Yelling at You
Title
: Yelling at you
Author : marnidoo
Rating : pg
Pairing : Junhyung/ Hyunseung
Summary : Hyunseung hates it. All he wanna do is screaming
Notes : This is my first time posting a fic here, be kind to me please =) English is not my language so excuse me for the mistakes I probably made and remember that comments and criticism are good for my improvement! Thank you! ^^
Yelling at you
The door closed quietly behind him. The thin man stepped further in the cosy room and collapsed on the couch. He closed his eyes as he laid on it. He couldn’t believe he didn’t get the job. He was perfect for it but he had been rejected. As soon as he started writing ‘Good morning’ on his little block, the woman’s smile had faded. «I’m sorry, but actually we already got someone for the job.» she had just said before leading him towards the exit. He felt angry and exhausted. It had been months he’d searched for a job but everytime it went wrong. Suddenly the phone rang, taking him out of his thoughts. He waited. Then he heard the answering machine.
Hi ! We’re not home right now or just too lazy to pick up the phone. (he can hear his lover’s smile as he was speaking) But leave a message! I’ll call you back!
Then a girl’s voice filled the nearly empty room.
« Junhyung ah... It’s me, Hyunha. I know I probably shouldn’t be calling you but I have to say... I miss you. I really want to meet you so please call me back. Please. »
And just like that her voice disappeared. The man remained still, frozen. He couldn’t believe what just happened. She called. Again. His mind was racing. Why did she call him again? Was Junhyung still seeing that bitch? He tried to calm down but all this was too painful. He’d always known that Junhyung couldn’t be what he pretended. At least he’d always known that was a possibility. What if he wasn’t in love with him. All he felt was pity since the very beginning he should have known! He couldn’t help but feel the anger grow inside. He was now sitting straight on the couch. His fingers digging in his knees’ flesh. He felt like screaming but he heard something outside the front door. A key turned in the knob and the younger man entered the room. He dropped is key on the table near the door and turned back. He smiled as he noticed the other man on the couch.
‘Hey Seungie’ he said coming closer. He leaned forward and kissed the other’s head. ‘How was your day?’ he asked.
Hyunseung locked his eyes on the floor. He knew they were full of tears. Tears of anger and frustration. He didn’t want to look at him. Junhyung seemed to understand something was wrong and sat on the couch as well.
‘Seung, are you alright ?’ Junhyung asked trying to face the older man. As he lifted his hand to turn the other’s chin, Hyunseung jumped on his feet and walked away from the couch. Junhyung frowned as he felt his own anger rising.
‘Okay now tell me what’s wrong?’ he said in an irritated tone.
Hyunseung turned around to face him. All over his face anger could be read, with slight pain. His hands were shaking as he gestured.
What about you tell me what’s going on?
Junhyung’s eyes widdened. He struggled with his want to shout at his lover. Instead his voice came out soft.
‘What do you mean ?’
Hyunseung’s eyes were piercing him. He never saw so much anger in those lovely eyes. Junhyung was suddenly scared. What was going on? They were fine when he left for work this morning. He was replaying the last few days in his head trying to find what he did wrong. He didn’t know. It was painful to admit it because Hyunseung seemed really mad at him but he had not a clue about what he had done. He lifted his head to look in his lover’s eyes again. He felt so guilty even if he didn’t know why. Hyunseung didn’t even notice how bad Junhyung looked. He was focused on his own feelings, his mind was such a mess. He suddenly lifted his hands.
Why are you still here ?
Junhyung frowned.
Because I live here.
Hyunseung bite his lower lip, he didn’t mind the pain.
Why are you still with me ?
Seung, what’s wrong ? Why are you asking that ?
Junhyung was lost. He didn’t understand at all. He didn’t know what to do to calm down the other. He suddenly remembered that Hyunseung had an appointment for a job earlier this day. Maybe he was mad at him because he didn’t called and asked about it. Maybe he was thinking he didn’t care and was hurt.
‘I forgot’ Junhyung started. ‘I’m sorry I forgot to call. How was your appointment ? Did... Did you get the job?’ he asked, afraid of looking him in the eyes. He looked at him again and he noticed he was gesturing frenetically his hands.
