news
I haven't written in a very long time. The last month has been interesting. i always wonder where rock bottom is, but I seem to reinvent it all the time.
Well, I almost hit rock bottom. Amie and Tatro wouldn't talk to me. But, ironically that weekend I started hanging out with Amie's cousin Steve. He's my boyfriend now. He's...amazing.
I am so lucky to have found someone that treats me good. It's such a breath of fresh air. And, I trust him. It's almost unbelievable. It's weird being in love again though. Love is weird.
I still am not a hundred percent comfortable around him. I haven't even farted in front of him yet haha. Him and his ex broke up only like 2 months ago. I think he still loves her, partially. That's okay. I'll help heal his broken heart. I don't think he would hurt me, so I'll just do what I can to make him happy.
I'm very happy as well.
I decided yesterday to quit smoking cigarettes once and for all. And I'm also becoming a vegetarian...well mostly vegetarian anyway. My Anatomy and Physiology teacher is freaking me out. I want to live a long and healthy life. I am only buying food from organic stores now. Lucius deserves a good start to his life.
He is getting so big.
I don't know why, but for the first time in weeks I feel like crying right now and I don't know why.
I'm listening to Death Cab For Cutie...that could be one reason. There's a lot of feelings and memories that certain songs evoke.
I don't miss anything from my past. Everything is something to learn from, and never regret.
I think this nicotine withdrawal is what is making me emotional...I noticed myself getting angry today...that hasn't happened in a while.
I can't remember the last time I cried. That could be either a very good thing or a very bad thing. I've always been a crier. If I can't cry, does it mean I'm not truly feeling?
The fact that I haven't journaled in weeks is further evidence that I may have felt okay, but I don't know truly how I've been doing. I've not missed counseling once. No matter how sane I feel and happy, I know deep down I'm crazy.
But, I feel like it's just because I always have so many thoughts buzzing through my head. I have things I want to give to the world.
Tomorrow is Amie's birthday. i'm hosting a cookout for her. I like to see my friends happy. I feel good when I go out of my way to do things for people. Well, I mean anyone feels good when they do things for others...that's just basic psychology.
Wow it feels so fucking good to write right now.
I'm sipping on a glass of red wine...trying not to cry.
I don't know why the fuck I want to cry.
I think the last time I did was when I watched Breakfast At Tiffany's.
I didn't know what a wonderful movie it was going to be.
I still haven't written my Plath essay. It's like a month late, I'm already into the second week of the summer semester. I don't know what to do. I can do it, I know. I just need to get my head on a little better. I wish I could cry right now.
I wish I could cry to Steve...but...i'd probably freak him out. No one likes to see people cry.
It's okay. I'll watch a sad movie or write a sad story. Or read one. I need inspiration. I need to go do something.
I haven't been to the gym in weeks. oh and I'm quitting drinking....heavily. maybe. I don't know, god I can feel the tears pooling under my eyes...but they won't rise and then fall. I harden when i feel them. If I make myself stone, I won't fall apart.
Why always the falling apart? Why always the waiting sadness?
Probably because I haven't taken my medication. Or because I have more feelings than other people. Do other people even think or feel anymore?
I love my mother. I am realizing this more and more. She drives me absolutely crazy...but she is my mother. As much as I love her, I can't wait for her to die. I can't wait to trade this misery for a different kind of misery. At least the new form of misery comes with a process in which it slowly fades to contentedness. Right now, I am dealing with a nagging perpetual misery that always threatens to overcome me. But I'm so strong, that I ignore it. I laugh it off. I laugh everything off. Everything is funny. but if that is true, then is everything just truly miserable?
What the fuck do I want? Everything.
How can I get it? I can't. The world isn't meant to be conquered...or perhaps even known. It is meant to be explored. Knowledge is meant to be absorbed into every pore of every living human that inhabits this earth. But it isn't. We are all just so stupid. And so doomed. It's sad. But there aren't even enough people on this earth o soak up all the knowledge there is to be known. But wouldn't it be amazing to be a part of that?
