(no subject)

[mark_the_place]

 so i noticed my flowers are already sprouting and its only been two days. they are in some shitty pots on my porch with shitty soil from stop and shop, and growing off brighton/allston tap water, with pollution in the air. if they are growing, in the midts of of the noted conditions, i feel like I can definately do this and get my shit together. i just went through a phase hopefully, well more of a downward spiral than a phase, haha. But if i think i've met my personal rock bottom, theres no where to go but up from here. i'm gonna take it slow the next few weeks and do simple things like reading and planting, and keep myself busy (and detach myself from negative influences). one step at a time my doctor says. it takes time, but it will be worth it to not die at the age of 22. I have no valid reason to explain how this happened or how I got myself into this mess,  other than the fact like I was an ignorant little girl at the time this all started and i had a immature understanding of what it meant to live on my own. i'm embarrassed about the crap i've gotten myself into the past 11 months or so, and its caused me to make a fool of myself and hurt people in so many ways. but i'm ready to get better, especially since the summer is here! :) I'm sick of being all talk and I wanna say that i'm ready to start being an adult and plan my future, because now i believe I ahve one.

i'm glad i've gone thorugh all this at a young age. i just learn from my mistakes, i think.

but if i can meet my goal this summer, then i'm going to look into community college for the fall. I just took a wrong turn somewhere, and i'm feeling like i'm finding my way back, maybe? I cant predict the future, but I can set goals and ambitions. we'll find out, wont we?