(no subject)
I'm having a hard time. I'm hAVING A HARD TIME. im always alone. okay no im really not. i just never touch base with my own mind in a private way anymore. im never alone with my own thoughts. im always looking at shit, taking in information. reblogging quotes.
i tried meditation todAY. I REALLY liked it. it felt good. me and stephen are fighting over facebook. whenever i dont like something i just say FUCK YOU. somehow, im not really bothered by that. ive become more selfish lately. i feel like i deserve that though. i deserve a little pampering. i worry about everyone else all the time and put everybody before myself....in search of their approval. well honestly why the hell do i care? fuck other peoples' approval. im me and that is all i need to know. i have just lost me lately. ive been drowning in worries about homework i have to do, cleaning i have to do, tests i have to take....i just wallow in worry to the point that i cant move and take care of the things that are worrying me. im just paralyzed by them.
listening to the ambient channel on pandora....hungry as fuck. dieting. i am dying to be super skinny. ive been killing myself at the gym lately. im goin there after i finish this writing. i feel like my life and mind are cluttered. i need to get rid of some of the shit thats bringing me down. i need to learn to focus. im constantly worrying, therefore constantly stressing, which means im constantly in fight-or-flight mode. bad for my health. health is everything. the gym helps though, and meditation will too.
when im falling apart i wish stephen would just catch me, instead of patronizing me. sometimes i just want to collapse and have him rock me and shush my worries. take me into his arms and save me from myself.
im making no sense. i dont care though. i just need to word vomit.
stephen doesnt get me. heartbreak. help.
ill just go work out. work out, work the stress off. get skinny. be pretty. fuck what anyone else thinks. i live my life for ME.
i tried meditation todAY. I REALLY liked it. it felt good. me and stephen are fighting over facebook. whenever i dont like something i just say FUCK YOU. somehow, im not really bothered by that. ive become more selfish lately. i feel like i deserve that though. i deserve a little pampering. i worry about everyone else all the time and put everybody before myself....in search of their approval. well honestly why the hell do i care? fuck other peoples' approval. im me and that is all i need to know. i have just lost me lately. ive been drowning in worries about homework i have to do, cleaning i have to do, tests i have to take....i just wallow in worry to the point that i cant move and take care of the things that are worrying me. im just paralyzed by them.
listening to the ambient channel on pandora....hungry as fuck. dieting. i am dying to be super skinny. ive been killing myself at the gym lately. im goin there after i finish this writing. i feel like my life and mind are cluttered. i need to get rid of some of the shit thats bringing me down. i need to learn to focus. im constantly worrying, therefore constantly stressing, which means im constantly in fight-or-flight mode. bad for my health. health is everything. the gym helps though, and meditation will too.
when im falling apart i wish stephen would just catch me, instead of patronizing me. sometimes i just want to collapse and have him rock me and shush my worries. take me into his arms and save me from myself.
im making no sense. i dont care though. i just need to word vomit.
stephen doesnt get me. heartbreak. help.
ill just go work out. work out, work the stress off. get skinny. be pretty. fuck what anyone else thinks. i live my life for ME.