"i take my desires for reality,
because i believe in the reality of my desires!"
but i'm not sure if i trust the depth of my desires. one night recently, during a wellbutrin freak-out, i told page that i no longer felt worth being loved, "and i don't mean that in a self-deprecating way," i said. "i used to love life, really love life -- and that made me more lovable."
i used to love a pair of shoes not for how they looked but for how they sounded. i once quit a job because i wanted to go swimming an afternoon i was scheduled to work. i may not have been as "liberated" but my intentions, my desires, were pure.
at the same time, i feel that any guilt or regret i feel about lazy, superficial passions is the result of the same underlying, overwhelming forces.
in regards to a very specific situation, i was told that i'm "settling." the same night, i asked my friends, "if the world was going to end tomorrow, who would want to sleep by themselves tonight?" i have a concept of urgency, and sometimes even put that concept into practice: i guess what i'm saying is that, i have little difficulty putting my shallow desires into practice, but very rarely put the same energy into my deeper, truer ones.
it's easier said than done, i know. at least i've taken then time to be conscious of recent shortcomings.
i'm sure this is all abstract, but i just had to express it. because, if it hadn't been for the whiskey, i wouldn't have been able to sleep the past two nights.
love, kelly.
but i'm not sure if i trust the depth of my desires. one night recently, during a wellbutrin freak-out, i told page that i no longer felt worth being loved, "and i don't mean that in a self-deprecating way," i said. "i used to love life, really love life -- and that made me more lovable."
i used to love a pair of shoes not for how they looked but for how they sounded. i once quit a job because i wanted to go swimming an afternoon i was scheduled to work. i may not have been as "liberated" but my intentions, my desires, were pure.
at the same time, i feel that any guilt or regret i feel about lazy, superficial passions is the result of the same underlying, overwhelming forces.
in regards to a very specific situation, i was told that i'm "settling." the same night, i asked my friends, "if the world was going to end tomorrow, who would want to sleep by themselves tonight?" i have a concept of urgency, and sometimes even put that concept into practice: i guess what i'm saying is that, i have little difficulty putting my shallow desires into practice, but very rarely put the same energy into my deeper, truer ones.
it's easier said than done, i know. at least i've taken then time to be conscious of recent shortcomings.
i'm sure this is all abstract, but i just had to express it. because, if it hadn't been for the whiskey, i wouldn't have been able to sleep the past two nights.
love, kelly.