(no subject)
“ARE YOU STILL MY MOTHER”
On April 3, 1991, at the age of 18, my son Michael shared with me his most private and anguished secret. He is gay.
SUDDENLY, THE WHOLE WORLD CHANGES!
At first, you feel as if someone you love has died. Parents who learn that their children are gay typically go through a period of shock, denial, anger and disappointment. You feel betrayed, yet there is no real betrayal. You feel guilt, but there is no one to blame. For years I was painfully aware that my son was terribly unhappy and insecure. Since birth he was different. Gentler than boys “should” be, yet not effeminate. Compassionate instead of aggressive, and always, very loving.
Then it hits you in the face, as if suddenly the past years were flashing before me. I recalled the times I saw pain on his face, fear in his eyes. Now, finally I understood. And I felt like a failure. Why didn’t he feel he could confide in me sooner? We were always so close, so open. Why did he have to go through this alone. What I didn’t know was how difficult it was for him to accept what he did not understand and the feelings of guilt, fear and shame he lived with for so long.
Typically, at a time when conformity is so important, adolescents feel alone and isolated. It is a time when many young men and women are rejected by their parents and their peers. Experts and the youths themselves say the feelings of being different start early, well before the youngsters can identify specific sexual attractions. They begin to search for others like themselves, more to lessen the loneliness than to find sexual partners. We tend to dwell on the sexual side and forget that the strongest needs are emotional. We would never imagine it to be so, but gay boys and girls have sex for the first time at a later age than do their heterosexual peers.
At about this same time, my nephew, just a few years older than my son also confided in me that he too is gay. Having dealt with this issue for quite some time , and ironically working towards his Phd. In Psychology, gave me a book
II
that might help me understand. I started to read, in secret, for fear that
someone else in the family might see the title of the book and find out before my son was ready for them to know. One night, while I was reading, Michael came over to me and asked: “well, are you”? I looked up at him, not comprehending, and he asked: “Are You Still My Mother”? For me, nothing will ever change the way I feel about him. As a Mother I will be there for him with as much support and love as ever, and pray for the strength to help him in any way I can. The sad part is, the pain is far from over.
Homosexuality is a preference for emotional and sexual affiliation with a person of the same sex. What is normal for a heterosexual is foreign for a gay person. The potential for this behavior appears to be a basic part of human sexuality, since many people experience homosexual interest, curiosity, or activity at some point in their lives. This behavior has also been observed in most animal species. Homosexuals are involved in every kind of profession and are of every political and religious persuasion. Some are very open, others remain private. Some view their orientation as a biological given and others as a preference. Ideas about the origin and nature of homosexuality were once based solely on the study of maladjusted psychiatric patients. Theories derived from such research have suggested that disorders in family relationships, particularly between mother and son, account for this behavior. These theories are not convincing, not only because they are based on the assumption that homosexuals are psychologically abnormal, but because many heterosexuals also come from families in which there are relationship disorders.
In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed Homosexuality from the official list of mental disorders. Although none of the mental health professionals now officially consider homosexuality an illness, there are still some theorists who insist that it is. More recent theories to account for homosexuality have included those based on biological and sociological factors. Chromosomal studies attempting to isolate genetic factors, which might indicate a predisposition to a sexual orientation at birth, have been mostly inconclusive.
III
Despite all the studies on homosexuality, the question of how society should treat gays continues to inspire debate. Attitudes towards gays have begun to change in recent decades, in part due to the increasing assertiveness of homosexual men and women in relation to their rights, and about pride, rather than shame, in who they are.
The only position I can take is one that was recently presented by three Catholic bishops, speaking at a forum on gay people and Catholicism. They hoped that the pastoral leaders will adopt a less rigid attitude toward homosexuals. All three bishops admitted that speaking to the gathering was difficult, even though their own attitudes had changed in recent years. One bishop from Detroit said that he stewed over his talk more than almost any other presentation he had ever delivered. After learning that his brother is gay, he could not face the issue or even visit his brother. He credited an old woman, whose son died of AIDS, with helping him to accept his brother and comfort his still troubled mother on her deathbed. We need to be careful about saying that this is a complex issue and then treating it as if it had a simple solution.
Homosexuality is difficult to accept, because it is foreign to us. And unless you can imagine in your heart that someone whom you love unconditionally tells you they are gay, you cannot know how it will feel. When you think of the choices: a gay child or a dead child, then you see that there is very little else that is really important. Bishop Gumbleton’s final statement, and mine, is that when we did, just about the only thing that will matter will be the way we treated one another.
