(no subject)
My sister and I are trying to build a relationship after years of my not wanting anything to do with her, because anytime I would try it brought nothing but negativity, chaos and harm into my life. She has always set out to cause trouble in my life and I never understood why, we were both horribly abused as very young girls up until we left home as mid teen-agers. I believe it is up to us to trust our instincts as far as right and wrong and to make a strong conscientious effort to be nothing like what we came from. We both suffer PTSD as a result of the horrific abuses we at the hands of our family, but she also always claimed to be bi-polar, suffer depression, anxiety as well as a whole slew of things and would use those as her excuses for all she has done to me all of my life. When I told her recently that I shared with my therapist all she has done to me for 48 years and that she uses her being bi-polar as an excuse and my therapists response was that is no excuse, now she claims she has a new therapist who claims she has never been bi-polar. I can't help but feel there is a lie in there somewhere and that this is suddenly convenient for her. She would start up all of these rants, raves and rages with me and then claim to my family I did it, while claiming to be suicidal as a result, getting all of my siblings to come at me and during my battle with cancer when I was at my sickest. Now I am trying to forgive and move on and leave the past in the past and yet she in every conversation we have talks about our past and all the abuse we have suffered. Usually I tell her I don't want to talk about the past because its a dead horse to me and doesn't need to be beaten to death continually and it is best to leave those doors closed and just look forward to the future. I haven't said that to her yet, because that is when she will start her rants, ravings and rages and the rest of the siblings will have nothing else to do with her because they have figured it all out and I will have nothing to do with them, because I see them as fake and wanting to clear their consciences because of my cancer. However, with my sister I don't feel she should be all alone with absolutely no one, but I hate talking about the past, it angers me and brings back my nightmares to where I am not sleeping well at night. Every conversation with her is emotional and her crying and constantly living in the past which makes it hard for to move forward and have the peace and happiness I deserve. I was considering co-authoring books with her, but have taken that offer off the table. She wants to write and auto biography of our childhood and I want to take events in my life and put each events as a story, but make them into a series of fictional stories. Annoyed, confused and thinking I made the wrong decision to bring her back into my life.