nowhere to run
I haven't been this lonely in a long time. Maybe ever.
I have no family. I mean I have them, my parents are alive, yes, but they're acting like two giant babies and I hate them for it. I can't take care of them. I can't save them.
I live in a house with a miserable woman who cries and who just looks back on a wreck all the time. I visit a man who has many regrets, but still doesn't understand, somehow, why everything crashed down around him when he did something so horrible to us. Their pain in unbearable on both sides. And anyway, it's not mine to bear.
I don't want New York. I don't want Kenyon. And I don't really want to go abroad. I don't know where I want to be or what I want to do. I just want to stop hurting.
I'm in Washington now, visiting Pat. It's great because his family is so kind, but it can't help but remind me that I don't have a father I can lean on, or a mother who I can tease. I have two people who are made of glass and it's my job to tiptoe around them, if for no other reason than some self protection.
I'm going back to school in two weeks and I don't want that either. The novelty will wear off quickly and then I'll be right back where I was.
I need to have a person who I can hug, who I can cry in front of and not feel like I'm going to be punished or left or have a grudge held against me. Someone who I can tell about my bad day who's not a therapist who's going to ask me how I'm "handling" this and who is scheduled into my life once a week.
And I'm going to miss Pat. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.
I have no family. I mean I have them, my parents are alive, yes, but they're acting like two giant babies and I hate them for it. I can't take care of them. I can't save them.
I live in a house with a miserable woman who cries and who just looks back on a wreck all the time. I visit a man who has many regrets, but still doesn't understand, somehow, why everything crashed down around him when he did something so horrible to us. Their pain in unbearable on both sides. And anyway, it's not mine to bear.
I don't want New York. I don't want Kenyon. And I don't really want to go abroad. I don't know where I want to be or what I want to do. I just want to stop hurting.
I'm in Washington now, visiting Pat. It's great because his family is so kind, but it can't help but remind me that I don't have a father I can lean on, or a mother who I can tease. I have two people who are made of glass and it's my job to tiptoe around them, if for no other reason than some self protection.
I'm going back to school in two weeks and I don't want that either. The novelty will wear off quickly and then I'll be right back where I was.
I need to have a person who I can hug, who I can cry in front of and not feel like I'm going to be punished or left or have a grudge held against me. Someone who I can tell about my bad day who's not a therapist who's going to ask me how I'm "handling" this and who is scheduled into my life once a week.
And I'm going to miss Pat. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.