Learning to Value Myself
It sounds so easy. Just start to value yourself like you value others, right?
Nope. Wrong. No way. The habits of the last 39 years are so ingrained in me that to change how I treat myself and how I expect others to treat me is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I have a long history of expecting little to nothing for myself. A clear indication of this was birthdays and Christmas. I was quite aware as a kid that my family couldn't afford much, so I didn't ask for anything. My siblings, on the other hand, asked and almost always received. One Christmas, when my parents were in the middle of losing their business, my brother was begging for a remote controlled car. I was sure that they wouldn't be that extravagant. But on Christmas day, he got it, my sister got the keys to the VW bug they owned, and I got a 3”x3” travel alarm clock. I think that was when I decided I had no value. Prior to that I had low self esteem, but then I was sure. I don’t think I was sad that I couldn’t have something more, I was more sad that I wasn’t given some acknowledgement that I was taking one for the team, so to speak.
So here I am now, in the present, trying to value myself. Since the gift giving was an issue of the past, I figured I’d started with a big one; my birthday. This year when my family asked what I wanted for my birthday, I listed off a whole bunch of things I wanted, not necessarily things I thought they could afford. I figured that somewhere in there they would find something that they could afford and that they wanted to get me.
Also, since my husband, Paul, and I have never celebrated our birthdays much, I wanted to let him know that I wanted him to make my birthday special. So I called him and told him so.
So now I feel really bitchy and demanding, and I KNOW I’m going to feel really guilty about whatever I receive for my birthday. So now what? Do I return all my gifts because I don’t deserve them? Do I deserve them?
AAAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
Nope. Wrong. No way. The habits of the last 39 years are so ingrained in me that to change how I treat myself and how I expect others to treat me is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I have a long history of expecting little to nothing for myself. A clear indication of this was birthdays and Christmas. I was quite aware as a kid that my family couldn't afford much, so I didn't ask for anything. My siblings, on the other hand, asked and almost always received. One Christmas, when my parents were in the middle of losing their business, my brother was begging for a remote controlled car. I was sure that they wouldn't be that extravagant. But on Christmas day, he got it, my sister got the keys to the VW bug they owned, and I got a 3”x3” travel alarm clock. I think that was when I decided I had no value. Prior to that I had low self esteem, but then I was sure. I don’t think I was sad that I couldn’t have something more, I was more sad that I wasn’t given some acknowledgement that I was taking one for the team, so to speak.
So here I am now, in the present, trying to value myself. Since the gift giving was an issue of the past, I figured I’d started with a big one; my birthday. This year when my family asked what I wanted for my birthday, I listed off a whole bunch of things I wanted, not necessarily things I thought they could afford. I figured that somewhere in there they would find something that they could afford and that they wanted to get me.
Also, since my husband, Paul, and I have never celebrated our birthdays much, I wanted to let him know that I wanted him to make my birthday special. So I called him and told him so.
So now I feel really bitchy and demanding, and I KNOW I’m going to feel really guilty about whatever I receive for my birthday. So now what? Do I return all my gifts because I don’t deserve them? Do I deserve them?
AAAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!