Why
People come in your life, and they leave. Some stay longer then others and some you just want out as soon as possible. The difference is the least you like someone the more they want to be in and apart of your life. I've found it hard to keep people in my life that I want. My friends always wonder whom I'll show up with. Not that there curious, they just wonder what looser I wound up with next. I think I need people who need me, but it's the wrong need. I need someone to Love me, not need to use me. I seem to attract the rough cut diamonds in life. I hope my love and time will eventually erode the sharpness and a true diamond will emerge. Be it drugs, alcohol, or whore's it always becomes a laugh among my friends. It hurts because I guess at times I start thinking the same thing. I attract all the wrong guys, so when a guy's attracted to me I just cringe inside. I expect nothing and nothing is expected in return. I don't hope so I don't hurt. I don't love so I won't cry. Yet there are those people that you meet and you have to make a decision.
Holiday's are the worse time to get into a relationship or to start dating. Each needs each other for the holidays for all the wrong reasons. I guess that's true for Valentine's Day too. I had two guy's interested in me and a third that I didn't even give a chance. I've known each for a while and one I was sexually active with. The sex was great but that was all there was. We met and had sex on the first date and every time we'd meet it was an expectation. I don't need sex like that, I'd rather jack off at times. The other person I had gotten off a few times and I enjoyed pleasing him. It was kinky sex that I liked to a point but yet it wasn't "me". I just enjoyed his company and at times his youth. I loved to do things to him and with him that he couldn’t trust another to do.
I don't know what it is at times with some one. You know the out come and you know what you should do, but you through caution to the wind and go for it. Youth brings so many challenges; I've always said it's a number. I guess it's also experiences in life. This person is over ten years younger then I. He wanted more between us then we had. I care for him so much - I would rather be with him and protect him from the tears of life, then have him go through it alone or someone else. I guess that's selfish. Nonetheless, I decided to pursue things with him and here I sit at 1am going through my mind and wandering what the hell I'm doing. The one guy I was dating I told that if there were some thing there of significance I would have felt it. We started to be fuck buddies and that's all it could be, a definition was set, a course in place and I couldn't go back and change my feelings. Kind of like having sex with a good friend would feel like having sex with your brother or some thing.
Here I sit, questioning what I should do. This person felt so compiled to ask me "what" we where, and I thought he wanted to be boyfriends and date. Yet I get so many mixed emotions. If I was such a great and wonderful person wouldn't you post some thing in a journal? Here I sit curious why I can go through two - nearly three years of his journal and I don't even see any interest in me... I see the interest in other poeple but not me. Is this a sign? Do some people not express there true feelings about someone.... I owe it to myself and my life to be happy. Do I need this in my life? Living is hard, dieing is easy. So true this feels. Sometimes it's just hard doing the things you need to do. Such is life I guess.