A sick feeling
I have just put on 'not enough' by Our Lady peace, and it made me have a sick feeling, brought along by reminsiscing and i will explain why. Our Lady Peace was a band i listened to very much through the summer of last year (2003) and up till about december time. This song was one of my favourites, so this and others bring back memories from that time, happy memories. This was possibly the start of the most contented time in my life, the start of the happiest part of my life. July to december was like the turning of a new leaf for me, a time where i met new friends, friends that i knew were possibly the best i have had. People that respected me for me and people i felt comfortable and happy with, happy times that were to continue for a long time, and still till now. But, but i am a little upset. Upset that those times are no longer the same. Thinking about it i feel like i have strayed away and into a new place, i havnt been quite the same since last June and i have found it hard to pin point just what it might be. In listening to that song, i have re-realised what it was i have been missing and its those old days. Day to day contact, face to face with those that really make me happy. It felt so good to see many of them again a couple of weekends ago and it was just like stepping into your favourite pair of shoes that you havnt worn for a while. Always going to feel good, but you dont quite realise how much you have missed them until you get them on your feet. With that in mind, i feel both bad and guilty for not making more of an effort to see those that have really made me happy over the last year, although time and money have played a large part, i do feel like i should have made a much larger effort.
Which i guess leads me onto something else. That last bit could come under chasing and really fighting for something you feel strongly about or really want. Recently i properly realised that you have got to fight and struggle on for what you really want, it is obvious when you realise it but there is knowing it and there is fully realising it. With that realisation i have also realised that is something i have never really done. I have never really struggled on for something i want, something i believe in strongly or something that i think needs to fought for. Maybe it is fear of failiure, disapointment or that of rejection...either way i think it has to stop. I think for the first time i am actually going to face any fears i have, fear of failiure, rejection and of disapointment. So from now on i think if i want something badly, then i will go for it. Although it is easy to say, so i am under no illusions that it can happen too soon but these are my first steps up the hill.
Which i guess leads me onto something else. That last bit could come under chasing and really fighting for something you feel strongly about or really want. Recently i properly realised that you have got to fight and struggle on for what you really want, it is obvious when you realise it but there is knowing it and there is fully realising it. With that realisation i have also realised that is something i have never really done. I have never really struggled on for something i want, something i believe in strongly or something that i think needs to fought for. Maybe it is fear of failiure, disapointment or that of rejection...either way i think it has to stop. I think for the first time i am actually going to face any fears i have, fear of failiure, rejection and of disapointment. So from now on i think if i want something badly, then i will go for it. Although it is easy to say, so i am under no illusions that it can happen too soon but these are my first steps up the hill.