I don’t care about the job!
Junhyung was really concerned and took a step closer. As he did, Hyunseung stepped back with a grin, a painful grin on his lips. He didn’t need Junhyung to remind him he was a failure. He just wanted to know if he was playing with him.
I’m pathetic right? That’s why you stay. Admit it!
His hands were shaking so hard, moving so fast, Junhyung had some difficulties to get the whole sentence.
‘Baby, you need to calm down I don’t even manage to understand you’ he said looking worried.
Hyunseung closed his eyes, tilting his head towards the ceiling. When he looked down at Junhyung again, his look was even more fierce. He walked to the kitchen counter, where the phone laid. He looked at Junhyung.
Don’t pretend you don’t know.
With that he pressed the play button on the answering machine and waited.
« Junhyung ah... It’s me, Hyunha. I know I probably shouldn’t be calling you but I have to say... I miss you. I really want to meet you so please call me back. Please. »
The message played again and Junhyung’s eyes widdened. It couldn’t be this. Not again.
‘Seungie, that can’t be that again’ he started and Hyunseung glared at him.
So it’s my fault?
All his body was shaking, he was about to explode. His day really sucked! And now he had to deal with his boyfriend blaming HIM for being upset about HIS own former girlfriend’s call.
‘I didn’t ask her to call! I don’t care about her anymore I thought you knew it already!’ Junhyung said, it was almost a yell.
But she did! She always does! What don’t you go back to her then ?
He barely realized what he just suggested. Junhyung was frozen. He was really hurt. He released his anger as well.
‘That’s what you want ?’ He souted.
Do whatever you want! I don’t want your pity anymore!
‘Pity? What about pity?’ he was still yelling.
Hyunseung was about to respond but Junhyung walked closer, screaming.
‘Are you so afraid that you need to destroy everything ?’
This is not about me.
Hyunseung’s cheeks were deep red. He didn’t dare to look at Junhyung anymore.
‘It’s all about you!’ Junhyung had stopped in his track, realizing that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go too close around the other. ‘It always had and always will !’
So you don’t mind ? Everything is perfect in Yong Junhyung’s life?
‘What do you want me to say Hyunseung ?!’ Junhyung was totally loosing his mind.
That it sucks.
Junhyung looked at him. The older man was breathing heavily. He was really mad at him. Maybe it wasn’t at him. He was mad at the world, at himself. He had always been.
‘That our life sucks ?’ Junhyung asked.
Yes.
‘And what if I don’t agree?’
You don’t ?
‘For God’s sake Seung! What do you hate so much about our life ?!’
It’s too quiet.
Junhyung felt as if the other had slapped him. He was about to say something but Hyunseung went on.
I dare you to tell me you don’t feel the same.
I cannot answer to the phone unless you put the visio on.
I cannot laugh no matter how funny your jokes are.
‘But I don’t care! I knew it in the first place and I didn’t run away!’ Junhyung screamed. He couldn’t believe that Hyunseung didn’t trust him. He thought it was just pity. He didn’t trust his love anymore.
But you didn’t expect this would be so silent! Right?
‘I don’t even understand...’
You don’t feel anything when I can’t tell you I love you ? You don’t feel anything when I can’t scream your name in bed ? You don’t ?
‘It’s not a big deal!’
Not a big deal ?!
Hyunseung was walking through the room, his anger didn’t allow him to stay still. He was now behind the kitchen’s counter and was furious. Not a big deal ? He grabbed a plate and throw it at Junhyung’s feet. It broke loudly on the floor. His hands were still shaking with anger but Junhyung managed to decipher.
Not a big deal ? I can’t even yell at you when you’re here screaming !
He threw another plate with more strength. It made a louder noise as it crashed on the floor. Junhyung’s eyes grew wider.
‘Hyunseung! Stop it!’
Three other items threw in the air and crashed around his feet. Hyunseung’s face was now covered with tears but he felt contented by all the noise he managed to make. Before he realized it, Junhyung was crying too. He couldn’t even understand how they got there. In a fight. A violent fight. He never thought they would be some of those couple who throw plates at one another.
