Beyond the Kurtofsky/Klaine ’ship wars
(In case people are wondering: this is why my little story has been on hiatus the past few months. I’m really sorry to put you all on hold like that without an explanation, but it has been crazy hard to write when after a few minutes, my throat gets choked up and I have to stop.)
In a recent interview, Chris Colfer stated that he thought a Kurt/Karofsky relationship would be “a great idea”. He also said plenty of other things, including a poignant observation about how utterly heartbreaking Karofsky’s search for acceptance is, but predictably the comments are all about Kurtofsky vs. Klaine. (In an almost poetic development, someone even got told off for trying to talk about something else. I still can't decide if the commenter was being intentionally ironic or was seriously irked that someone was detracting from her mischievous goading.)
At any rate, this sort of bickering gets me down, because I don't think it’s at all necessary.
Let’s talk about this “’ship war” for a minute. I used to be really tired of people falling back on “he’s a bully he’s a bully he’s a bully” as though it was the only notable thing about the character of Dave Karofsky. Until a few months back, I wondered if some people chanted it to themselves so that they wouldn’t forget, no matter how much character development, that for them he only ever gets to be a bully-not a scared, confused teenager struggling to find acceptance.
But things change, and you know what? I honestly, truly think I get it now, or at least a lot of it for the people whose opinions matter.
People have a lot of reasons for being fiercely loyal to Blaine or not liking Karofsky. For some, it’s because Max Adler just isn’t their type and Darren Chris just is. I can’t say I care much about them. Others, who I do care about, have had truly horrible experiences that they fear being forced to relive if Kurt and Karofsky ever hit it off as more than friends.
And I get that now. I really do.
In contrast to the visceral loathing some people have for the character, I have my own very selfish reasons for liking Dave Karofsky. My boyfriend was something of a bully as a kid and was closeted to most people until the day he died. (Including a lot of people who came to his funeral. That was interesting.) He had pretty much the same build as Max Adler. There’s a picture of Max playing with a puppy shirtless; when I saw it, I thought, “Huh. That’s basically what I see every night.” I watch Dave on Glee, I think of him. I see Dave growing, raising a glass to “baby steps,” and I remember the first time he put an arm around me on a bus despite his fear of being seen. It’s a good feeling until the aching sense of loss sets in.
Speaking of aching sense of loss, perhaps you picked up on the "dead boyfriend" thing in the last paragraph. Yeah, that’s kind of a big thing to me. You see, my boyfriend collapsed a few months back and died from a cardiac arrest three days later. Now I get to relive that every time someone stumbles or every time someone gets a headache. We’re talking panic attacks, vomiting, tears, the works.
Guess who can’t watch Grilled Cheesus?
Guess who gets a sick feeling every time Burt’s weak heart is brought up?
Guess who lies in bed crying into a dead man's t-shirt after an episode with Dave in it?
Guess who isn’t demanding that they drop those plot lines forever?
You see, Dave Karofsky means a lot more to me than just some bittersweet memories. I really love that there’s a character who represents someone like my late boyfriend. I love that Glee shows that not all gay people are cute, out-and-proud flamers like Kurt and Blaine. (Or, for that matter, like me.) That’s not just good, it’s great. There are a lot of gay people out there who can sympathise with Karofsky as a character, and I say this with absolute confidence because the last time I had an uncomfortable discussion with my boyfriend about him not being completely out, he used Dave Karofsky to explain how he felt. Still not convinced? Go on Twitter and see how many people plucked up the courage to come out to their families after seeing someone whose fear and uncertainty they could identify with.
Not just good. Great.
I like to try to understand people, and in this case I think I do. I know what it’s like to be a victim of homophobic bullying. I’m lucky enough that seeing it as a storyline isn’t a trauma trigger for me; I’m not lucky enough that I don’t know what that means, or that watching Glee hasn’t triggered me a couple of times.
I’m not stupid. I can connect the dots. I understand, I really think I do.
But that doesn’t make it right for people to tell everyone who likes Kurtofsky that there’s something seriously wrong with them for thinking that Kurt and Karofsky having a fling, even for a couple of episodes, makes them horrible, deluded or both. Understandable, but not right.
Heck, what happened to me doesn’t make it right for me to want to see it. But I hope that now it’s understandable, even if you disagree. And if you think it all comes down to finding Max Adler physically or personally attractive, or some notion that Dave deserves Kurt as a “reward” for being good, or any of the other condescending canards I see being repeated about Kurtofsky fans… Then I hope you can see why I find that deeply patronising and that there’s more to it than that. It’s much more complex, not just for me, but for thousands of other Glee fans who see in Dave a deeply sympathetic character, someone they or someone close to them can identify with. People for whom the “bully” label is overshadowed by something else, who see redemption as a real possibility instead of the hollow promise of forgiveness-but with Kurt keeping him at arm’s length, and never, ever forgetting.
If you can’t forgive and forget because of what has really happened to you then you have my sympathy, and I honestly don’t wish you pain. But I’m not going to pretend I haven’t already forgiven him, or apologise for being able to or hoping that Kurt might too. You don’t need to pretend either. You have nothing to apologise for. But let’s stop, just for a minute, acting like we only disagree because one party or the other is essentially too stupid or delusional to see things from the right perspective.
I don’t think you’re stupid. I don’t think you’re delusional. I think your perspective is understandable. Let’s agree to disagree without pretending there’s something wrong with that.
