Thanks for clearing up all the points for me so I can understand the situation more clearly. Well it's totally shit that he won't apologize b/c clearly of the two parties he owes you one more than you owe him one. (I read the text but thought that since you mentioned it as being bitchy and since HE took it to be bitchy I thought maybe you paraphrased it or maybe there was an additional one -- by itself it's not bad but I can see where coming out of left field it might sting to read that, since he didn't realize that was what was holding you up, but in that case it's his own embarassment rather than your bitchiness that is what hurt his feelings really... hm)
Of course it seems simple from a 3rd person perspective now that you have this all layed out to say "That's the perfect apology, just laid out just like that! ('It was impolite not to be clearer with you' etc) With it very clear at the beginning and at the end that you still expect one from him because of how much he hurt you, that you're not accepting responsibility for the conflict or rift between you, just for what was actually your fault (being bitchy if you thought you were and not being as clear with him as you could have)." I understand that it's more complicated than that for you and that probably only a little bit of time will make it easier and more clear about what has to be said.
As for (G), you're totally right, it became way clearer. But respect should not be contingent on complete independence. I know it's ridiculous of me to say that you should demand respect (how easy it is to say that!) but keep in mind that you DO deserve that respect. Family stuff is complex and maybe they won't see it that way for a long time, but you shouldn't ever forget that no matter how they treat you, you do deserve that respect. Because you are AWESOME. Really :) So don't think that you have to do anything to earn it. It's not you, it's them.
You're right, while that apology format seems really excellent f I were talking about someone else's situation, it doesn't seem to apply here when I think about it. A large part of it is, I can demand an apology all I want, and I can try to be clear about the fact that I feel that I deserve one, but Dano is so absurdly stubborn, passive, and in a lot of ways, really self-centered (ask Daniel, even), that I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to get an apology from him, ever. Should he say "I'm sorry" it would b grudgingly, and without any feeling behind it. And a letter of apology to him may, in fact, be necessary to repair the rift. So I'm caught in a situation where I feel that for my husband, I must phrase VERY CAREFULLY and CLEARLY a letter which apologizes only for what wrong I genuinely feel I have done, and then I have to decide what to say about his behavior. I have to decide how to carefully phrase my feelings about the incident, and how to make it clear that I don't intend to be stepped on...
Well, that, or I can just simply let go of this burden and apologize all-together, which I am loathe to do. I worry that it *may* be the only way to make things better, and I worry that I may not be able to let this one go. I've been totally letting it run my life, though, and it is possible that perhaps apologizing for something I don't feel sorry for is, in this case, the way to let it go. I don't know. I have to think about it. I think I have to let a little time pass, too.
It just sucks a lot because he's such a good friend of Daniel's.
It's not that I think that I need to work any harder to *earn* my parents' respect. It's more that I don't think I'm going to get them respecting me as a functioning adult until some more time has passed. I think they're making strides, but I think that it's going to take more than, "Mom, Dad, you need to respect my independence" for them to actually leave well enough alone.
And at this point it seems trite to say something like that to them. The whole incident is over and done with. I need to be in the middle of something for them to actually take it to heart, I think.
I don't know. I'm thinking back over what I have written here, and I'm realizing that it all just sounds like excuses for me to continue to be passive. But I don't think my arguments are wrong, either. I think my predictions are fairly accurate, but I guess I *could* chose to be more proactive...
Of course it seems simple from a 3rd person perspective now that you have this all layed out to say "That's the perfect apology, just laid out just like that! ('It was impolite not to be clearer with you' etc) With it very clear at the beginning and at the end that you still expect one from him because of how much he hurt you, that you're not accepting responsibility for the conflict or rift between you, just for what was actually your fault (being bitchy if you thought you were and not being as clear with him as you could have)." I understand that it's more complicated than that for you and that probably only a little bit of time will make it easier and more clear about what has to be said.
As for (G), you're totally right, it became way clearer. But respect should not be contingent on complete independence. I know it's ridiculous of me to say that you should demand respect (how easy it is to say that!) but keep in mind that you DO deserve that respect. Family stuff is complex and maybe they won't see it that way for a long time, but you shouldn't ever forget that no matter how they treat you, you do deserve that respect. Because you are AWESOME. Really :) So don't think that you have to do anything to earn it. It's not you, it's them.
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Well, that, or I can just simply let go of this burden and apologize all-together, which I am loathe to do. I worry that it *may* be the only way to make things better, and I worry that I may not be able to let this one go. I've been totally letting it run my life, though, and it is possible that perhaps apologizing for something I don't feel sorry for is, in this case, the way to let it go. I don't know. I have to think about it. I think I have to let a little time pass, too.
It just sucks a lot because he's such a good friend of Daniel's.
It's not that I think that I need to work any harder to *earn* my parents' respect. It's more that I don't think I'm going to get them respecting me as a functioning adult until some more time has passed. I think they're making strides, but I think that it's going to take more than, "Mom, Dad, you need to respect my independence" for them to actually leave well enough alone.
And at this point it seems trite to say something like that to them. The whole incident is over and done with. I need to be in the middle of something for them to actually take it to heart, I think.
I don't know. I'm thinking back over what I have written here, and I'm realizing that it all just sounds like excuses for me to continue to be passive. But I don't think my arguments are wrong, either. I think my predictions are fairly accurate, but I guess I *could* chose to be more proactive...
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