Commiting Social Suicide
Hmmm... my friend Kimmie's 21st birthday is tonight. I'm supposed to be going to Dave & Buster's. I guess I should go to say hello.
It's weird to think about people from years ago, and think about how they've changed. I remember Kim as Sensei Christina's "little sister" that followed her everywhere, and basically wanted to be her. First time I met her, I thought she and Megan were following Eric and I around in Lucky's (now Albertsons). She was always the mouthy one of the group, that always got into it with Eric, and they would punch and kick eachother. She always had something to say, and she was always 'borrowing' money from either Eric or me (although it was usually Eric), and she was there for both my first and second degree black belt promotions, and she was the one that went with Christina to try and run the Yorba Linda Red Dragon studio. Fuck I remember that- Christina was supposed to be the general manager, but she didn't like to teach all that much, and Kimmie was supposed to be her assistant instructor (eventhough she was only 14 or so). I remember the day before Christina and Kim left, there was a party at the studio (as like a going away party), and I gave Kim my sketchbook as a goodbye present. She was always around when I was doodling, and I figured I wouldn't ever see her again. The last two times I saw her was when we went to Haunt (before I worked there) as like a fake date (the only thing I remember from that night was singing in the car). And the last time I saw her was a random occurance about a year and a half ago at the Puente Hills Mall. The last I heard, she was (I'm not going to say it out of respect for her). That was hard to hear. I had this vision of someone from the past that I geuinely cared about (not in a romantic or sexual way, just as a completely honest to god- friend), getting into some pretty bad things. It's weird, because at the time, I hadn't seen her in almost 2 years, and it still really hurt to hear that. At the time, Justin said: "don't tell Mark that, he wants to have the picture in his head of all his students being goodie-two-shoes." At the time I thought he was crazy- I mean, of course I wanted to know how everyone was doing, especially if I hadn't seen them in a while. So I basically forgot about everything, until I started writing this.
Oh my god, I just remembered something- She has my sketchbook. I didn't give it to Caitlin, I gave it to her. I gave it to her that night of the going-away party.
Man, I've pushed away a lot of my past over the years.. I figured it was easier to cut people off than to try and keep ties. I've always been the one to cut my losses and keep running. Fuck. You know, in the process of cutting all the bad parts of life out of my brain, there are a lot of good things that got taken out too. Parts of my life and even friendships got covered up in my selfish quest for 'self-improvement.'
I have to admit, Chris, Justin, and Brian are better at keeping records of their lives than I am. I got so busy trying to fix myself, that I didn't think about anyone else. I'm the person that an old friend will call and ask to hang out, and then I make an excuse because I feel uncomfortable and out of place. It's funny because I'm not out of place at all, I push myself out of place. I try to disconnect myself so much, that I lose touch with who I was. But I guess that's the problem. I've never been any good at accepting myself. Fuck, I've been trying to think of ways just to get out of going to this thing tonight. I've become better at it over the past couple of years, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. Fuck, even with 'girlfriends' over the years, I've found myself saying: "I'll be ok without her. I won't let her get inside me, because she won't even matter a couple years from now." I've only gotten better at it since I started dating Alyssa.
The art of covering up my past- I need to unlearn it.
I guess there's no way of getting out of this unless I want to keep pushing people away from me.
God, I guess I owe it to both of us to at least show up.
It's weird to think about people from years ago, and think about how they've changed. I remember Kim as Sensei Christina's "little sister" that followed her everywhere, and basically wanted to be her. First time I met her, I thought she and Megan were following Eric and I around in Lucky's (now Albertsons). She was always the mouthy one of the group, that always got into it with Eric, and they would punch and kick eachother. She always had something to say, and she was always 'borrowing' money from either Eric or me (although it was usually Eric), and she was there for both my first and second degree black belt promotions, and she was the one that went with Christina to try and run the Yorba Linda Red Dragon studio. Fuck I remember that- Christina was supposed to be the general manager, but she didn't like to teach all that much, and Kimmie was supposed to be her assistant instructor (eventhough she was only 14 or so). I remember the day before Christina and Kim left, there was a party at the studio (as like a going away party), and I gave Kim my sketchbook as a goodbye present. She was always around when I was doodling, and I figured I wouldn't ever see her again. The last two times I saw her was when we went to Haunt (before I worked there) as like a fake date (the only thing I remember from that night was singing in the car). And the last time I saw her was a random occurance about a year and a half ago at the Puente Hills Mall. The last I heard, she was (I'm not going to say it out of respect for her). That was hard to hear. I had this vision of someone from the past that I geuinely cared about (not in a romantic or sexual way, just as a completely honest to god- friend), getting into some pretty bad things. It's weird, because at the time, I hadn't seen her in almost 2 years, and it still really hurt to hear that. At the time, Justin said: "don't tell Mark that, he wants to have the picture in his head of all his students being goodie-two-shoes." At the time I thought he was crazy- I mean, of course I wanted to know how everyone was doing, especially if I hadn't seen them in a while. So I basically forgot about everything, until I started writing this.
Oh my god, I just remembered something- She has my sketchbook. I didn't give it to Caitlin, I gave it to her. I gave it to her that night of the going-away party.
Man, I've pushed away a lot of my past over the years.. I figured it was easier to cut people off than to try and keep ties. I've always been the one to cut my losses and keep running. Fuck. You know, in the process of cutting all the bad parts of life out of my brain, there are a lot of good things that got taken out too. Parts of my life and even friendships got covered up in my selfish quest for 'self-improvement.'
I have to admit, Chris, Justin, and Brian are better at keeping records of their lives than I am. I got so busy trying to fix myself, that I didn't think about anyone else. I'm the person that an old friend will call and ask to hang out, and then I make an excuse because I feel uncomfortable and out of place. It's funny because I'm not out of place at all, I push myself out of place. I try to disconnect myself so much, that I lose touch with who I was. But I guess that's the problem. I've never been any good at accepting myself. Fuck, I've been trying to think of ways just to get out of going to this thing tonight. I've become better at it over the past couple of years, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. Fuck, even with 'girlfriends' over the years, I've found myself saying: "I'll be ok without her. I won't let her get inside me, because she won't even matter a couple years from now." I've only gotten better at it since I started dating Alyssa.
The art of covering up my past- I need to unlearn it.
I guess there's no way of getting out of this unless I want to keep pushing people away from me.
God, I guess I owe it to both of us to at least show up.