Studies of Resonant Bodies, Chapter 11
Word Count: 1,824
Spoilers: To the end of Season 3
Rating: NC-17
She was standing there in the middle of his hall, clutching at one arm as she looked nervously over her shoulder. She looked uncomfortable. She always had in the past, in these moments right before he opened his door. But he doubted she was here for the same reasons now, unless her relationship with the wonder boy had gone south already.
But he doubted it. He’d seen the way she’d looked at him, out behind that bar. He sighed, and pulled the door open.
“Britta,” Jeff Winger said, keeping his voice calm.
“Hi…” she replied, weakly. Her eyes went to the tumbler of scotch in his hands
“Want some?” he asked, taking a sip. He hoped she’d say yes. It’d give him an excuse to refill his glass, to pour a bit more alcohol down his throat to try and quench the fire in his chest.
“No. I’m not going to stay long.” She winced. “Fuck. This already feels awkward. Can I come in?”
He stepped out of her way, letting her cross the threshold into his apartment. It was the first time she’d been in here, since they’d stopped fucking. Except for the brief period when Chang had been his roommate, she’d almost always come to him.
Britta plopped down on his couch as he stood, watching her. She took a deep breath.
“Alright. I didn’t want another repeat of the whole ‘Vaughn’ fiasco, so… I thought you should hear it from me. In private.” She was watching his face intently. “Troy and I… we’ve been… seeing each other.”
Jeff had thought a lot about how he’d react when he “found out” about this. He’d thought about laughing at her, about hiding his own pain by making her feel bad about herself. He’d thought about getting angry. He’d thought of about ten different jokes he could make, most of them centering on the difference in their ages. He thought about breaking down, of telling her how empty his life seemed to him now and how much he regretted the choices he’d made, especially the ones about her.
But all those different ideas got caught up in each other as they tried to push and shove their way outside his head. So he just nodded, and said: “Okay.”
“We’re telling the group, tomorrow,” she continued.
“Okay,” he repeated. He still hadn’t moved from where he’d been standing when she walked in.
“And I just wanted to make sure, you know, that things were cool. Between us.”
He took another sip of his booze.
“God, if you’re just going to stand there-” Britta fumed, standing up and stomping towards the door, “-mocking me, I’m going to go. I knew this was a stupid idea. I don’t know why I thought you’d give a shit.”
“Britta-” he grabbed her arm as she passed him, stopping her. He felt her stiffen at his touch. “I do.”
She was studying his face again, and she looked sadder now. He felt her start to relax, and he rubbed her arm gently with his thumb. He saw a small shadow of the intimacy that they used to share cross her face.
“Jeff…” she said. “Don’t.”
“Okay,” he said again. He let her go. “Sorry.”
“I’ll see you in the study room tomorrow,” she said, her voice slightly choked. And then she left. Jeff closed the door behind her, then rested his forehead on it’s cool, wooden surface. He didn’t move for a long time, afterwards.
#
“Wait… Troy and Britta are sleeping together?” Dean Pelton asked, incredulous, as the study room doors closed behind the retreating couple. He looked from face to face around the table. “IS THERE A LISTSERVE OR SOMETHING I’M NOT SIGNED UP FOR?!”
Jeff ignored him. He struggled to get his breathing under control, to get his heart to stop pounding so quickly in his chest. He pushed his chair back, standing and sliding his cell phone into his back pocket. “Since it seems like we’re not going to get any work done today,” he said, as if not doing work wasn’t his raison d'être, “I’m going to go.”
“Jeff!” Annie objected.
“I’m with Jeffery,” Shirley said. “Do you really think they’re coming back? Those two are probably half-way to a supply closet by now.”
“Shirley!” Annie objected again, more shrilly, “Gross!”
“What’s the matter Annie?” Jeff asked, her obvious embarrassment suddenly deeply offensive to him for some reason. “Are they not so cute anymore?”
He instantly felt bad, even before she shot him a look of betrayal. He knew he had no right to mock anyone for being emotionally confused, not right now.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Abed’s right about you,” she seethed. “You need to find a healthier way to vent your jealousy Jeff because it’s making you act like a real jerk!” She stood, grabbing her backpack from the back of her chair.
“You guys…” the Dean said, looking around at all of them, pain etched into his face. Everyone else was following Annie’s lead and packing up their things. “You’re not supposed to fight… We- we have money this year! I fixed everything!”
“I’ll see you at lunch,” Jeff said, and turned and walked out the study room. He made his way out of the library and out into the quad, moving at a brisk pace, putting as much distance between him and the group as he could. He’d embarrassed himself in there, he knew that. He felt guilty about upsetting the group, even the Dean.