‘What do you want ? Just say something!’ Junhyung begged between his sobs. All his anger had left. He was here standing, crying, looking at his boyfriend who was going crazy and couldn’t stop from smashing plates on the floor.
I need to be something on my own. I need to exist.
And with that he turned his back on his lover and stepped outside. He needed to go away. To calm down. To think on his own. He was nothing in this life, he had to figure out how he could go on with that. As he was about to close the door he heard him.
‘You are...’ Junhyung’s voice broke. ‘everything to me’ it was merely a whisper.
The door closed loudly and Junhyung collapsed on the floor.
It took a while before he managed to get back to reality. But the reality he saw crashed him even more. He was all alone in their tiny flat and Hyunseung had just left him. He couldn’t be sure he was coming back and he was freaking the hell about it. All he could do was cleaning up the mess so he did. Slowly, he picked up every little bit of shattered plates on the floor.
Meanwhile, Hyunseung was walking, merely running. When he finally reached his destination he paused for a while, chest heaving. He stepped inside the building and headed towards the dancing room where he used to practice. He blessed the city for giving him such facilities and for free. He connected his i-pod to the music player and smiled to himself. He always had his i-pod in his pocket and it was revealing itself useful. He started to move slowly along with the music. He danced his anger out and finally found himself thinking.
He used to have a voice. His own voice. But he barely remembered how it sounded. He was so angry about everything. He remembered a time when he was chasing his dream. All he wanted was to debut in the music industry. All he wanted was to sing and dance because he lived for it. But all his hopes were crushed down when he got sick. He never understood how he got that stupid infection but he did. And then he ended up in the hospital. When he woke up, doctors told him he underwent surgery that turned out badly. He would never talk again. Not a sound. For some time he remained a back dancer in the compagny. Even if he wouldn’t be able to sing again he was an amazingly good dancer and they never asked him to leave. However, one day he quit. It was too much. He couldn’t bear to be that close to his dream, knowing he’d never reach it. Then, he thought about all the jobs he had. None of them was really interesting and he never kept one for a long time. As he was still dancing a bitter smile appeared on his lips. Irony. Irony was that Junhyung belonged to the industry he chose to leave. Once he was a trainee as well, willing to debut, willing to reach the stars but at some point, right after they met, Junhyung realized that it would take control over his whole life and he got scared, he stepped back. Instead he was writing songs for thoose who actually reached the top. Suddenly, Hyunseung stopped moving as realization strucked him.
Oh no. He didn’t...
He picked up his belongings and ran home as fast as he could. There was no anger left inside him. No. He just felt a bitter guilt. He stepped in the dark room. Everything was quiet. He noticed that Junhyung had cleaned all the mess he was responsible for and felt even more guitly about the whole thing. Carefully, he made his way towards the bedroom. He opened the door and headed into the same darkness. Only a tiny ray of light from the street lamp had made its way through the curtains. He hold his breath listening. Was Junhyung asleep? But then he noticed a slight, distant... sob?
He walked to the bed and kneeled in front of his lover. Junhyung’s face was covered with the blanket that was slightly shaking along with his sobs. Hyunseung’s heart sank. He slowly drew his hand above the blanket and pulled it down, discovering the other’s face. Junhyund fell silent but his breath was still disturbed by his previous condition. He looked up at the older male, face covered with tears. Hyunseung wanted to say a lot of things. That he was sorry. That he knew how the other loved him and that he was sorry for not trusting him enough when he should have. But he couldn’t. The room was so dark that he didn’t even try to move his hands. He knew Junhyung wouldn’t see a thing. So he did the only thing he could do.
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the younger male. His hold growing tighter and tighter around his lover. Junhyung couldn’t help but cry again as Hyunseung kissed his head, his forehead, his cheeks, every little part of him he could reach.
They stayed still for a while until Junhyung stopped crying. They broke apart only for Hyunseung to climb on the bed. He settled in his usual spot and pulled Junhyung’s head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around Hyunseung’s waist as the other stoke lightly his hair.
Everything was silent but Hyunseung didn’t care anymore. He had finally understood that they didn’t need words.