Again: just because our feelings are understandable doesn’t make them right. And if people on either side would bear that in mind, we'd stand to learn a lot from each other.
In a recent interview, Chris Colfer stated that he thought a Kurt/Karofsky relationship would be “a great idea”. He also said plenty of other things, including a poignant observation about how utterly heartbreaking Karofsky’s search for acceptance is, but predictably the comments are all about Kurtofsky vs. Klaine. (In an almost poetic development, someone even got told off for trying to talk about something else. I still can't decide if the commenter was being intentionally ironic or was seriously irked that someone was detracting from her mischievous goading.)
At any rate, this sort of bickering gets me down, because I don't think it’s at all necessary.
Let’s talk about this “’ship war” for a minute. I used to be really tired of people falling back on “he’s a bully he’s a bully he’s a bully” as though it was the only notable thing about the character of Dave Karofsky. Until a few months back, I wondered if some people chanted it to themselves so that they wouldn’t forget, no matter how much character development, that for them he only ever gets to be a bully-not a scared, confused teenager struggling to find acceptance.
But things change, and you know what? I honestly, truly think I get it now, or at least a lot of it for the people whose opinions matter.
People have a lot of reasons for being fiercely loyal to Blaine or not liking Karofsky. For some, it’s because Max Adler just isn’t their type and Darren Chris just is. I can’t say I care much about them. Others, who I do care about, have had truly horrible experiences that they fear being forced to relive if Kurt and Karofsky ever hit it off as more than friends.
And I get that now. I really do.
In contrast to the visceral loathing some people have for the character, I have my own very selfish reasons for liking Dave Karofsky. My boyfriend was something of a bully as a kid and was closeted to most people until the day he died. (Including a lot of people who came to his funeral. That was interesting.) He had pretty much the same build as Max Adler. There’s a picture of Max playing with a puppy shirtless; when I saw it, I thought, “Huh. That’s basically what I see every night.” I watch Dave on Glee, I think of him. I see Dave growing, raising a glass to “baby steps,” and I remember the first time he put an arm around me on a bus despite his fear of being seen. It’s a good feeling until the aching sense of loss sets in.
Speaking of aching sense of loss, perhaps you picked up on the "dead boyfriend" thing in the last paragraph. Yeah, that’s kind of a big thing to me. You see, my boyfriend collapsed a few months back and died from a cardiac arrest three days later. Now I get to relive that every time someone stumbles or every time someone gets a headache. We’re talking panic attacks, vomiting, tears, the works.
Guess who can’t watch Grilled Cheesus?
Guess who gets a sick feeling every time Burt’s weak heart is brought up?
Guess who lies in bed crying into a dead man's t-shirt after an episode with Dave in it?
Guess who isn’t demanding that they drop those plot lines forever?
You see, Dave Karofsky means a lot more to me than just some bittersweet memories. I really love that there’s a character who represents someone like my late boyfriend. I love that Glee shows that not all gay people are cute, out-and-proud flamers like Kurt and Blaine. (Or, for that matter, like me.) That’s not just good, it’s great. There are a lot of gay people out there who can sympathise with Karofsky as a character, and I say this with absolute confidence because the last time I had an uncomfortable discussion with my boyfriend about him not being completely out, he used Dave Karofsky to explain how he felt. Still not convinced? Go on Twitter and see how many people plucked up the courage to come out to their families after seeing someone whose fear and uncertainty they could identify with.
Not just good. Great.
I like to try to understand people, and in this case I think I do. I know what it’s like to be a victim of homophobic bullying. I’m lucky enough that seeing it as a storyline isn’t a trauma trigger for me; I’m not lucky enough that I don’t know what that means, or that watching Glee hasn’t triggered me a couple of times.
I’m not stupid. I can connect the dots. I understand, I really think I do.
But that doesn’t make it right for people to tell everyone who likes Kurtofsky that there’s something seriously wrong with them for thinking that Kurt and Karofsky having a fling, even for a couple of episodes, makes them horrible, deluded or both. Understandable, but not right.
Heck, what happened to me doesn’t make it right for me to want to see it. But I hope that now it’s understandable, even if you disagree. And if you think it all comes down to finding Max Adler physically or personally attractive, or some notion that Dave deserves Kurt as a “reward” for being good, or any of the other condescending canards I see being repeated about Kurtofsky fans… Then I hope you can see why I find that deeply patronising and that there’s more to it than that. It’s much more complex, not just for me, but for thousands of other Glee fans who see in Dave a deeply sympathetic character, someone they or someone close to them can identify with. People for whom the “bully” label is overshadowed by something else, who see redemption as a real possibility instead of the hollow promise of forgiveness-but with Kurt keeping him at arm’s length, and never, ever forgetting.
If you can’t forgive and forget because of what has really happened to you then you have my sympathy, and I honestly don’t wish you pain. But I’m not going to pretend I haven’t already forgiven him, or apologise for being able to or hoping that Kurt might too. You don’t need to pretend either. You have nothing to apologise for. But let’s stop, just for a minute, acting like we only disagree because one party or the other is essentially too stupid or delusional to see things from the right perspective.
I don’t think you’re stupid. I don’t think you’re delusional. I think your perspective is understandable. Let’s agree to disagree without pretending there’s something wrong with that.
Again: just because our feelings are understandable doesn’t make them right. And if people on either side would bear that in mind, we'd stand to learn a lot from each other.