shit just got real
Today, twelve days into cutting my Paxil dosage in half, I finally learned why people compare Paxil withdrawal from heroin withdrawal, why it's considered the worst SSRI to get off of, and why there are huge forums dedicated to how to quit Paxil.
It felt like my brain and nervous system was being tortured by some drug, weirdly, even though it's a lack of drug that was doing it. I mean, if I didn't know anything about what I was taking or not taking, the only explanation I would have for what I experienced was that somebody had drugged me with something truly horrific. There is no way to even describe what happened. You've either withdrawn from Paxil, or you haven't. All I can say in regards to comparison is that I felt like I felt how junkies look. Junkiness suddenly made sense to me, intuitively.
Also, a kind of hilarious psychological side effect was how shrunken depression became next to withdrawal. Like, how could I have EVER been depressed or minded being depressed when I wasn't having near-constant vertigo, brain zaps, nauseating dizziness, murderous rage, inability to focus my eyes, and a trance-like zoning out that feels like I'm trapped in my own body and lose all sense of time, staring into the distance while vertigo-ing and dizzy and incapable of focusing at all, for even a second. Depression is a non-stop party with brownies and balloons compared to the unique torture that is Paxil withdrawal.
There was also this very weird thing with the computer screen that I read other people have when they withdraw too, which is that looking at the screen brought on this kind of hypnotic trance of pain and unfocusing of the eyes, so that it was literally physically impossible for me to do my work today (and I had a LOT of work today). I would lose ten minutes at a time and then look up and not realize what happened or what I was doing. I wouldn't remember anything. I was just fucking gone. And in my job, I have to account for every single minute to get paid for that minute. The rest of the time is worthless. So that was fun.
I have never done this before in my life, but today I had to. I went into the bathroom, several times, and slapped myself really hard across both cheeks to try to snap myself out of it so I could write the motion. What kept coming to mind was those shows/movies where someone got drugged by the bad guy and is trying to become coherent enough to plan their escape somehow. Except instead of heroically freeing myself from evil, I marched back into my office and tried not to let the computer screen entrance me so I could help someone get child support. Slightly less dramatic?
But going through it was actually quite dramatic and intense and just totally fucking insane. I'm so terrified of tomorrow. And the day after that. It's only going to get worse, now that my serotonin levels are compensating wildly for the last stores of the full dose of Paxil leaving my brain. Holy shit, I don't know if I can handle any worse. I really don't.
It felt like my brain and nervous system was being tortured by some drug, weirdly, even though it's a lack of drug that was doing it. I mean, if I didn't know anything about what I was taking or not taking, the only explanation I would have for what I experienced was that somebody had drugged me with something truly horrific. There is no way to even describe what happened. You've either withdrawn from Paxil, or you haven't. All I can say in regards to comparison is that I felt like I felt how junkies look. Junkiness suddenly made sense to me, intuitively.
Also, a kind of hilarious psychological side effect was how shrunken depression became next to withdrawal. Like, how could I have EVER been depressed or minded being depressed when I wasn't having near-constant vertigo, brain zaps, nauseating dizziness, murderous rage, inability to focus my eyes, and a trance-like zoning out that feels like I'm trapped in my own body and lose all sense of time, staring into the distance while vertigo-ing and dizzy and incapable of focusing at all, for even a second. Depression is a non-stop party with brownies and balloons compared to the unique torture that is Paxil withdrawal.
There was also this very weird thing with the computer screen that I read other people have when they withdraw too, which is that looking at the screen brought on this kind of hypnotic trance of pain and unfocusing of the eyes, so that it was literally physically impossible for me to do my work today (and I had a LOT of work today). I would lose ten minutes at a time and then look up and not realize what happened or what I was doing. I wouldn't remember anything. I was just fucking gone. And in my job, I have to account for every single minute to get paid for that minute. The rest of the time is worthless. So that was fun.
I have never done this before in my life, but today I had to. I went into the bathroom, several times, and slapped myself really hard across both cheeks to try to snap myself out of it so I could write the motion. What kept coming to mind was those shows/movies where someone got drugged by the bad guy and is trying to become coherent enough to plan their escape somehow. Except instead of heroically freeing myself from evil, I marched back into my office and tried not to let the computer screen entrance me so I could help someone get child support. Slightly less dramatic?
But going through it was actually quite dramatic and intense and just totally fucking insane. I'm so terrified of tomorrow. And the day after that. It's only going to get worse, now that my serotonin levels are compensating wildly for the last stores of the full dose of Paxil leaving my brain. Holy shit, I don't know if I can handle any worse. I really don't.