All was about being together.
Author : marnidoo
Rating : pg
Pairing : Junhyung/ Hyunseung
Summary : Hyunseung hates it. All he wanna do is screaming
Notes : This is my first time posting a fic here, be kind to me please =) English is not my language so excuse me for the mistakes I probably made and remember that comments and criticism are good for my improvement! Thank you! ^^
Yelling at you
The door closed quietly behind him. The thin man stepped further in the cosy room and collapsed on the couch. He closed his eyes as he laid on it. He couldn’t believe he didn’t get the job. He was perfect for it but he had been rejected. As soon as he started writing ‘Good morning’ on his little block, the woman’s smile had faded. «I’m sorry, but actually we already got someone for the job.» she had just said before leading him towards the exit. He felt angry and exhausted. It had been months he’d searched for a job but everytime it went wrong. Suddenly the phone rang, taking him out of his thoughts. He waited. Then he heard the answering machine.
Hi ! We’re not home right now or just too lazy to pick up the phone. (he can hear his lover’s smile as he was speaking) But leave a message! I’ll call you back!
Then a girl’s voice filled the nearly empty room.
« Junhyung ah... It’s me, Hyunha. I know I probably shouldn’t be calling you but I have to say... I miss you. I really want to meet you so please call me back. Please. »
And just like that her voice disappeared. The man remained still, frozen. He couldn’t believe what just happened. She called. Again. His mind was racing. Why did she call him again? Was Junhyung still seeing that bitch? He tried to calm down but all this was too painful. He’d always known that Junhyung couldn’t be what he pretended. At least he’d always known that was a possibility. What if he wasn’t in love with him. All he felt was pity since the very beginning he should have known! He couldn’t help but feel the anger grow inside. He was now sitting straight on the couch. His fingers digging in his knees’ flesh. He felt like screaming but he heard something outside the front door. A key turned in the knob and the younger man entered the room. He dropped is key on the table near the door and turned back. He smiled as he noticed the other man on the couch.
‘Hey Seungie’ he said coming closer. He leaned forward and kissed the other’s head. ‘How was your day?’ he asked.
Hyunseung locked his eyes on the floor. He knew they were full of tears. Tears of anger and frustration. He didn’t want to look at him. Junhyung seemed to understand something was wrong and sat on the couch as well.
‘Seung, are you alright ?’ Junhyung asked trying to face the older man. As he lifted his hand to turn the other’s chin, Hyunseung jumped on his feet and walked away from the couch. Junhyung frowned as he felt his own anger rising.
‘Okay now tell me what’s wrong?’ he said in an irritated tone.
Hyunseung turned around to face him. All over his face anger could be read, with slight pain. His hands were shaking as he gestured.
What about you tell me what’s going on?
Junhyung’s eyes widdened. He struggled with his want to shout at his lover. Instead his voice came out soft.
‘What do you mean ?’
Hyunseung’s eyes were piercing him. He never saw so much anger in those lovely eyes. Junhyung was suddenly scared. What was going on? They were fine when he left for work this morning. He was replaying the last few days in his head trying to find what he did wrong. He didn’t know. It was painful to admit it because Hyunseung seemed really mad at him but he had not a clue about what he had done. He lifted his head to look in his lover’s eyes again. He felt so guilty even if he didn’t know why. Hyunseung didn’t even notice how bad Junhyung looked. He was focused on his own feelings, his mind was such a mess. He suddenly lifted his hands.
Why are you still here ?
Junhyung frowned.
Because I live here.
Hyunseung bite his lower lip, he didn’t mind the pain.
Why are you still with me ?
Seung, what’s wrong ? Why are you asking that ?
Junhyung was lost. He didn’t understand at all. He didn’t know what to do to calm down the other. He suddenly remembered that Hyunseung had an appointment for a job earlier this day. Maybe he was mad at him because he didn’t called and asked about it. Maybe he was thinking he didn’t care and was hurt.
‘I forgot’ Junhyung started. ‘I’m sorry I forgot to call. How was your appointment ? Did... Did you get the job?’ he asked, afraid of looking him in the eyes. He looked at him again and he noticed he was gesturing frenetically his hands.
