Tuesday, September 29th
Tuesday:
Today I was proud of myself for not being afraid to say what I was feeling to a co-worker about something she had made. And I gave my own idea. I am happy about this even though it was shot down. Because it's worth it for me to not be mousy.
Today one of my happy thoughts was an inside joke I laughed outloud to. "None for me! ::waves hand back and forth quickly::"
Although I procrastinated, I got a lot of affirmations done. I plan to write them on the bathroom mirror at night for the next morning, and a few decorative cards to post in the bedroom.
Examples: "I am centered and balanced." "I handle conflict and tension with confidence." "I accomplish my goals." "I love myself."
Today it hit me that in order to not be torn up about some of my decisions, I either have to change my mind or accept them. And I don't want to change my mind. So I feel that this journey will be better once I accept the letting go. Letting go of my power over Jake, and the control I want to have over everyone around him to tell them to stay back. This is what my journey is about. I said outright that as long as this leads to me being
a better more confident person, then the path I took and the pain left be behind me is worth it.. I'm trying to stay focused and work through whatever pain, and not ignore it. Because like today, it taught me to be aware. And proactive. So I still choose the path Jake and I are on now, because I know it's for the best.
People fear their inadequacies will be revealed. I fear I'm not good enough so I try to be this wonderful person so people won't leave. Almost like my sadness, for example, wouldn't make me human, it'd make me ugly, fragile, disposable. My fear causes stronger need for my life to be "in control." To stop the pain. Pain isn't a negative thing. Emotions aren't negative. Even anger. "Anger is good. Rage is destructive." If we can use and not magnify our emotions then we can be productive. Productivity causes change, and would prevent stagnation. Stagnation= bad.
I am going straight to bed now, because I become more irrational (not just emotional) with lack of sleep. As does everybody. I'm going to try to write earlier, to go to bed earlier, so I can take care of my body and mind and be ready more so to live.
Tomorrow my job is to burn an ex-boyfriend's box of memorabilia. I've been waiting for this moment. Jake decided to join me. I wanted to do this when we were together, but it means just as much now that he still wants to be involved. I'm imagining how freeing it will be, but I can't wait for the real thing. This won't be done til later in the evening, so I may or may not update til Thursday.
"I rest when I am tired."
Goodnight.
-Marsháll
Today I was proud of myself for not being afraid to say what I was feeling to a co-worker about something she had made. And I gave my own idea. I am happy about this even though it was shot down. Because it's worth it for me to not be mousy.
Today one of my happy thoughts was an inside joke I laughed outloud to. "None for me! ::waves hand back and forth quickly::"
Although I procrastinated, I got a lot of affirmations done. I plan to write them on the bathroom mirror at night for the next morning, and a few decorative cards to post in the bedroom.
Examples: "I am centered and balanced." "I handle conflict and tension with confidence." "I accomplish my goals." "I love myself."
Today it hit me that in order to not be torn up about some of my decisions, I either have to change my mind or accept them. And I don't want to change my mind. So I feel that this journey will be better once I accept the letting go. Letting go of my power over Jake, and the control I want to have over everyone around him to tell them to stay back. This is what my journey is about. I said outright that as long as this leads to me being
a better more confident person, then the path I took and the pain left be behind me is worth it.. I'm trying to stay focused and work through whatever pain, and not ignore it. Because like today, it taught me to be aware. And proactive. So I still choose the path Jake and I are on now, because I know it's for the best.
People fear their inadequacies will be revealed. I fear I'm not good enough so I try to be this wonderful person so people won't leave. Almost like my sadness, for example, wouldn't make me human, it'd make me ugly, fragile, disposable. My fear causes stronger need for my life to be "in control." To stop the pain. Pain isn't a negative thing. Emotions aren't negative. Even anger. "Anger is good. Rage is destructive." If we can use and not magnify our emotions then we can be productive. Productivity causes change, and would prevent stagnation. Stagnation= bad.
I am going straight to bed now, because I become more irrational (not just emotional) with lack of sleep. As does everybody. I'm going to try to write earlier, to go to bed earlier, so I can take care of my body and mind and be ready more so to live.
Tomorrow my job is to burn an ex-boyfriend's box of memorabilia. I've been waiting for this moment. Jake decided to join me. I wanted to do this when we were together, but it means just as much now that he still wants to be involved. I'm imagining how freeing it will be, but I can't wait for the real thing. This won't be done til later in the evening, so I may or may not update til Thursday.
"I rest when I am tired."
Goodnight.
-Marsháll