Lost Loves
It's been nearly three years since my ex and me where together. I still remember the last time I was him. I had to drive him to Orlando. After that it neither has nor will it ever be the same. Nothing really is the same - at least in feelings and thoughts. I don't know what I've been waiting for, closure? It's been so long should I even ask what went wrong or why. Would it make any difference in MY life now? As time goes by it changes people. I thought I'd feel different sleeping next to him, holding him, kissing him, being with him, eating with him... but there was a feeling of emptiness. As if the time I'm with him is a dream - because the only thing you have left after it all is the memories. I once told someone, after he asked - if I collected anything - I told him that I collect memories. I have a lot of memories. I just wish I could share my memories and make them with just one person. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, I don't know if I should be happy or cry. I missed him for so long and know that I won't be able to have what I once had or would like.
I have so many questions; yet don't want to hear the answers. I could never get him to look at rings for us but he wears one today. Do ex's automatically become fuck buddies? What's the sense in that - other then you know what each other likes. I guess I've come to enjoy jacking off better then wasting my time to meet someone of value. What a life I live - I wish I could start again. I wonder if I'd make the same mistakes, or better yet if I would be gay - in all honesty I think I would. Even with all the differences in life I see the changes every day that things are getting brighter - maybe the GE song should be my theme song.
What to do now? I would like to know what I could do different so that I don't make the same mistake again - if not in this life then in the next. I really don't know what went wrong - other then him saying it was him. So did he ever love me? He said he did or he wouldn't have been with me? It's all to confusing at times. All I have and will always have is myself - to look at in the mirror each morning - and my memories.