I don’t care about the job!
Junhyung was really concerned and took a step closer. As he did, Hyunseung stepped back with a grin, a painful grin on his lips. He didn’t need Junhyung to remind him he was a failure. He just wanted to know if he was playing with him.
I’m pathetic right? That’s why you stay. Admit it!
His hands were shaking so hard, moving so fast, Junhyung had some difficulties to get the whole sentence.
‘Baby, you need to calm down I don’t even manage to understand you’ he said looking worried.
Hyunseung closed his eyes, tilting his head towards the ceiling. When he looked down at Junhyung again, his look was even more fierce. He walked to the kitchen counter, where the phone laid. He looked at Junhyung.
Don’t pretend you don’t know.
With that he pressed the play button on the answering machine and waited.
« Junhyung ah... It’s me, Hyunha. I know I probably shouldn’t be calling you but I have to say... I miss you. I really want to meet you so please call me back. Please. »
The message played again and Junhyung’s eyes widdened. It couldn’t be this. Not again.
‘Seungie, that can’t be that again’ he started and Hyunseung glared at him.
So it’s my fault?
All his body was shaking, he was about to explode. His day really sucked! And now he had to deal with his boyfriend blaming HIM for being upset about HIS own former girlfriend’s call.
‘I didn’t ask her to call! I don’t care about her anymore I thought you knew it already!’ Junhyung said, it was almost a yell.
But she did! She always does! What don’t you go back to her then ?
He barely realized what he just suggested. Junhyung was frozen. He was really hurt. He released his anger as well.
‘That’s what you want ?’ He souted.
Do whatever you want! I don’t want your pity anymore!
‘Pity? What about pity?’ he was still yelling.
Hyunseung was about to respond but Junhyung walked closer, screaming.
‘Are you so afraid that you need to destroy everything ?’
This is not about me.
Hyunseung’s cheeks were deep red. He didn’t dare to look at Junhyung anymore.
‘It’s all about you!’ Junhyung had stopped in his track, realizing that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go too close around the other. ‘It always had and always will !’
So you don’t mind ? Everything is perfect in Yong Junhyung’s life?
‘What do you want me to say Hyunseung ?!’ Junhyung was totally loosing his mind.
That it sucks.
Junhyung looked at him. The older man was breathing heavily. He was really mad at him. Maybe it wasn’t at him. He was mad at the world, at himself. He had always been.
‘That our life sucks ?’ Junhyung asked.
Yes.
‘And what if I don’t agree?’
You don’t ?
‘For God’s sake Seung! What do you hate so much about our life ?!’
It’s too quiet.
Junhyung felt as if the other had slapped him. He was about to say something but Hyunseung went on.
I dare you to tell me you don’t feel the same.
I cannot answer to the phone unless you put the visio on.
I cannot laugh no matter how funny your jokes are.
‘But I don’t care! I knew it in the first place and I didn’t run away!’ Junhyung screamed. He couldn’t believe that Hyunseung didn’t trust him. He thought it was just pity. He didn’t trust his love anymore.
But you didn’t expect this would be so silent! Right?
‘I don’t even understand...’
You don’t feel anything when I can’t tell you I love you ? You don’t feel anything when I can’t scream your name in bed ? You don’t ?
‘It’s not a big deal!’
Not a big deal ?!
Hyunseung was walking through the room, his anger didn’t allow him to stay still. He was now behind the kitchen’s counter and was furious. Not a big deal ? He grabbed a plate and throw it at Junhyung’s feet. It broke loudly on the floor. His hands were still shaking with anger but Junhyung managed to decipher.
Not a big deal ? I can’t even yell at you when you’re here screaming !
He threw another plate with more strength. It made a louder noise as it crashed on the floor. Junhyung’s eyes grew wider.
‘Hyunseung! Stop it!’
Three other items threw in the air and crashed around his feet. Hyunseung’s face was now covered with tears but he felt contented by all the noise he managed to make. Before he realized it, Junhyung was crying too. He couldn’t even understand how they got there. In a fight. A violent fight. He never thought they would be some of those couple who throw plates at one another.
