Hope Floats
i am really tired and should probably go to bed but i just felt like posting in here. life has not gotten any less complicated since i last posted but at least today i'm not crying my eyes out. i hate when i get like that. down on myself. and when it comes, it just hits me liike a ton of bricks and it paralyzes me. it makes me doubt things i know to be true. and it makes me feel sorry for myself. and for me, its just a dangerous state of mind to be in. i also have a hard time expressing my pain to people because i feel like when i try to talk about what's eating me, i come off sounding completely psychotic, even though i'm convinced that my emotional...."outbursts" are actually relatively normal. or maybe that's just wishful thinking??? who knows. but i know one thing, i. am. not. crazy. am i???
anyways. i am feeling good this week. busy. tired. but nonetheless good. me and the boy still have come to little or no resolutions and if anything we had a setback this weekend which was all my fault due to my poor judgement. but what's done is done and all i can do now is try and move forward. that boy has no idea how i feel about him. and how i wanted to build all this stuff with him. he made me believe...and sometimes i wish he hadn't. no, i don't think he was my last chance at love or happiness (i'm not THAT mellow dramatic) but i do think i invested a lot of myself and maybe i made a poor investment. i secretly or not so secretly fantasized about him being my one. about him coming to kansas and meetng thomas & fannette. about a life outside of nc state. and maybe those things can and will still happen...but for right now our future as an "us" is very uncertain. all i can do is pray for myself. and my state of mind. and my spirit. and i also pray for him. that life bring him all the opportunities and happiness he deserves. even if i am not neccessarily apart of it. isn't that very big of me? i think so.
instead of dwelling on the unceratin things, i am going to proclaim the "certainties" in my life. i am a good person. i am a beautiful person. i am an intelligent person. i will graduate in may 2008. i am going to a fabulous law school in fall 2008. i will pursue my professional and personal future with all the hope and optimism i can muster. i will do these things because i have to...to survive. but also because i want to. these "certainties" are essential to me living my best life. and i will settle for nothing less than the best for myself.
anyways. i am feeling good this week. busy. tired. but nonetheless good. me and the boy still have come to little or no resolutions and if anything we had a setback this weekend which was all my fault due to my poor judgement. but what's done is done and all i can do now is try and move forward. that boy has no idea how i feel about him. and how i wanted to build all this stuff with him. he made me believe...and sometimes i wish he hadn't. no, i don't think he was my last chance at love or happiness (i'm not THAT mellow dramatic) but i do think i invested a lot of myself and maybe i made a poor investment. i secretly or not so secretly fantasized about him being my one. about him coming to kansas and meetng thomas & fannette. about a life outside of nc state. and maybe those things can and will still happen...but for right now our future as an "us" is very uncertain. all i can do is pray for myself. and my state of mind. and my spirit. and i also pray for him. that life bring him all the opportunities and happiness he deserves. even if i am not neccessarily apart of it. isn't that very big of me? i think so.
instead of dwelling on the unceratin things, i am going to proclaim the "certainties" in my life. i am a good person. i am a beautiful person. i am an intelligent person. i will graduate in may 2008. i am going to a fabulous law school in fall 2008. i will pursue my professional and personal future with all the hope and optimism i can muster. i will do these things because i have to...to survive. but also because i want to. these "certainties" are essential to me living my best life. and i will settle for nothing less than the best for myself.