Progress
My situation is no different, but my thinking has changed. Last night I was thinking about Nate and myself, and I followed down the thought 'what if Nate changes his mind again and want to be with me and James'.
A few weeks ago I still hung on to what I had been telling Nate "You will always have a home with me. I will never give up on you." I've had the intellectual realisation of that being stupid a number of times in the last year. It was an addictive relationship, I knew that, too. Addiction is hard to recover from.
Last night I told myself " That's insane. After all the times he's run away, and after the promises he made at Thanksgiving, I would have to be completely out of my mind to let him get near me again." Part of my recovery, just like with drug addicts, is staying away from the people and places where I associated with him, and staying away from him.
I can imagine a chorus of hurrahs both from those who are being supportive, and those who wish that I would never again show up at certain places. I know I've been angry, and gave voice to that anger. That's the way I am when people f**k with me.
This does not mean that I will never again attend a MinnStf meeting or a Minicon. It means that right now, I don't want to take the chance that I will be exposed to the thing to which I am addicted.
It also doesn't mean that I am ashamed of anything I've said or done, it's not an admission of guilt, and it sure as hell isn't an apology to those who actively interfered with my marriage.
I practiced in my head what I might say to him if he were to ask to get back together. I felt the anger that would have to hold me steady; I told myself that this was the right way to think, and, while anger may not be a good thing in and of itself, it's a helluva lot better than wanting to kill myself.
I'm getting stronger, and I don't plan on backsliding.