Words cannot describe..
but i'm going to try anyway.
I had, honestly, the best acting class i've ever had in my entire life today.
I owe it to my friends, my teachers, and the support i feel within that class.
I've had experiences in classes where I was given by a teacher a given for an excercise with another peer or with myself that is "heavy" emotionally deep, but i've always been very detached from it. Because usually i block myself, subconsciously, due to fear, from really delving and feeling those emotions. it makes me want to through up. we as humans have these little triggers, whatever..that we pull to protect ourselves. soemtimes it's good..sometimes it's preventing us from really figuring out what living is.
anyway, the usual scenario: It's a heavy subject, i realize it's difficult but i'm still not scared to go up there and try and sort of give the facade like wow, i don't want to do this, it's tooooo hard, but you know what, i'll try because i'm an ACTOR and this is what i'm suposed to do (in reality i want to do it to show off, yada yada, or just for reasons that are pure but not really the right reasons, or in some way to be honest, overly dramatic and self righteous)Today the given was my own, personal given that i accidently blurted out..and my teacher asked me to do with it with a scene parnter for whom this personal given also hit a very..difficult, emotional chord.
i was like no. please no..please i'm kidding i really really don't want to do this. like, really..i've never been so scared to share this particular subject with anyone. I'm an actor. actor's love to blah blah about their life experiences and their problems and their shit..not just actor's..people..we like attention and want people to sypathsize and go "wow..you're so strong.." and stuff..but this thing, i REALLY REALLY didn't want to share. this is something that is the chore fear of my life.
but i stood up and did. no one was MAKING me but my gut told me that becaus ethis shit would be so hard and scary for me..i should do it. and i did.
i was raw. i was fucking...torn down. that group of people saw a side of me that i would never ever normally share. i went to that place..that place that is tangible for everyone..a place that they really don't want to go.
and in the meanwhile, being so exposed...being there with my partner...experiencing that connection (this sounds all so cheesedick i know but bear with me..) it just clicked. I've never been to that emotional place in a scene. and i could feel me and my partner going through it together. the entire CLASS was going through it. the teachers were there with me.
when it was over, sobbing, tears streaming i looked out at my peers and realized that and me and my partner had actually MOVED them. i mean for godsakes, they had tears too..some of them did...those that didn't were still moved. i could s ee it..it was amazing...that's never happened before. i actually connected with my peers, my AUDIENCE. that is the ultimate goal of an actor. and i fucking did it!!!
a few of my friends and our teachers actualy called me and pulled aside me and my partner, telling us how inspiring it was. that i had finally reached that place. i have alot more work to do, always, it's never finished..thank god (or else that means we're dead if you get my meaning) although i was so vulnerable and so open..i wasn't embarassed for a minute. it felt wonderful..because of the amazing people around me. i'm so thankful. i just experienced today the emotional connection satisfaction , or a personal triumph of my acting and my growth, in a dusty dance room on the edge of UCLA campus at 19. my teachers that entry i wrote a while back about not feeling good enough...
erase that. THROW IT OUT IN THE TRASH. i have every right to be at UCLA. i'm proud of myself. and my friends.
god dammit i'm so happy.
I had, honestly, the best acting class i've ever had in my entire life today.
I owe it to my friends, my teachers, and the support i feel within that class.
I've had experiences in classes where I was given by a teacher a given for an excercise with another peer or with myself that is "heavy" emotionally deep, but i've always been very detached from it. Because usually i block myself, subconsciously, due to fear, from really delving and feeling those emotions. it makes me want to through up. we as humans have these little triggers, whatever..that we pull to protect ourselves. soemtimes it's good..sometimes it's preventing us from really figuring out what living is.
anyway, the usual scenario: It's a heavy subject, i realize it's difficult but i'm still not scared to go up there and try and sort of give the facade like wow, i don't want to do this, it's tooooo hard, but you know what, i'll try because i'm an ACTOR and this is what i'm suposed to do (in reality i want to do it to show off, yada yada, or just for reasons that are pure but not really the right reasons, or in some way to be honest, overly dramatic and self righteous)Today the given was my own, personal given that i accidently blurted out..and my teacher asked me to do with it with a scene parnter for whom this personal given also hit a very..difficult, emotional chord.
i was like no. please no..please i'm kidding i really really don't want to do this. like, really..i've never been so scared to share this particular subject with anyone. I'm an actor. actor's love to blah blah about their life experiences and their problems and their shit..not just actor's..people..we like attention and want people to sypathsize and go "wow..you're so strong.." and stuff..but this thing, i REALLY REALLY didn't want to share. this is something that is the chore fear of my life.
but i stood up and did. no one was MAKING me but my gut told me that becaus ethis shit would be so hard and scary for me..i should do it. and i did.
i was raw. i was fucking...torn down. that group of people saw a side of me that i would never ever normally share. i went to that place..that place that is tangible for everyone..a place that they really don't want to go.
and in the meanwhile, being so exposed...being there with my partner...experiencing that connection (this sounds all so cheesedick i know but bear with me..) it just clicked. I've never been to that emotional place in a scene. and i could feel me and my partner going through it together. the entire CLASS was going through it. the teachers were there with me.
when it was over, sobbing, tears streaming i looked out at my peers and realized that and me and my partner had actually MOVED them. i mean for godsakes, they had tears too..some of them did...those that didn't were still moved. i could s ee it..it was amazing...that's never happened before. i actually connected with my peers, my AUDIENCE. that is the ultimate goal of an actor. and i fucking did it!!!
a few of my friends and our teachers actualy called me and pulled aside me and my partner, telling us how inspiring it was. that i had finally reached that place. i have alot more work to do, always, it's never finished..thank god (or else that means we're dead if you get my meaning) although i was so vulnerable and so open..i wasn't embarassed for a minute. it felt wonderful..because of the amazing people around me. i'm so thankful. i just experienced today the emotional connection satisfaction , or a personal triumph of my acting and my growth, in a dusty dance room on the edge of UCLA campus at 19. my teachers that entry i wrote a while back about not feeling good enough...
erase that. THROW IT OUT IN THE TRASH. i have every right to be at UCLA. i'm proud of myself. and my friends.
god dammit i'm so happy.