(no subject)
When looking forward at the future, I was once nearly bursting at the seams with the anticipation of leaving everything behind, going off (which has always meant "west," as if I'd fall off the earth if I took a step in the opposite direction) on my own without any familiar crutches (material or social), and a very vague or nonexistent plan of where I'd be next. The fear of a standardized life embedded in routine has always left me short-sighted when it came to planning (or lack thereof) my future. I wanted no restraints from experiencing new things, places, and people, and as soon as I had that damn, pitiful diploma in my hand I'd be living it.
Then I happened onto a relationship. One that I didn't end up fleeing from after a few short months when the realization I was being pulled down and restrained by this "ball and chain" set in. I didn't begin experiencing the sudden anxiety and apprehension until several months in, when we started discussing future employment (specifically his, as a soon-to-be graduate). I immediately had doubts realizing that we were no longer going to be living in this microcosm of college life where you don't actually have to start thinking about reality until you're pushed from the nest. I didn't want to be responsible for another being, emotionally-speaking, especially if it were going to weight me down. I knew I would just cause heartache, or receive it, so found the thought of ending things now -- before they got too serious or laden with too many expectations -- to be the most logical decision.
I noticeably withdrew myself from him, becoming more distant, less responsive, harder to penetrate (literally, too!). At least I think it was noticeable, as I slightly hoped. I wanted him to notice the incompatibility, realize things were just not working out, and have him make the decision to cut the cord. I nearly did it myself one night, but cried myself to sleep instead.
I didn't believe I was committed enough, and didn't want his life or emotional well-being to be tarnished when I selfishly realized a couple months down the road, after he had adapted his life to continue one with me, I wanted to cut that ball and chain. I was constantly being followed by this anxiety and twinge of depression. I felt so selfish, yet also honest with myself.
Within a day, without notice and with no internal debate, I was free from those negative thoughts. I suddenly stopped being logically illogical: I stopped trying to be as controlling of the situation, trying to live my life without any restraints or obligations. That's how I always viewed the last beau and I iterated these concerns to him: he was a restraint and obligation. But no longer was Ben a restraint. He was a desire and a goal and a peaceful thought and a rock. He is.
I'm really happy where I am, for once. I'm looking forward to the uncertainty I once anticipated, only with the companionship of a new variable. It's been a while since I've felt this much pure love for a person. It feels right.
Then I happened onto a relationship. One that I didn't end up fleeing from after a few short months when the realization I was being pulled down and restrained by this "ball and chain" set in. I didn't begin experiencing the sudden anxiety and apprehension until several months in, when we started discussing future employment (specifically his, as a soon-to-be graduate). I immediately had doubts realizing that we were no longer going to be living in this microcosm of college life where you don't actually have to start thinking about reality until you're pushed from the nest. I didn't want to be responsible for another being, emotionally-speaking, especially if it were going to weight me down. I knew I would just cause heartache, or receive it, so found the thought of ending things now -- before they got too serious or laden with too many expectations -- to be the most logical decision.
I noticeably withdrew myself from him, becoming more distant, less responsive, harder to penetrate (literally, too!). At least I think it was noticeable, as I slightly hoped. I wanted him to notice the incompatibility, realize things were just not working out, and have him make the decision to cut the cord. I nearly did it myself one night, but cried myself to sleep instead.
I didn't believe I was committed enough, and didn't want his life or emotional well-being to be tarnished when I selfishly realized a couple months down the road, after he had adapted his life to continue one with me, I wanted to cut that ball and chain. I was constantly being followed by this anxiety and twinge of depression. I felt so selfish, yet also honest with myself.
Within a day, without notice and with no internal debate, I was free from those negative thoughts. I suddenly stopped being logically illogical: I stopped trying to be as controlling of the situation, trying to live my life without any restraints or obligations. That's how I always viewed the last beau and I iterated these concerns to him: he was a restraint and obligation. But no longer was Ben a restraint. He was a desire and a goal and a peaceful thought and a rock. He is.
I'm really happy where I am, for once. I'm looking forward to the uncertainty I once anticipated, only with the companionship of a new variable. It's been a while since I've felt this much pure love for a person. It feels right.