I don't mean that I think you attacked him, but it sounded to me like maybe YOU thought you did. I didn't even find your text bitchy, but was working under the hypothesis that both of you thought it was. I mean, if there wasn't there wouldn't be a rift between the two of you, right? You admitted in your journal that you were a "bit bitchier than necessary". I didn't see it in that text but that's what you said and that's what I was going on.
Also that's why I put *perhaps* in there in the quote you quoted, too because I don't know if you even did lash out inappropriately and I admitted that I didn't know if you even hurt his feelings. All I meant is that IF you did then you should apologize.
I'm kind of not sure why you'd be upset with me even IF I HAD accused you of attacking your friends. We all make mistakes and even if you had done it it would just be one of those things that we all do not to mention when we're like fucked up in the head because of crazy emotions. It doesn't haveanything to do with what kind of person you are. It would just be a mistake.
Lastly, I don't think that putting up a bulletin would absolve you of all responsibility no matter what. Sure people SHOULD have given you the benefit of a doubt, but not FORGIVE you no matter WHAT you do. Also I didn't even get the bulletin until like a week later. So I'm not sure what the relevence of your point is. You can put up a bulletin warning people that you're going to be a bitch, but you still have to apologize IF YOU ACTUALLY ARE ONE. Right? It's not a license to do whatever you want, right? I'm not saying you did, I'm just talking in general theory.
I guess I got defensive. Reading that quote, I had taken it slightly differently than you had intended it, I think, and it seems to have made all the difference.
I had thought that when you put perhaps in there, it was your way of saying that maybe the degree to which I lashed out at everyone no matter how at fault they were could have been inappropriate. And when I read it, I took it to mean everyone. The thing is, very few people were actually involved in the incident, so everyone seemed an overstatement. I suppose I took it to mean that all of my friends, no matter how involved in the incident in general, got attacked.
It sorta hurt to hear, and didn't seem well-founded. Now I understand that you meant a much smaller group of people and a much more uncertain perhaps.
As for the bulletin, it's not that I think it absolves me from any actually guilt, and as I stated, I didn't, in fact, end up having a problem with anyone excepting Dano himself. It's more that I felt that I had made precautions, and tried to warn people, and then avoided those I knew were combustible sorts of people, in order to try to avoid a spin-off incident. The real intention of the bulletin was to warn people so they might not feel quite as hurt *if* I did say something I shouldn't. I suppose what I was saying by mentioning it was more along the lines of, I made an honest effort, knowing my stress level was through the roof, to try not to upset people. I really did.
So when I read your comment, it hit me hard. And after I thought about it, and slept on it, I really couldn't get over the fact that even though I had tried to be levelheaded about my actions, and even though I had tried repeatedly to use control, you were telling me that the degree to which I lashed out in a stressful situation was inappropriate.
I understand, now, that that isn't really what you meant. I'm sorry for getting so defensive about it. It's ironic to me, actually, that when I actually felt the most justified, and when I actually felt the most as though I was being undeservedly criticized, I was, in reality, the least righteous in my anger.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand, properly. Had you meant it the way I thought, I would feel justified, but as things stand, I feel like an ass. I should have asked you simply to clarify. Instead, I assumed that I knew what you meant. Again, I'm sorry.
Also that's why I put *perhaps* in there in the quote you quoted, too because I don't know if you even did lash out inappropriately and I admitted that I didn't know if you even hurt his feelings. All I meant is that IF you did then you should apologize.
I'm kind of not sure why you'd be upset with me even IF I HAD accused you of attacking your friends. We all make mistakes and even if you had done it it would just be one of those things that we all do not to mention when we're like fucked up in the head because of crazy emotions. It doesn't haveanything to do with what kind of person you are. It would just be a mistake.
Lastly, I don't think that putting up a bulletin would absolve you of all responsibility no matter what. Sure people SHOULD have given you the benefit of a doubt, but not FORGIVE you no matter WHAT you do. Also I didn't even get the bulletin until like a week later. So I'm not sure what the relevence of your point is. You can put up a bulletin warning people that you're going to be a bitch, but you still have to apologize IF YOU ACTUALLY ARE ONE. Right? It's not a license to do whatever you want, right? I'm not saying you did, I'm just talking in general theory.
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I had thought that when you put perhaps in there, it was your way of saying that maybe the degree to which I lashed out at everyone no matter how at fault they were could have been inappropriate. And when I read it, I took it to mean everyone. The thing is, very few people were actually involved in the incident, so everyone seemed an overstatement. I suppose I took it to mean that all of my friends, no matter how involved in the incident in general, got attacked.
It sorta hurt to hear, and didn't seem well-founded. Now I understand that you meant a much smaller group of people and a much more uncertain perhaps.
As for the bulletin, it's not that I think it absolves me from any actually guilt, and as I stated, I didn't, in fact, end up having a problem with anyone excepting Dano himself. It's more that I felt that I had made precautions, and tried to warn people, and then avoided those I knew were combustible sorts of people, in order to try to avoid a spin-off incident. The real intention of the bulletin was to warn people so they might not feel quite as hurt *if* I did say something I shouldn't. I suppose what I was saying by mentioning it was more along the lines of, I made an honest effort, knowing my stress level was through the roof, to try not to upset people. I really did.
So when I read your comment, it hit me hard. And after I thought about it, and slept on it, I really couldn't get over the fact that even though I had tried to be levelheaded about my actions, and even though I had tried repeatedly to use control, you were telling me that the degree to which I lashed out in a stressful situation was inappropriate.
I understand, now, that that isn't really what you meant. I'm sorry for getting so defensive about it. It's ironic to me, actually, that when I actually felt the most justified, and when I actually felt the most as though I was being undeservedly criticized, I was, in reality, the least righteous in my anger.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand, properly. Had you meant it the way I thought, I would feel justified, but as things stand, I feel like an ass. I should have asked you simply to clarify. Instead, I assumed that I knew what you meant. Again, I'm sorry.
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