On April 3, 1991, at the age of 18, my son Michael shared with me his most private and anguished secret. He is gay.
SUDDENLY, THE WHOLE WORLD CHANGES!
At first, you feel as if someone you love has died. Parents who learn that their children are gay typically go through a period of shock, denial, anger and disappointment. You feel betrayed, yet there is no real betrayal. You feel guilt, but there is no one to blame. For years I was painfully aware that my son was terribly unhappy and insecure. Since birth he was different. Gentler than boys “should” be, yet not effeminate. Compassionate instead of aggressive, and always, very loving.
Then it hits you in the face, as if suddenly the past years were flashing before me. I recalled the times I saw pain on his face, fear in his eyes. Now, finally I understood. And I felt like a failure. Why didn’t he feel he could confide in me sooner? We were always so close, so open. Why did he have to go through this alone. What I didn’t know was how difficult it was for him to accept what he did not understand and the feelings of guilt, fear and shame he lived with for so long.
Typically, at a time when conformity is so important, adolescents feel alone and isolated. It is a time when many young men and women are rejected by their parents and their peers. Experts and the youths themselves say the feelings of being different start early, well before the youngsters can identify specific sexual attractions. They begin to search for others like themselves, more to lessen the loneliness than to find sexual partners. We tend to dwell on the sexual side and forget that the strongest needs are emotional. We would never imagine it to be so, but gay boys and girls have sex for the first time at a later age than do their heterosexual peers.
At about this same time, my nephew, just a few years older than my son also confided in me that he too is gay. Having dealt with this issue for quite some time , and ironically working towards his Phd. In Psychology, gave me a book
II
that might help me understand. I started to read, in secret, for fear that
someone else in the family might see the title of the book and find out before my son was ready for them to know. One night, while I was reading, Michael came over to me and asked: “well, are you”? I looked up at him, not comprehending, and he asked: “Are You Still My Mother”? For me, nothing will ever change the way I feel about him. As a Mother I will be there for him with as much support and love as ever, and pray for the strength to help him in any way I can. The sad part is, the pain is far from over.
Homosexuality is a preference for emotional and sexual affiliation with a person of the same sex. What is normal for a heterosexual is foreign for a gay person. The potential for this behavior appears to be a basic part of human sexuality, since many people experience homosexual interest, curiosity, or activity at some point in their lives. This behavior has also been observed in most animal species. Homosexuals are involved in every kind of profession and are of every political and religious persuasion. Some are very open, others remain private. Some view their orientation as a biological given and others as a preference. Ideas about the origin and nature of homosexuality were once based solely on the study of maladjusted psychiatric patients. Theories derived from such research have suggested that disorders in family relationships, particularly between mother and son, account for this behavior. These theories are not convincing, not only because they are based on the assumption that homosexuals are psychologically abnormal, but because many heterosexuals also come from families in which there are relationship disorders.
In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed Homosexuality from the official list of mental disorders. Although none of the mental health professionals now officially consider homosexuality an illness, there are still some theorists who insist that it is. More recent theories to account for homosexuality have included those based on biological and sociological factors. Chromosomal studies attempting to isolate genetic factors, which might indicate a predisposition to a sexual orientation at birth, have been mostly inconclusive.
III
Despite all the studies on homosexuality, the question of how society should treat gays continues to inspire debate. Attitudes towards gays have begun to change in recent decades, in part due to the increasing assertiveness of homosexual men and women in relation to their rights, and about pride, rather than shame, in who they are.
The only position I can take is one that was recently presented by three Catholic bishops, speaking at a forum on gay people and Catholicism. They hoped that the pastoral leaders will adopt a less rigid attitude toward homosexuals. All three bishops admitted that speaking to the gathering was difficult, even though their own attitudes had changed in recent years. One bishop from Detroit said that he stewed over his talk more than almost any other presentation he had ever delivered. After learning that his brother is gay, he could not face the issue or even visit his brother. He credited an old woman, whose son died of AIDS, with helping him to accept his brother and comfort his still troubled mother on her deathbed. We need to be careful about saying that this is a complex issue and then treating it as if it had a simple solution.
Homosexuality is difficult to accept, because it is foreign to us. And unless you can imagine in your heart that someone whom you love unconditionally tells you they are gay, you cannot know how it will feel. When you think of the choices: a gay child or a dead child, then you see that there is very little else that is really important. Bishop Gumbleton’s final statement, and mine, is that when we did, just about the only thing that will matter will be the way we treated one another.