a head full of thoughts.....
and no one to explain to.
my head is everywhere.... i felt like it was a wineglass caught in a vice grip... and the pressure was almost more than my head could take.... well it was... my thoughts are spilling out... all over.
i didn't think id ever reach a point like this... in my life. being raised the way i was... I had a cake childhood. parents who loved the shit out of me. and never was in want for anything. never was hungry my. dad wasn't out at the bars and mom cared enough about me and my education to home school me. she raised me to be a girl of God. i used to feel a fire inside.... something burning in my soul... a longing for more of God than i could even handle at the age of 9. I've had the same prophetic word spoken into my life by a few dozen different I'm supposed to be a trumpet to my generation and i feel more like a whoopee cushion... like i have let God down. even tho i know his grace surpasses all understanding. i know i have put my family through a loop... well a few... with the choices in my life... all the while I'm putting my 2cents in about how i think they need to be living. i look at my life... i am doing well... staying afloat jobs are good and money is alright... yet when i see under my skin into what i have become... i feel so disappointed with myself and with the decisions i have made. i feel like a hollow shell of what i used to be... i was spiritually stronger at the ages 5-17 than i am now. its sad.
i feel like my life isn't any where where i should be spiritually.... I did get involved in homosexual relationships and i still struggle with my feelings for the same sex. I REALLY don't know what to do with those feelings if its not morally right. God is helping me figure it out. I'm putting my guts out on the chopping block for the whole world to see... maybe more than people want to know/see. but maybe making someone with the same struggles know that they aren't alone. The thoughts i have had lately put fear in me... dark thoughts... yes I'm going to say it... suicidal thoughts. PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO DO ANYTHING DRASTIC... I pray for the Holy Spirit to come and give me peace and to know that its just Satan trying to pry a bigger hole in my already weak spirit. and i know this...
a shadow of who i once was.... stronger at the age of 5 than at the age of almost 25. Ive decided to start trying to rebuild my life. my spiritual life. because how am i supposed to show people who Christ REALLY is if i am barely a shadow of an example? I need to start showing compassion, patience and love for those that need it most. I'm in the best lines of work to show who God really is.... That the "CHRISTIAN" word isn't all that its made out to be...
i know i have a long road of rebuilding. I'm hoping that in reading this maybe you can encourage me in the process of my spiritual journey of getting back to the place i want to be, where i know and have always known where i want to be. keep me in your prayers. its going to be hard.
my head is everywhere.... i felt like it was a wineglass caught in a vice grip... and the pressure was almost more than my head could take.... well it was... my thoughts are spilling out... all over.
i didn't think id ever reach a point like this... in my life. being raised the way i was... I had a cake childhood. parents who loved the shit out of me. and never was in want for anything. never was hungry my. dad wasn't out at the bars and mom cared enough about me and my education to home school me. she raised me to be a girl of God. i used to feel a fire inside.... something burning in my soul... a longing for more of God than i could even handle at the age of 9. I've had the same prophetic word spoken into my life by a few dozen different I'm supposed to be a trumpet to my generation and i feel more like a whoopee cushion... like i have let God down. even tho i know his grace surpasses all understanding. i know i have put my family through a loop... well a few... with the choices in my life... all the while I'm putting my 2cents in about how i think they need to be living. i look at my life... i am doing well... staying afloat jobs are good and money is alright... yet when i see under my skin into what i have become... i feel so disappointed with myself and with the decisions i have made. i feel like a hollow shell of what i used to be... i was spiritually stronger at the ages 5-17 than i am now. its sad.
i feel like my life isn't any where where i should be spiritually.... I did get involved in homosexual relationships and i still struggle with my feelings for the same sex. I REALLY don't know what to do with those feelings if its not morally right. God is helping me figure it out. I'm putting my guts out on the chopping block for the whole world to see... maybe more than people want to know/see. but maybe making someone with the same struggles know that they aren't alone. The thoughts i have had lately put fear in me... dark thoughts... yes I'm going to say it... suicidal thoughts. PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO DO ANYTHING DRASTIC... I pray for the Holy Spirit to come and give me peace and to know that its just Satan trying to pry a bigger hole in my already weak spirit. and i know this...
a shadow of who i once was.... stronger at the age of 5 than at the age of almost 25. Ive decided to start trying to rebuild my life. my spiritual life. because how am i supposed to show people who Christ REALLY is if i am barely a shadow of an example? I need to start showing compassion, patience and love for those that need it most. I'm in the best lines of work to show who God really is.... That the "CHRISTIAN" word isn't all that its made out to be...
i know i have a long road of rebuilding. I'm hoping that in reading this maybe you can encourage me in the process of my spiritual journey of getting back to the place i want to be, where i know and have always known where i want to be. keep me in your prayers. its going to be hard.