Changing my mind
Note: I'm reposting this as I meant this to be a public post.
These days I have a lot of work to do; the hardest work I am doing involves changing my mind. I have been locked in emergency mode for almost two years now. Now that the train wreck that was my life has been largely cleared from the tracks, I am working towards a new life in which the only direction will come from within myself.
Yeah, it hurt a lot to lose something valuable, but it hurt even more to learn that the thing I lost wasn't real, after all. that's my past. I'm packing up the past and sending it off to remote storage where I will try to leave it without much thought. Isolating the pathological thoughts like, ";Oh, I can't live with out _______________." I want to live and I can't live with that kind of nonsense in my life. If it was just fun nonsense, like years ago, I'd go on with it. It's over and done. No more debate, no more doubts, no more fresh starts for that aspect of my life. I know enough of the truth now to know that I don't want to know any more.
Eight or nine weeks ago, I really felt like I couldn't handle the loss of family and the loss of home. Now I know something I didn't really know two months ago; I deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. I knew this on an intellectual level, but I did not know the emotional reality of it.
What I am losing is pain, doubt, grief and anger. These things may linger in the periphery of my mind, but they will lose their ability to hold me back, and eventually, they will be gone. The context of my life needs to change radically so that I can renew contact with my muses. I have been writing a lot in the last couple of years; I thought it was a good substitute for seeing a therapist. While it was better than nothing, it couldn't pull me out of the self-destructive vortex I allowed myself to get sucked into.
Changing my mind means not living in a state of constant doubt and tension; changing my mind means giving up things that hold me back and beat me down. It means simply not letting people get to me to the point that I lose part of my identity in a struggle to be heard and understood. It means uncompromising self examination and unstinting adherence to my core values.
It has taken me too long to get where I am now, and I will not let anybody or anything stand in my way.
These days I have a lot of work to do; the hardest work I am doing involves changing my mind. I have been locked in emergency mode for almost two years now. Now that the train wreck that was my life has been largely cleared from the tracks, I am working towards a new life in which the only direction will come from within myself.
Yeah, it hurt a lot to lose something valuable, but it hurt even more to learn that the thing I lost wasn't real, after all. that's my past. I'm packing up the past and sending it off to remote storage where I will try to leave it without much thought. Isolating the pathological thoughts like, ";Oh, I can't live with out _______________." I want to live and I can't live with that kind of nonsense in my life. If it was just fun nonsense, like years ago, I'd go on with it. It's over and done. No more debate, no more doubts, no more fresh starts for that aspect of my life. I know enough of the truth now to know that I don't want to know any more.
Eight or nine weeks ago, I really felt like I couldn't handle the loss of family and the loss of home. Now I know something I didn't really know two months ago; I deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. I knew this on an intellectual level, but I did not know the emotional reality of it.
What I am losing is pain, doubt, grief and anger. These things may linger in the periphery of my mind, but they will lose their ability to hold me back, and eventually, they will be gone. The context of my life needs to change radically so that I can renew contact with my muses. I have been writing a lot in the last couple of years; I thought it was a good substitute for seeing a therapist. While it was better than nothing, it couldn't pull me out of the self-destructive vortex I allowed myself to get sucked into.
Changing my mind means not living in a state of constant doubt and tension; changing my mind means giving up things that hold me back and beat me down. It means simply not letting people get to me to the point that I lose part of my identity in a struggle to be heard and understood. It means uncompromising self examination and unstinting adherence to my core values.
It has taken me too long to get where I am now, and I will not let anybody or anything stand in my way.