I know that I am a good person. I know that I am strong and independent for the most part. I know I can take care of myself. But sometimes...my shell cracks, and the little girl inside leaks out. She is fragile, and broken, and scared.
Sometimes I have flashbacks. I don't like being called a bitch. I don't like being called stupid, or selfish. I don't like being lied to.
Worst of all, I don't like this cloud of mistrust I sometimes carry with me. When I don't want it to, it starts to rain on me, and I become suspicious. I doubt myself constantly. That's another part of it. Right now I wish someone would just jump inside my mind and pull me out!!
I laid down to go to sleep, and told Steve i was gonna sleep until he got here. I woke up at 9:30 and he still wasn't here. I can trust him, and I knew he'd still be coming, but for some reason, I was really sad. It was just farmiliar of all those nights that Anthony told me he'd be coming home. I waited and waited and waited, my heart aching, my stomach turning, and tears of anguish and pain unstoppable.
It's crazy how miserable one person can make you. How much damage they can do....i've been so unsure of myself for so long. I hope it's not always this way. I am constantly questioning myself and the things I do. Why am I always lost?
These last few weeks with Steve, though, have given me more direction. I really am very happy....I can't see things going wrong. Every journal entry I write is jumbled and has no sense of direction. I feel trapped inside myself. The thing is, I bet Steve would let me open up to him...but I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid to be rejected. So many times I cried, and was made fun of for it, hit for it....left to do it alone. I just am afraid to do it in front of anyone. But of course there is that longing to be held in the arms of the one who loves you while you spill your heart to them....
I don't even know. I'm a war of head verses heart, it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks before I know what it will say.
I don't understand how I have all these friends--who i truly love with all my heart-- and a great family. And a great boyfriend, and wonderful son. But...there is always a longing.
I think I need to just see the world. Or at least....write some poetry. haha. either or.
I am so complicated. Nothing is ever simple with me.
But actually, me and Steve together, things are simple. I'm happy. He makes me laugh, he's nice to me. And I want to do nice things for him. It's crazy....a NORMAL relationship!
I'm drinking a glass of wine. Red wine. Divine.
I am dying for a cigarette. But I WON'T smoke one. For Lucius, for my long life. For proof to myself that i have self-control and initiative. For proof that i can do something on my own...even though I've proven that to myself a million times over. I still always feel somewhat helpless. Why is that? Everyone craves a little something more.
Death Cab is soooo doin it for me right now.
I want to write a poem. But I don't have the intellect right now. I need more inspiration. I need to go away by myself. for at least like a week. i wish that was possible. I wish things weren't always so complicated....But I guess i asked for it when i signed up to have a baby.
He is so fucking smart. it's crazy. He's talking so much. He's so beautiful. I bought him a potty a couple weeks ago. He'll be two in August. I just can't fathom how big he is. I can't believe my baby is almost not a baby anymore. I hope I'm as good a mom as people tell me I am. Because often times I feel inadequate. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, or I'm doing something wrong, and he'll turn out wrong. But, he is such a good boy, and he seems well-rounded. I never thought i'd have so much to worry about. There's just so many times when I feel like i'm a bad mother. That's the main reason i'm quitting smoking. God I want a cigarette SOOOOO BAD.
I need to think about something else. Thinking about cigarettes isn't gonna do anything but make me weaker. I think all the time about how impressed my teachers are with me....every single one.
I am fucking smart. I have all this potential. But I have so many things that i want to do,and then all those things that I have to do on top of the things i want to do. And, it gets in the way of my academic performance, and perhaps in the way of me succeeding as fast as I could. I wish I had never done drugs. I'd be so far ahead right now.
I still haven't drawn anything in three years. I know I could kick some ass with the ideas I get before I fall into sleep. How could one person rob me of so much? I know I should just be over it...but it's the worst thing I've ever been through. It's not like I feel anything for him but hate.
I just...was robbed of happiness for three years. It's not fair.
But hey! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to stop writing now...
