Nov 17, 2005 23:17
About to go to bed but a quick update of what's going on. Was nervous this morning. Drove to my bosses house instead of my old office. Very wierd and different. We ended up straightening up her office and getting it to some degree of working order. That took all day really. I left there around 3 and delivered some products to a customer near Lamar (my old high school). right about the time I drove by the kids were being let out and there were teenagers every where. All these thoughts of being like them a couple of years ago washed over me. the walking to the bus stop , the after school activities, the feeling like a nobody in a school full of preppy rich kids, smarty mcsmart smarts, and or the random scary gangish kids. Ooooh the life of not paying for shit your self and not worrying about things like bills, and random things like i dunno your job stability and all that jazz. I would love to be able to just crawl back into my old self and slap my self around. But, alas that is not ment to be. If i didn't go through this shit now i might have to deal with it later on in life. And i'm sure that would be more of a bitch slap at 50 than at 24 ya know? Anyway, i got home around 5 and i have been bumming around since. I'm not in the mood for anything or anyone, if i would have had my fiona apple cd around and NOT in the locked up office like it is right now i would have been jamming to that laying in bed for most of the night but since i didn't i layed on the couch and watched random "good eats" episodes on DVR.
Oh and i got the gem of a news nugget from my dad basicly finding out that well his car is dead. He can't afford to fix it and can't afford to get another car. SOOOoOOooOOoOOo, it looks like I am the one deemed to take him to the radio station every Saturday which is fine but, I feel horrible. HORRIBLE that i can't help my dad. HORRIBLE that my dad is in this position where he really is just well stuck. I don't have the money to help him and he dosn't have a car to get around and from the way it looks like won't have one for another year. He's going to be stuck to bus and bumming ride duty for a year??? SHIT. I can't have this. How am i going to help him. I don't know right now but, damnit i have to figure out something. My dad isn't some helpless man and can't deal with it i know. But, he's my dad damnit - I dont want to seem him in this position. I swear I feel like the parent some times. Which is has it's plus and minuses but, it's more or less just me feeling like i have to prove to my dad that i'm good for something.. I might not be out standingly beautiful, or smart, or rich, or some other wonderful adjective attribute but I am here no matter what. Or maybe.. JUST MAYBE i'm just down right mental. That could be it but, that's a nother entry altogether. Anyway, I'm off...bed calls. NIGHT.