He stalked across the quad, his shoulders hunched over. His head throbbed, and he felt slightly dizzy. He made his way over to the nearest empty bench, no longer confident that his legs could keep him upright.
He hadn’t intended to get that worked up.
He stopped, placing his hand on the bench and sinking into it. “Christ…” he muttered. He wiped a hand across his clammy, sweating forehead and down his face.
He really hadn’t. He knew he owed it to Britta to play it cool in there, and he’d failed. Completely. The only small victory he could take away was that he wasn’t the one who’d embarrassed her the most. Jeff smirked, thinking of Troy. Dumbass, he thought. He could understand why Britta was attracted to his earnestness, but he also knew it would ultimately be what drove her away from him. Britta didn’t need some fresh-faced kid who was just as excited about the new season of Inspector Who (or whatever) as he was about her. She needed someone reliable, someone that knew who she was and would be there for her after passions had cooled and reality had set in.
Someone like him.
“Stop it,” he said, aloud.
“Stop what?” Abed asked.
“Jesus!” Jeff said, whipping his head around to see his friend standing there, in the middle of the path leading back to the library. Abed regarded him evenly, not speaking. Jeff felt annoyance bubble up inside him. “What? You hear to point the obvious out to me some more, Abed? Yes. I know. I’m a jackass.”
Abed quirked his head.
“And no, I don’t know why. I don’t know what the hell is the matter with me. I’ve always been able to keep myself together before, through way more stressful situations than this. I defrauded the state bar without breaking a sweat. I’ve never had trouble controlling my emotions like this. I don’t know what’s happe-“
“You were able to control how you reacted to your emotions,” Abed interrupted. “That’s not the same thing.”
Jeff blinked, derailed. That was a pretty good point.
“You should start coming to Yoga with me,” Abed offered.
“What?” Jeff asked.
“Yoga,” Abed repeated. “I started going at the end of last year. I stopped over the summer, obviously, but I’m going to sign up for another class. You should come with me; I think it’d help you. Plus we haven’t spent a lot of time with each other recently. And I don’t like that.”
“I-” Jeff was taken aback. He’d assumed Abed had come out here to yell at him. Somehow, though, this made him feel even worse. And maybe that was a good thing. “Yeah, Abed. Sure. That sounds like a good idea.”
“Cool. You’re my friend Jeff.” Abed cocked his head again. “But Troy and Britta are also my friends.”
“I know, Abed. They’re my friends too.” He looked away.
“I can empathize with feeling conflicted about their relationship. I was too; you know how much I don’t like change. I let that scare me. Let that make me do things I regret now. But don’t mess things up between them. They both deserve this.” His voice suddenly hardened. “And stop being a dick to Annie. That’s strike two.”
Abed turned and walked away before Jeff could respond to that, leaving him sitting there alone with his mouth hanging half open. The reproach about Annie probably stung the most, but he was right about everything. Jeff sighed, standing. Abed usually was. He had some people to apologize to.
#
He found them coming out the library’s back entrance, holding hands. Judging by their appearance, the state of their clothing and Britta’s hair and makeup, he guessed that Shirley had been wrong about that supply closet. Britta saw him approaching, and gripped Troy’s hand tighter.
“Easy,” he said in response to the way both their faces had tightened. “I’m here to apologize. I know navigating your relationship around the five of us must be hard enough without me out there, splashing around like a god damned baby. So… I’m sorry. For that.”
“Thanks Jeff! That’s really big of you,” Troy said, before Britta elbowed him in the ribs. “Oh! And I’m sorry too. I should have been more considerate of your feelings in the way I chose to reveal the fact that Britta and I had become lovers.”
Britta shot him a sour look.
“What?” Troy asked, grinning at her. “I know you don’t like ‘girlfriend.’”
“‘Lovers’ is way grosser, dude,” Britta objected, but she was smiling too.
Jeff was already starting to feel a rising tide of nausea sweep over him, so he interrupted. “Let’s just try this whole announcement thing again. Call a mulligan?”
Troy looked over at Britta, still smiling. “Okay.”
“Jeff,” Britta said. “Troy and I have started seeing each other.”
“That’s great,” Jeff said, keeping his voice genuine. “I mean, I think Britta’s name is probably going to end up in a sex offender database…” Britta groaned, but the noise was much more amused than annoyed. “But really. I know I was acting like a jerk before but I’m happy for you two. I hope it works out.”
Britta smiled at him. “Thanks. I appreciate that, Jeff, I really do.”
Jeff watched them walk off across the quad, hand in hand. But his smile didn’t reach his eyes. He knew, deep down in his heart, that he’d been lying.