Death Cab For Cutie writes the most beautiful lyrics ever. It's poetry in motion.
That is all!
Well, I almost hit rock bottom. Amie and Tatro wouldn't talk to me. But, ironically that weekend I started hanging out with Amie's cousin Steve. He's my boyfriend now. He's...amazing.
I am so lucky to have found someone that treats me good. It's such a breath of fresh air. And, I trust him. It's almost unbelievable. It's weird being in love again though. Love is weird.
I still am not a hundred percent comfortable around him. I haven't even farted in front of him yet haha. Him and his ex broke up only like 2 months ago. I think he still loves her, partially. That's okay. I'll help heal his broken heart. I don't think he would hurt me, so I'll just do what I can to make him happy.
I'm very happy as well.
I decided yesterday to quit smoking cigarettes once and for all. And I'm also becoming a vegetarian...well mostly vegetarian anyway. My Anatomy and Physiology teacher is freaking me out. I want to live a long and healthy life. I am only buying food from organic stores now. Lucius deserves a good start to his life.
He is getting so big.
I don't know why, but for the first time in weeks I feel like crying right now and I don't know why.
I'm listening to Death Cab For Cutie...that could be one reason. There's a lot of feelings and memories that certain songs evoke.
I don't miss anything from my past. Everything is something to learn from, and never regret.
I think this nicotine withdrawal is what is making me emotional...I noticed myself getting angry today...that hasn't happened in a while.
I can't remember the last time I cried. That could be either a very good thing or a very bad thing. I've always been a crier. If I can't cry, does it mean I'm not truly feeling?
The fact that I haven't journaled in weeks is further evidence that I may have felt okay, but I don't know truly how I've been doing. I've not missed counseling once. No matter how sane I feel and happy, I know deep down I'm crazy.
But, I feel like it's just because I always have so many thoughts buzzing through my head. I have things I want to give to the world.
Tomorrow is Amie's birthday. i'm hosting a cookout for her. I like to see my friends happy. I feel good when I go out of my way to do things for people. Well, I mean anyone feels good when they do things for others...that's just basic psychology.
Wow it feels so fucking good to write right now.
I'm sipping on a glass of red wine...trying not to cry.
I don't know why the fuck I want to cry.
I think the last time I did was when I watched Breakfast At Tiffany's.
I didn't know what a wonderful movie it was going to be.
I still haven't written my Plath essay. It's like a month late, I'm already into the second week of the summer semester. I don't know what to do. I can do it, I know. I just need to get my head on a little better. I wish I could cry right now.
I wish I could cry to Steve...but...i'd probably freak him out. No one likes to see people cry.
It's okay. I'll watch a sad movie or write a sad story. Or read one. I need inspiration. I need to go do something.
I haven't been to the gym in weeks. oh and I'm quitting drinking....heavily. maybe. I don't know, god I can feel the tears pooling under my eyes...but they won't rise and then fall. I harden when i feel them. If I make myself stone, I won't fall apart.
Why always the falling apart? Why always the waiting sadness?
Probably because I haven't taken my medication. Or because I have more feelings than other people. Do other people even think or feel anymore?
I love my mother. I am realizing this more and more. She drives me absolutely crazy...but she is my mother. As much as I love her, I can't wait for her to die. I can't wait to trade this misery for a different kind of misery. At least the new form of misery comes with a process in which it slowly fades to contentedness. Right now, I am dealing with a nagging perpetual misery that always threatens to overcome me. But I'm so strong, that I ignore it. I laugh it off. I laugh everything off. Everything is funny. but if that is true, then is everything just truly miserable?
What the fuck do I want? Everything.
How can I get it? I can't. The world isn't meant to be conquered...or perhaps even known. It is meant to be explored. Knowledge is meant to be absorbed into every pore of every living human that inhabits this earth. But it isn't. We are all just so stupid. And so doomed. It's sad. But there aren't even enough people on this earth o soak up all the knowledge there is to be known. But wouldn't it be amazing to be a part of that?