‘What do you want ? Just say something!’ Junhyung begged between his sobs. All his anger had left. He was here standing, crying, looking at his boyfriend who was going crazy and couldn’t stop from smashing plates on the floor.
I need to be something on my own. I need to exist.
And with that he turned his back on his lover and stepped outside. He needed to go away. To calm down. To think on his own. He was nothing in this life, he had to figure out how he could go on with that. As he was about to close the door he heard him.
‘You are...’ Junhyung’s voice broke. ‘everything to me’ it was merely a whisper.
The door closed loudly and Junhyung collapsed on the floor.
It took a while before he managed to get back to reality. But the reality he saw crashed him even more. He was all alone in their tiny flat and Hyunseung had just left him. He couldn’t be sure he was coming back and he was freaking the hell about it. All he could do was cleaning up the mess so he did. Slowly, he picked up every little bit of shattered plates on the floor.
Meanwhile, Hyunseung was walking, merely running. When he finally reached his destination he paused for a while, chest heaving. He stepped inside the building and headed towards the dancing room where he used to practice. He blessed the city for giving him such facilities and for free. He connected his i-pod to the music player and smiled to himself. He always had his i-pod in his pocket and it was revealing itself useful. He started to move slowly along with the music. He danced his anger out and finally found himself thinking.
He used to have a voice. His own voice. But he barely remembered how it sounded. He was so angry about everything. He remembered a time when he was chasing his dream. All he wanted was to debut in the music industry. All he wanted was to sing and dance because he lived for it. But all his hopes were crushed down when he got sick. He never understood how he got that stupid infection but he did. And then he ended up in the hospital. When he woke up, doctors told him he underwent surgery that turned out badly. He would never talk again. Not a sound. For some time he remained a back dancer in the compagny. Even if he wouldn’t be able to sing again he was an amazingly good dancer and they never asked him to leave. However, one day he quit. It was too much. He couldn’t bear to be that close to his dream, knowing he’d never reach it. Then, he thought about all the jobs he had. None of them was really interesting and he never kept one for a long time. As he was still dancing a bitter smile appeared on his lips. Irony. Irony was that Junhyung belonged to the industry he chose to leave. Once he was a trainee as well, willing to debut, willing to reach the stars but at some point, right after they met, Junhyung realized that it would take control over his whole life and he got scared, he stepped back. Instead he was writing songs for thoose who actually reached the top. Suddenly, Hyunseung stopped moving as realization strucked him.
Oh no. He didn’t...
He picked up his belongings and ran home as fast as he could. There was no anger left inside him. No. He just felt a bitter guilt. He stepped in the dark room. Everything was quiet. He noticed that Junhyung had cleaned all the mess he was responsible for and felt even more guitly about the whole thing. Carefully, he made his way towards the bedroom. He opened the door and headed into the same darkness. Only a tiny ray of light from the street lamp had made its way through the curtains. He hold his breath listening. Was Junhyung asleep? But then he noticed a slight, distant... sob?
He walked to the bed and kneeled in front of his lover. Junhyung’s face was covered with the blanket that was slightly shaking along with his sobs. Hyunseung’s heart sank. He slowly drew his hand above the blanket and pulled it down, discovering the other’s face. Junhyund fell silent but his breath was still disturbed by his previous condition. He looked up at the older male, face covered with tears. Hyunseung wanted to say a lot of things. That he was sorry. That he knew how the other loved him and that he was sorry for not trusting him enough when he should have. But he couldn’t. The room was so dark that he didn’t even try to move his hands. He knew Junhyung wouldn’t see a thing. So he did the only thing he could do.
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the younger male. His hold growing tighter and tighter around his lover. Junhyung couldn’t help but cry again as Hyunseung kissed his head, his forehead, his cheeks, every little part of him he could reach.
They stayed still for a while until Junhyung stopped crying. They broke apart only for Hyunseung to climb on the bed. He settled in his usual spot and pulled Junhyung’s head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around Hyunseung’s waist as the other stoke lightly his hair.
Everything was silent but Hyunseung didn’t care anymore. He had finally understood that they didn’t need words.
All was about being together.