Spoilers: To the end of Season 3
Rating: NC-17
She was standing there in the middle of his hall, clutching at one arm as she looked nervously over her shoulder. She looked uncomfortable. She always had in the past, in these moments right before he opened his door. But he doubted she was here for the same reasons now, unless her relationship with the wonder boy had gone south already.
But he doubted it. He’d seen the way she’d looked at him, out behind that bar. He sighed, and pulled the door open.
“Britta,” Jeff Winger said, keeping his voice calm.
“Hi…” she replied, weakly. Her eyes went to the tumbler of scotch in his hands
“Want some?” he asked, taking a sip. He hoped she’d say yes. It’d give him an excuse to refill his glass, to pour a bit more alcohol down his throat to try and quench the fire in his chest.
“No. I’m not going to stay long.” She winced. “Fuck. This already feels awkward. Can I come in?”
He stepped out of her way, letting her cross the threshold into his apartment. It was the first time she’d been in here, since they’d stopped fucking. Except for the brief period when Chang had been his roommate, she’d almost always come to him.
Britta plopped down on his couch as he stood, watching her. She took a deep breath.
“Alright. I didn’t want another repeat of the whole ‘Vaughn’ fiasco, so… I thought you should hear it from me. In private.” She was watching his face intently. “Troy and I… we’ve been… seeing each other.”
Jeff had thought a lot about how he’d react when he “found out” about this. He’d thought about laughing at her, about hiding his own pain by making her feel bad about herself. He’d thought about getting angry. He’d thought of about ten different jokes he could make, most of them centering on the difference in their ages. He thought about breaking down, of telling her how empty his life seemed to him now and how much he regretted the choices he’d made, especially the ones about her.
But all those different ideas got caught up in each other as they tried to push and shove their way outside his head. So he just nodded, and said: “Okay.”
“We’re telling the group, tomorrow,” she continued.
“Okay,” he repeated. He still hadn’t moved from where he’d been standing when she walked in.
“And I just wanted to make sure, you know, that things were cool. Between us.”
He took another sip of his booze.
“God, if you’re just going to stand there-” Britta fumed, standing up and stomping towards the door, “-mocking me, I’m going to go. I knew this was a stupid idea. I don’t know why I thought you’d give a shit.”
“Britta-” he grabbed her arm as she passed him, stopping her. He felt her stiffen at his touch. “I do.”
She was studying his face again, and she looked sadder now. He felt her start to relax, and he rubbed her arm gently with his thumb. He saw a small shadow of the intimacy that they used to share cross her face.
“Jeff…” she said. “Don’t.”
“Okay,” he said again. He let her go. “Sorry.”
“I’ll see you in the study room tomorrow,” she said, her voice slightly choked. And then she left. Jeff closed the door behind her, then rested his forehead on it’s cool, wooden surface. He didn’t move for a long time, afterwards.
#
“Wait… Troy and Britta are sleeping together?” Dean Pelton asked, incredulous, as the study room doors closed behind the retreating couple. He looked from face to face around the table. “IS THERE A LISTSERVE OR SOMETHING I’M NOT SIGNED UP FOR?!”
Jeff ignored him. He struggled to get his breathing under control, to get his heart to stop pounding so quickly in his chest. He pushed his chair back, standing and sliding his cell phone into his back pocket. “Since it seems like we’re not going to get any work done today,” he said, as if not doing work wasn’t his raison d'être, “I’m going to go.”
“Jeff!” Annie objected.
“I’m with Jeffery,” Shirley said. “Do you really think they’re coming back? Those two are probably half-way to a supply closet by now.”
“Shirley!” Annie objected again, more shrilly, “Gross!”
“What’s the matter Annie?” Jeff asked, her obvious embarrassment suddenly deeply offensive to him for some reason. “Are they not so cute anymore?”
He instantly felt bad, even before she shot him a look of betrayal. He knew he had no right to mock anyone for being emotionally confused, not right now.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Abed’s right about you,” she seethed. “You need to find a healthier way to vent your jealousy Jeff because it’s making you act like a real jerk!” She stood, grabbing her backpack from the back of her chair.
“You guys…” the Dean said, looking around at all of them, pain etched into his face. Everyone else was following Annie’s lead and packing up their things. “You’re not supposed to fight… We- we have money this year! I fixed everything!”
“I’ll see you at lunch,” Jeff said, and turned and walked out the study room. He made his way out of the library and out into the quad, moving at a brisk pace, putting as much distance between him and the group as he could. He’d embarrassed himself in there, he knew that. He felt guilty about upsetting the group, even the Dean.
