i need your grace to help me find me own
i wish that i could sing well, i wish i could make all a's without trying, i wish i had a core group of friends, i wish i had one girl best friend that was connected at my hip.
i wish for a lot of things.
but i have accepted i cannot sing well but it does not stop me from singing, i have accepted i have to put some effort into good grades, i have accepted that a diverse group of friends is more interesting and more fulfilling that those certain few, &i have accepted that i do not have the cannot walk through the halls without, cannot have sleepovers without, cannot live without girl best friend.
but i find the last one harder to accept than the others. the others have always been obvious.
i have never seemed to have been confused about best friends.
but who says that i need that one? why do i feel like i need one? when did i lose them? were they ever really there in the first place? what did i do to drive them away? why am i so easily disappointed? am i the only one in this boat?
i am sure i could spend a good while debating and arguing with myself which would probably end up with me placing the blame on myself.
i just see it as an inevitable realization that came sooner rather than later.
but i would rather spend my life having a few good friends and the rest acquaintances than to pretend that the people i call "best friends" would never really live up to that title.
as much as i sit and say that, it will still be hard to accept. it is my senior year after all and i do not want to completely filter out those who i have grown up with, confided in, spilled everything to, laughed with, cried with, &evolved with.
but maybe it is not a matter of pushing them away but allowing that distance that was bound to happen at one time or another. or maybe the space was there in the first place, i was just too blind to see or too busy playing it safe, not wanting to step outside of my own boundaries.
whatever it is does not matter;
i am who i am and that is all i can be.
i am all i can give.
i am all you can have.
i am all i will live up to be.
nothing less, nothing more.