I know that I am a good person. I know that I am strong and independent for the most part. I know I can take care of myself. But sometimes...my shell cracks, and the little girl inside leaks out. She is fragile, and broken, and scared.
Sometimes I have flashbacks. I don't like being called a bitch. I don't like being called stupid, or selfish. I don't like being lied to.
Worst of all, I don't like this cloud of mistrust I sometimes carry with me. When I don't want it to, it starts to rain on me, and I become suspicious. I doubt myself constantly. That's another part of it. Right now I wish someone would just jump inside my mind and pull me out!!
I laid down to go to sleep, and told Steve i was gonna sleep until he got here. I woke up at 9:30 and he still wasn't here. I can trust him, and I knew he'd still be coming, but for some reason, I was really sad. It was just farmiliar of all those nights that Anthony told me he'd be coming home. I waited and waited and waited, my heart aching, my stomach turning, and tears of anguish and pain unstoppable.
It's crazy how miserable one person can make you. How much damage they can do....i've been so unsure of myself for so long. I hope it's not always this way. I am constantly questioning myself and the things I do. Why am I always lost?
These last few weeks with Steve, though, have given me more direction. I really am very happy....I can't see things going wrong. Every journal entry I write is jumbled and has no sense of direction. I feel trapped inside myself. The thing is, I bet Steve would let me open up to him...but I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid to be rejected. So many times I cried, and was made fun of for it, hit for it....left to do it alone. I just am afraid to do it in front of anyone. But of course there is that longing to be held in the arms of the one who loves you while you spill your heart to them....
I don't even know. I'm a war of head verses heart, it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks before I know what it will say.
I don't understand how I have all these friends--who i truly love with all my heart-- and a great family. And a great boyfriend, and wonderful son. But...there is always a longing.
I think I need to just see the world. Or at least....write some poetry. haha. either or.
I am so complicated. Nothing is ever simple with me.
But actually, me and Steve together, things are simple. I'm happy. He makes me laugh, he's nice to me. And I want to do nice things for him. It's crazy....a NORMAL relationship!
I'm drinking a glass of wine. Red wine. Divine.
I am dying for a cigarette. But I WON'T smoke one. For Lucius, for my long life. For proof to myself that i have self-control and initiative. For proof that i can do something on my own...even though I've proven that to myself a million times over. I still always feel somewhat helpless. Why is that? Everyone craves a little something more.
Death Cab is soooo doin it for me right now.
I want to write a poem. But I don't have the intellect right now. I need more inspiration. I need to go away by myself. for at least like a week. i wish that was possible. I wish things weren't always so complicated....But I guess i asked for it when i signed up to have a baby.
He is so fucking smart. it's crazy. He's talking so much. He's so beautiful. I bought him a potty a couple weeks ago. He'll be two in August. I just can't fathom how big he is. I can't believe my baby is almost not a baby anymore. I hope I'm as good a mom as people tell me I am. Because often times I feel inadequate. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, or I'm doing something wrong, and he'll turn out wrong. But, he is such a good boy, and he seems well-rounded. I never thought i'd have so much to worry about. There's just so many times when I feel like i'm a bad mother. That's the main reason i'm quitting smoking. God I want a cigarette SOOOOO BAD.
I need to think about something else. Thinking about cigarettes isn't gonna do anything but make me weaker. I think all the time about how impressed my teachers are with me....every single one.
I am fucking smart. I have all this potential. But I have so many things that i want to do,and then all those things that I have to do on top of the things i want to do. And, it gets in the way of my academic performance, and perhaps in the way of me succeeding as fast as I could. I wish I had never done drugs. I'd be so far ahead right now.
I still haven't drawn anything in three years. I know I could kick some ass with the ideas I get before I fall into sleep. How could one person rob me of so much? I know I should just be over it...but it's the worst thing I've ever been through. It's not like I feel anything for him but hate.
I just...was robbed of happiness for three years. It's not fair.
But hey! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to stop writing now...
Death Cab For Cutie writes the most beautiful lyrics ever. It's poetry in motion.
That is all!