He stalked across the quad, his shoulders hunched over. His head throbbed, and he felt slightly dizzy. He made his way over to the nearest empty bench, no longer confident that his legs could keep him upright.
He hadn’t intended to get that worked up.
He stopped, placing his hand on the bench and sinking into it. “Christ…” he muttered. He wiped a hand across his clammy, sweating forehead and down his face.
He really hadn’t. He knew he owed it to Britta to play it cool in there, and he’d failed. Completely. The only small victory he could take away was that he wasn’t the one who’d embarrassed her the most. Jeff smirked, thinking of Troy. Dumbass, he thought. He could understand why Britta was attracted to his earnestness, but he also knew it would ultimately be what drove her away from him. Britta didn’t need some fresh-faced kid who was just as excited about the new season of Inspector Who (or whatever) as he was about her. She needed someone reliable, someone that knew who she was and would be there for her after passions had cooled and reality had set in.
Someone like him.
“Stop it,” he said, aloud.
“Stop what?” Abed asked.
“Jesus!” Jeff said, whipping his head around to see his friend standing there, in the middle of the path leading back to the library. Abed regarded him evenly, not speaking. Jeff felt annoyance bubble up inside him. “What? You hear to point the obvious out to me some more, Abed? Yes. I know. I’m a jackass.”
Abed quirked his head.
“And no, I don’t know why. I don’t know what the hell is the matter with me. I’ve always been able to keep myself together before, through way more stressful situations than this. I defrauded the state bar without breaking a sweat. I’ve never had trouble controlling my emotions like this. I don’t know what’s happe-“
“You were able to control how you reacted to your emotions,” Abed interrupted. “That’s not the same thing.”
Jeff blinked, derailed. That was a pretty good point.
“You should start coming to Yoga with me,” Abed offered.
“What?” Jeff asked.
“Yoga,” Abed repeated. “I started going at the end of last year. I stopped over the summer, obviously, but I’m going to sign up for another class. You should come with me; I think it’d help you. Plus we haven’t spent a lot of time with each other recently. And I don’t like that.”
“I-” Jeff was taken aback. He’d assumed Abed had come out here to yell at him. Somehow, though, this made him feel even worse. And maybe that was a good thing. “Yeah, Abed. Sure. That sounds like a good idea.”
“Cool. You’re my friend Jeff.” Abed cocked his head again. “But Troy and Britta are also my friends.”
“I know, Abed. They’re my friends too.” He looked away.
“I can empathize with feeling conflicted about their relationship. I was too; you know how much I don’t like change. I let that scare me. Let that make me do things I regret now. But don’t mess things up between them. They both deserve this.” His voice suddenly hardened. “And stop being a dick to Annie. That’s strike two.”
Abed turned and walked away before Jeff could respond to that, leaving him sitting there alone with his mouth hanging half open. The reproach about Annie probably stung the most, but he was right about everything. Jeff sighed, standing. Abed usually was. He had some people to apologize to.
#
He found them coming out the library’s back entrance, holding hands. Judging by their appearance, the state of their clothing and Britta’s hair and makeup, he guessed that Shirley had been wrong about that supply closet. Britta saw him approaching, and gripped Troy’s hand tighter.
“Easy,” he said in response to the way both their faces had tightened. “I’m here to apologize. I know navigating your relationship around the five of us must be hard enough without me out there, splashing around like a god damned baby. So… I’m sorry. For that.”
“Thanks Jeff! That’s really big of you,” Troy said, before Britta elbowed him in the ribs. “Oh! And I’m sorry too. I should have been more considerate of your feelings in the way I chose to reveal the fact that Britta and I had become lovers.”
Britta shot him a sour look.
“What?” Troy asked, grinning at her. “I know you don’t like ‘girlfriend.’”
“‘Lovers’ is way grosser, dude,” Britta objected, but she was smiling too.
Jeff was already starting to feel a rising tide of nausea sweep over him, so he interrupted. “Let’s just try this whole announcement thing again. Call a mulligan?”
Troy looked over at Britta, still smiling. “Okay.”
“Jeff,” Britta said. “Troy and I have started seeing each other.”
“That’s great,” Jeff said, keeping his voice genuine. “I mean, I think Britta’s name is probably going to end up in a sex offender database…” Britta groaned, but the noise was much more amused than annoyed. “But really. I know I was acting like a jerk before but I’m happy for you two. I hope it works out.”
Britta smiled at him. “Thanks. I appreciate that, Jeff, I really do.”
Jeff watched them walk off across the quad, hand in hand. But his smile didn’t reach his eyes. He knew, deep down in his heart, that he’d been lying.