back to cool
Hello my secret web log, that no one reads anymore.
"two thousand six
is the year to be hip"
that's the start of my new hit rap song I've been writing
so a little operation letting go update. I thought I was done, but I realized that I’m not. I thought, “hey I'll just let go, and things will be back to cool,” but no, I had to let go, then exert a great amount of effort to deal with emotional damage I had no idea existed.
It goes something like this.
-I desperately want to connect with people my entire life
-unfortunately I am locked up with all this fear that I don't know I have
-because I disguise it by being passive aggressive and "funny"
I quote Jamon McElrath, "Marla, you have this real flippant attitude that dismisses any chance of intimacy" or something like that
-Then everything I went through LAST year.
-Finally it's august 24th I'm headed back out west for another stab at whatever it was I was trying to accomplish and for the first time in my life, I know exactly who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, all the pieces were right where they should be and I suddenly wasn't scared anymore and I knew I had something to offer, and I was ready, all I needed was the right guy.
-unfortunately for me, I found the wrong one. haha- shoot.
-here is the problem. so finally after all this time, I just throw myself into it, and it's the best thing that ever happen to me, in so many ways. And then one day it was just over. Just like that, no warning, no red flag, no ominous signs, the end just showed up so unexpectedly.
-k so it's over, out of nowhere, and i'm left with that bastard of a question why? and I can come up with a million different scenerios and excuses and reasons, but the one that just won't go away and always seems to fit is, I put myself out there and I got rejected, that sucks, but for the first time I can honestly say I got rejected b/c before then, I'd never actually put myself out there to be rejected. And it happens to everyone right? Right. so ok, not bitter, I'm not so special that I get to avoid human experience right? right.
- but why?? The two thoughts that have been plauging my meditation lately are either
A. Girls like me are a dime a dozen
or
B. I'm ugly
I don't regret our friendship though because I learned a lot of cool new dance moves, and other stuff too.
But I'm slowly wayfinding.
which is the act of finding your way. I just have to get reconciled to my passion and my peace, and then you just wait.
"two thousand six
is the year to be hip"
that's the start of my new hit rap song I've been writing
so a little operation letting go update. I thought I was done, but I realized that I’m not. I thought, “hey I'll just let go, and things will be back to cool,” but no, I had to let go, then exert a great amount of effort to deal with emotional damage I had no idea existed.
It goes something like this.
-I desperately want to connect with people my entire life
-unfortunately I am locked up with all this fear that I don't know I have
-because I disguise it by being passive aggressive and "funny"
I quote Jamon McElrath, "Marla, you have this real flippant attitude that dismisses any chance of intimacy" or something like that
-Then everything I went through LAST year.
-Finally it's august 24th I'm headed back out west for another stab at whatever it was I was trying to accomplish and for the first time in my life, I know exactly who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, all the pieces were right where they should be and I suddenly wasn't scared anymore and I knew I had something to offer, and I was ready, all I needed was the right guy.
-unfortunately for me, I found the wrong one. haha- shoot.
-here is the problem. so finally after all this time, I just throw myself into it, and it's the best thing that ever happen to me, in so many ways. And then one day it was just over. Just like that, no warning, no red flag, no ominous signs, the end just showed up so unexpectedly.
-k so it's over, out of nowhere, and i'm left with that bastard of a question why? and I can come up with a million different scenerios and excuses and reasons, but the one that just won't go away and always seems to fit is, I put myself out there and I got rejected, that sucks, but for the first time I can honestly say I got rejected b/c before then, I'd never actually put myself out there to be rejected. And it happens to everyone right? Right. so ok, not bitter, I'm not so special that I get to avoid human experience right? right.
- but why?? The two thoughts that have been plauging my meditation lately are either
A. Girls like me are a dime a dozen
or
B. I'm ugly
I don't regret our friendship though because I learned a lot of cool new dance moves, and other stuff too.
But I'm slowly wayfinding.
which is the act of finding your way. I just have to get reconciled to my passion and my peace, and then you just wait.