(no subject)
so today marks three years since jean passed away.
before i was talking to dom telling him about jean and about wading river and sarah and everyone and i was at work so ididnt want to get upset, so i told him that now that its been three years im kinda used to this feeling that comes every year, where it feels like theres just something huge missing from the world, some bright light like the sun goes out for this one day and there is no happiness in anything.
i mena jeans death, in a sense, was the death of our childhoods. nothing has ever been the same since. im not complaining, we've been having so much fun, and me and sarah, if possible, have gotten a lot closer since then. but there havent been the easy summer days that were innocent. wading river lost the safeness and security it once had. i mean, its still my refuge, its still the place i go to clear my head and get away from things, and to find myself again. its still the place where i feel the most whole, and i still cherish the people there more than anyone else in the world. sarah is still my closest friend, i still love her unconditionally and consider her my closest friend above all else. but the feeling is different.
ugh its so hard to explain. its like, you know that feeling you have towards your parents? where everything is going to be okay just because they're close, and you respect them, their word is final?
do you know what its like to lose that?
and its like, yeah i have my mom but jean's word was always it for me. and it was the same with my mom. it was as if jean was the parental unit for both me and my mom. and my best friend. all my best friends. everyone respected her. everyone loved her.
and we all lost her. we all lost the best and most genuine person any of us will ever know.
im so glad i had the privilege of knowing her. sometimes i really just wish she were here so i could talk to her.
i know what she would say about everything going on now, hahaha i can hear her in my head i can still hear her voice crystal clear like it was yesterday
she would tell me not to let those bitches bring me down and that im better than any of them. "my jillian" she would say in that way only she could.
theres just this hole in me thats burning today.
and its going to burn tomorrow, being fathers day.
and thats why its absolutely necessary that i go to wading river tomorrow to be with my family
and why im going to ronys house tonight after being there last night too (and why the two of us are going back to wading river monday night)
im going to feel empty tomorrow
but i dont want to feel empty alone.
before i was talking to dom telling him about jean and about wading river and sarah and everyone and i was at work so ididnt want to get upset, so i told him that now that its been three years im kinda used to this feeling that comes every year, where it feels like theres just something huge missing from the world, some bright light like the sun goes out for this one day and there is no happiness in anything.
i mena jeans death, in a sense, was the death of our childhoods. nothing has ever been the same since. im not complaining, we've been having so much fun, and me and sarah, if possible, have gotten a lot closer since then. but there havent been the easy summer days that were innocent. wading river lost the safeness and security it once had. i mean, its still my refuge, its still the place i go to clear my head and get away from things, and to find myself again. its still the place where i feel the most whole, and i still cherish the people there more than anyone else in the world. sarah is still my closest friend, i still love her unconditionally and consider her my closest friend above all else. but the feeling is different.
ugh its so hard to explain. its like, you know that feeling you have towards your parents? where everything is going to be okay just because they're close, and you respect them, their word is final?
do you know what its like to lose that?
and its like, yeah i have my mom but jean's word was always it for me. and it was the same with my mom. it was as if jean was the parental unit for both me and my mom. and my best friend. all my best friends. everyone respected her. everyone loved her.
and we all lost her. we all lost the best and most genuine person any of us will ever know.
im so glad i had the privilege of knowing her. sometimes i really just wish she were here so i could talk to her.
i know what she would say about everything going on now, hahaha i can hear her in my head i can still hear her voice crystal clear like it was yesterday
she would tell me not to let those bitches bring me down and that im better than any of them. "my jillian" she would say in that way only she could.
theres just this hole in me thats burning today.
and its going to burn tomorrow, being fathers day.
and thats why its absolutely necessary that i go to wading river tomorrow to be with my family
and why im going to ronys house tonight after being there last night too (and why the two of us are going back to wading river monday night)
im going to feel empty tomorrow
but i dont want to feel empty alone.