I'm finally completely off of Paxil.
In the sense that I haven't taken it in a couple of days, after getting down to 2.5mg. But obviously it is still in my system, at least for a little bit longer.
And yet I am still extremely suicidal, enraged, impatient, and so on. This makes me the worst mother in the world. All I want is for someone to replace me so that Adira can get the mother she deserves, and I can go die like I deserve. Because I am horrible. And useless. And always will be. And she is magical, and beautiful. And I really fucking hate myself for being what I am, hurting her like I am. Jesus, I probably already messed her up for life.
If only that replacement would come. Instead, it would just be another devastation for her, probably worse even than me staying alive, so here we are. Anyway, maybe I'll stop feeling this way when I'm all done with withdrawal? Maybe I'll be a better mom then? I know I was a good mom once a long time ago, when she was a baby and everything was simple. Except sleep, but that problem is so cute compared to these that it's not even in the same universe.
Anyway, anyway.
And yet I am still extremely suicidal, enraged, impatient, and so on. This makes me the worst mother in the world. All I want is for someone to replace me so that Adira can get the mother she deserves, and I can go die like I deserve. Because I am horrible. And useless. And always will be. And she is magical, and beautiful. And I really fucking hate myself for being what I am, hurting her like I am. Jesus, I probably already messed her up for life.
If only that replacement would come. Instead, it would just be another devastation for her, probably worse even than me staying alive, so here we are. Anyway, maybe I'll stop feeling this way when I'm all done with withdrawal? Maybe I'll be a better mom then? I know I was a good mom once a long time ago, when she was a baby and everything was simple. Except sleep, but that problem is so cute compared to these that it's not even in the same universe.
Anyway, anyway.