I guess that's why they call it the blues...
Ugh. Most of the time I'm on this emotional high, but right now, I just seriously feel so DOWN. I thought for sure I would either get postpartum depression almost immediately and HARD or not at all. I don't think this is pd though. I think it's just baby blues.
Daniel is such a sweetheart most of the time, but I could seriously beat him at night. He just doesn't react at all when the baby wakes up, and I can't do it all! I've had a few times where I was trying to feed him, and I asked Daniel to get something and he went "okay" and fell back asleep over and over until I finally got mad at him and made him sit up. Then he acts indignant that I got mad, but I seriously can't get him to listen to me otherwise.
And I don't understand it, because I'm getting as little if not less sleep than him, and I'm totally worn out, and I'M the one breastfeeding (I'm sorry, I know that isn't fair, but it's the truth and it DOES wear me out so I'm saying it!). Why, then, if I'm the one putting out all this work, is he the one who sleeps through everything like it wasn't happening? How is he able to sleep when his baby is next to him crying miserably?
And I'm just so frustrated because of Nathan's phototherapy and his troubles with breastfeeding (he doesn't latch well, and when he does, he just falls asleep before he eats. It's a struggle every time I have to feed him). I just want my baby boy to be doing well. And for the most part, he is, and things ARE improving, but I just feel like there's nothing I can do to fix it, and I hate it! And also, he finds the therapy band really uncomfortable, and I can tell, and I just want to rip it off of him sometimes and tell the world to F*** off because my baby doesn't need their stupid light treatment. But the sensible side of me knows that it's making him better, and I don't do stupid things even when I feel like it.
And I slept through a feeding last night. Just one, and he didn't wake up (believe me, he makes even a little whimper and I'm awake!), but I still feel really bad about it. Because he needs all the breastmilk he can get right now.
And Claire is coming over tomorrow so I have to get the house in order and I feel like I am just absolutely failing as a mom because this place is SO not clean and ready for him! And there's all this cat fur everywhere! Tonight, I have to clean the house and vacuum EVERYTHING including the couches! Also, I think I might vacuum the bed in the morning. Like, strip the sheets and vacuum the bed and then put clean sheets on. But more likely I'll poop out before that.
How did my mom keep up with everything?
Also, I fell down like 3 stairs today carrying Nathaniel. He didn't get bumped at all, but it was really scary at the time, and I feel like a bad mom because I can't even protect my son from myself! Although Daniel keeps telling me he saw it and I curled up and protected the baby and there was nothing I could've done, but here's the thing: when I had come to a stop, Nathan's head was at a slant towards the stair. Like, I had his head all safe, but it was on my left side, and my left side was the side that was towards the ground. I don't know if that makes sense, but basically, I worry about what would've happened if I'd caught myself a moment later.
Poor boy cried so hard he couldn't make any sound at first! It was so scary! And all I could say was "That's okay, you cry it out! That was scary! I'm so sorry!"
And when I told my mom about it, she was like "Well, that's who you have to protect him from: yourself!" because I'd been worried about letting Claire's kids come over when his immune system is weakened. I know that my mom tends to act like my concerns are nothing, and I know that she and I don't have a healthy relationship in that way, but I kind-of agree with her, and that's why it stings. What if the person who hurts him the most is me?
I just keep wondering what I did to deserve such a precious gift! And I keep thinking of a line in a card we got from one of Daniel's family members. She wrote, "Enjoy your 'gift' from God. Remember, he is only on loan." I guess I'm just worried.
Alright, feeding time.
And then back to cleaning. I got terribly distracted... hopefully I'll be able to look at this blog tomorrow and realize that I'm just being childish and move on. I had a baby, now I have to take care of the baby and realize that my needs are completely irrelevant.
Daniel is such a sweetheart most of the time, but I could seriously beat him at night. He just doesn't react at all when the baby wakes up, and I can't do it all! I've had a few times where I was trying to feed him, and I asked Daniel to get something and he went "okay" and fell back asleep over and over until I finally got mad at him and made him sit up. Then he acts indignant that I got mad, but I seriously can't get him to listen to me otherwise.
And I don't understand it, because I'm getting as little if not less sleep than him, and I'm totally worn out, and I'M the one breastfeeding (I'm sorry, I know that isn't fair, but it's the truth and it DOES wear me out so I'm saying it!). Why, then, if I'm the one putting out all this work, is he the one who sleeps through everything like it wasn't happening? How is he able to sleep when his baby is next to him crying miserably?
And I'm just so frustrated because of Nathan's phototherapy and his troubles with breastfeeding (he doesn't latch well, and when he does, he just falls asleep before he eats. It's a struggle every time I have to feed him). I just want my baby boy to be doing well. And for the most part, he is, and things ARE improving, but I just feel like there's nothing I can do to fix it, and I hate it! And also, he finds the therapy band really uncomfortable, and I can tell, and I just want to rip it off of him sometimes and tell the world to F*** off because my baby doesn't need their stupid light treatment. But the sensible side of me knows that it's making him better, and I don't do stupid things even when I feel like it.
And I slept through a feeding last night. Just one, and he didn't wake up (believe me, he makes even a little whimper and I'm awake!), but I still feel really bad about it. Because he needs all the breastmilk he can get right now.
And Claire is coming over tomorrow so I have to get the house in order and I feel like I am just absolutely failing as a mom because this place is SO not clean and ready for him! And there's all this cat fur everywhere! Tonight, I have to clean the house and vacuum EVERYTHING including the couches! Also, I think I might vacuum the bed in the morning. Like, strip the sheets and vacuum the bed and then put clean sheets on. But more likely I'll poop out before that.
How did my mom keep up with everything?
Also, I fell down like 3 stairs today carrying Nathaniel. He didn't get bumped at all, but it was really scary at the time, and I feel like a bad mom because I can't even protect my son from myself! Although Daniel keeps telling me he saw it and I curled up and protected the baby and there was nothing I could've done, but here's the thing: when I had come to a stop, Nathan's head was at a slant towards the stair. Like, I had his head all safe, but it was on my left side, and my left side was the side that was towards the ground. I don't know if that makes sense, but basically, I worry about what would've happened if I'd caught myself a moment later.
Poor boy cried so hard he couldn't make any sound at first! It was so scary! And all I could say was "That's okay, you cry it out! That was scary! I'm so sorry!"
And when I told my mom about it, she was like "Well, that's who you have to protect him from: yourself!" because I'd been worried about letting Claire's kids come over when his immune system is weakened. I know that my mom tends to act like my concerns are nothing, and I know that she and I don't have a healthy relationship in that way, but I kind-of agree with her, and that's why it stings. What if the person who hurts him the most is me?
I just keep wondering what I did to deserve such a precious gift! And I keep thinking of a line in a card we got from one of Daniel's family members. She wrote, "Enjoy your 'gift' from God. Remember, he is only on loan." I guess I'm just worried.
Alright, feeding time.
And then back to cleaning. I got terribly distracted... hopefully I'll be able to look at this blog tomorrow and realize that I'm just being childish and move on. I had a baby, now I have to take care of the baby and realize that my needs are completely irrelevant.