he laughs loudly) See, I knew you knew me.
GRANDAD: yes yes, good boy.
SARAH: (smiling) that’s me then is it Grandad? Okay then.