Yesterday
Couldn't concentrate at all. Then the phones started playing up so just walked out and locked up at about 11.30am and walked down to the seafront, stayed there just watching the tide turn and finally receed. Then picked the kids up from school at 3.15pm and went home. Went to bed immeadiately,
Maxine woke me up at 5pm. We started talking and I said if you forced me to make a decision now it would be "neither". She didn't quite understand what I meant. So explained that at the moment the only real option seemed to be stop loving totally. Just throw myself into work 18 hours a day like I used to, providing enough money to support her and the kids and nothing else. Then told Maxine how I had spent my day and think this is when she realised just how unstable I was becoming. She knew I was going through massive mood-flips almost daily, but I don't think she realised just quite where I was heading.
Maxine herself was almost at the end of her tether and had provisionally booked a room at Rod & Irene's B&B for a few days. Something I had thought of doing for me earlier that day. I almost didn't collect the kids, almost phoned stuart to tell him to do it and was about to go round there to book a room myself. I Can't remember a lot of what Maxine said, but basically I think she realises just how much Sakka means to me. She said did I really want to throw away twelve years. I said at times, yes. If i stop loving, I stop hurting.
Maxine's big problem is the possibility of Sex. If she said yes, sex is ok, then when it happened would she no longer want sex with me. She realises I'm different and I've no worries over who she has sex with and wishes she was the same but this is the thought that haunts her continually.
I said a few days ago that originally Maxine thought Allison was competion, and Maxine agreed that at the time she did think this, but I proved otherwise and she has become a friend of both of us as well as an employee. Maxine agreed to contact sakka, to see if we could re-establish something between us, I said I hoped that she would discover that sakka wasn't a threat. She said she would try as hard as possible, but there was always the possibility of her saying no. Most of all what really worries her is sex
Maxine woke me up at 5pm. We started talking and I said if you forced me to make a decision now it would be "neither". She didn't quite understand what I meant. So explained that at the moment the only real option seemed to be stop loving totally. Just throw myself into work 18 hours a day like I used to, providing enough money to support her and the kids and nothing else. Then told Maxine how I had spent my day and think this is when she realised just how unstable I was becoming. She knew I was going through massive mood-flips almost daily, but I don't think she realised just quite where I was heading.
Maxine herself was almost at the end of her tether and had provisionally booked a room at Rod & Irene's B&B for a few days. Something I had thought of doing for me earlier that day. I almost didn't collect the kids, almost phoned stuart to tell him to do it and was about to go round there to book a room myself. I Can't remember a lot of what Maxine said, but basically I think she realises just how much Sakka means to me. She said did I really want to throw away twelve years. I said at times, yes. If i stop loving, I stop hurting.
Maxine's big problem is the possibility of Sex. If she said yes, sex is ok, then when it happened would she no longer want sex with me. She realises I'm different and I've no worries over who she has sex with and wishes she was the same but this is the thought that haunts her continually.
I said a few days ago that originally Maxine thought Allison was competion, and Maxine agreed that at the time she did think this, but I proved otherwise and she has become a friend of both of us as well as an employee. Maxine agreed to contact sakka, to see if we could re-establish something between us, I said I hoped that she would discover that sakka wasn't a threat. She said she would try as hard as possible, but there was always the possibility of her saying no. Most of all what really worries her is sex