i just want to sleep now.
I find myself more and more often unable to sleep. I lie in bed and continually mull over things. I think about my day. I think about tomorrow. I think about what I should have eaten, instead of what I did eat. I think about giving my dog a bath. I think about the people that I miss. I think about how I should exercise and I think about how they should make cubicles with doors (and locks) and ceilings…and that it would be nothing at all like an office. I also wonder if there has ever been a successful cat muzzle that would be available for purchase that I can buy the loud of mouth cat in my life.
Lately I think about my ex. I have such mixed emotions about this. I keep hoping that she’ll come and make some sort of grand gesture. Something that says that she does not want me to go away. It’s not a game that I’m playing. I did break up with her, and not in the best of ways, and I feel like I did what I had to do.
In my mind, I know that we were not good together. I know that we were never really going to be good…or more to the truth…we were never going to be what I wanted. In my mind, I know that I did what I should have done two years ago. In my mind, I know that I deserve better. In my mind, I can realize that she really is a self-centered asshole and I’m better off without her.
In my heart and the rest of my body? I just miss her. I do. I shouldn’t. I hate that I do, but I miss her. The worst part is that I don’t even have a good reason for missing her. How can I really miss talking to someone who’s not ever really available? How can I miss seeing someone who’s never really around? How can I miss a friendship that was never all that balanced? How can this be loneliness if there was not much companionship to begin with? This whole thing really has not changed my day-to-day life much. How an I let go of something that I never had a grasp on to begin with?!
So, why do I keep hoping that she’ll make some grand gesture? I’m not really sure. Maybe because she said that she loved me? Maybe because she told me I was important to her? Maybe because I thought that for once, someone meant those words and intended to prove it. I’m not playing a game, I guess I’m just desperate for someone to actually mean(and prove) what they say.
Lately I think about my ex. I have such mixed emotions about this. I keep hoping that she’ll come and make some sort of grand gesture. Something that says that she does not want me to go away. It’s not a game that I’m playing. I did break up with her, and not in the best of ways, and I feel like I did what I had to do.
In my mind, I know that we were not good together. I know that we were never really going to be good…or more to the truth…we were never going to be what I wanted. In my mind, I know that I did what I should have done two years ago. In my mind, I know that I deserve better. In my mind, I can realize that she really is a self-centered asshole and I’m better off without her.
In my heart and the rest of my body? I just miss her. I do. I shouldn’t. I hate that I do, but I miss her. The worst part is that I don’t even have a good reason for missing her. How can I really miss talking to someone who’s not ever really available? How can I miss seeing someone who’s never really around? How can I miss a friendship that was never all that balanced? How can this be loneliness if there was not much companionship to begin with? This whole thing really has not changed my day-to-day life much. How an I let go of something that I never had a grasp on to begin with?!
So, why do I keep hoping that she’ll make some grand gesture? I’m not really sure. Maybe because she said that she loved me? Maybe because she told me I was important to her? Maybe because I thought that for once, someone meant those words and intended to prove it. I’m not playing a game, I guess I’m just desperate for someone to actually mean(and prove) what they say.