Subspace Emissary, Dissected (Part 2 of ?)
I did not forget.
Though my analysis of the "epic" gets spotty from here on out, as there were certain characters I was quite interested in and others that I... wasn't.
Another Green World
King Dedede Steals Zelda:
Far, far away from the blasted field of lost battles lies a lush, green land, and in this green land is a little green man. It’s-a Luigi! Cue humiliation.
Grade: A- Wow, cool, necrophiliac penguin kings. This scene is actually cute and funny despite the disturbing undercurrents, but after the emotional punch of Lucas’ private hell and the distant, dismal trip through the Land of Epic Angst, a return to candy colors and slapstick comedy just doesn’t go down easily. And points off for disrespect to poor, poor Luigi. Still, D3 has the most bad-ass introduction of any character to date (Ike is a close second). He mallets Luigi sky-high, steals Wario’s wheels, and summons an army of minions to gang-bang Wario while he rides off with the trophy collection.
Link Draws the Master Sword:
Oh, it’s another androgynous kid with a sword! And this one has elf ears! Good God, do we have to go totally Lord of the Rings here? OK, OK, the dude in the green tunic is of course, Link of Hyrule, Hero of Time, a Nintendo Icon second only to Mario. If video games were epic poems, Link has Homeric status, and the Fire Emblem kids would be relegated to the Roland cycle. And the elf-ears have been part of the package all along, so I can’t complain too much (I will complain about the extent to which Peter Jackson’s films blatantly influenced the look of Twilight Princess).
The Subspace Army in the Forest
Grade: B- OMG Link is soooo cute! But why in God’s name is he hanging with Yoshi? Oh, right, they’re trophies. Crazy Hand left them lying around in the Forest Diorama together. Thhpt. Does all this epic-battle-versus-evil crap matter, or not?
Link Loses the Battleship Halberd
Link (and Yoshi) in pursuit of the Halberd. Said pursuit lasts until Link...reaches the edge of yet another cliff. And the Halberd, which can after all fly, speeds off into the distance.
Grade: D It’s “Three Warriors and the Ancient Minister” with Link in place of Ike (or Marth, whichever) and Yoshi in place of Meta Knight. Oh, and Link loses the Battleship Halberd, just like the title said. These heroes kind of suck.
Let’s see, who has actually accomplished anything of note in this line-up:
1) Ike-- actually derailed a Subspace Bomb, potentially saving a great many trophies and robots in the process, even if he failed to catch the Ancient Minister.
2) Star Fox-- defeated a boss and saved Diddy Kong (why?)
3) Ness-- defeated a boss and sacrificed himself for Lucas
4) Donkey Kong-- sacrificed himself for Diddy Kong (why god why?)
5) Mario-- graciously revived Kirby after a battle, thereby opening up Subspace Whoopass on the entire world... oh, wait.
And the winner is... King Dedede, for carjacking Wario and stealing the trophy collection!
All-time losers:
5) Wario-- pwned by the giant penguin and his Waddle Dee army. But that’s OK, ‘cause he’s Not Nice.
4) Luigi-- He showed up. He panicked. He died. Good lord, what an embarrassment.
3) Lucas-- miserable little twerp who had to be rescued by Ness (twice) and would likely already be toast if not for Red.
2) Meta Knight-- lost his own ship. Jumped the wrong guy while searching for it. Got hit in the wing while chasing down the Ancient Minister. And finally, was shown up by Ike. Man, being the director’s favorite doesn’t get you much, does it?
1) Zelda-- bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom wtf!
And the winner is-- Donkey Kong, for sacrificing his own life for Diddy K. Sheesh.
Adult Interlude! Normal Humans of Determinate Gender!
Snake’s Cardboard Box
In a big empty room, with round windows, is a box. The box bears the Smash Bros logo and an exclamation point. The box moves.
Grade: B It’s a box! I guess it’s supposed to be funny, and it’s so absurd that it is funny. Oh, yeah, Solid Snake is in the box. I guess. Given clouds are moving past the porthole windows, I’ll also guess that Snake-in-the-Box is on the Halberd.
Zero Suit Samus Infiltrates
A slender turquoise-clad leg busts through the ceiling of some crappy place. Another leg follows, and a turquoise body topped with a blonde ponytail drops through the hole. It’s Zero Clothes Samus! Her face is pretty, her back is glowing, and her tits are enormous.
Grade: C- That’s not a body suit, that’s turquoise-hued body paint! She’s naked. I guess the girls already got their jollies, what with Pit and Marth and Ike and Link, so here’s some fanservice for those attracted to chicks with big tits.
The Pikachu Generator:
The bad guys have hit on a way to produce “clean” energy-- torturing Pokemon!
Grade: A I knew from reading spoilers and watching the intro montage that Samus teamed up with Pikachu. I found that humiliating to a proud bounty hunter and was prepared to hate this scene. It’s actually great, because it was funny. It contained a spark of warmth and feeling and even camaraderie. Yes indeed, Samus has camaraderie with the electric rat, and this dynamic duo displays more chemistry than did the three Tin Soldiers back at the Battlefield Fortress.
Where is the Power Suit?
IDK and I don’t care.
The A-Team Is Born!
Bowser’s Surprise Attack On Peach
False Peach Battles Link
Mario’s Misunderstanding
King Dedede Nabs Defeated Mario
The Cavern’s Entrance
King Dedede’s Castle Discovered
Ganondorf Issues Bowser’s Orders
[I clearly was not very interested in the A-team: Mario, Link, Pit, Kirby, and Yoshi.]
I Found You! The Quest for More and Better Pokemon!
Charizard Flies Into the Ruins
The Wario and Lucas Rematch
Wario’s Trophification
King Dedede Pins a Badge on Zelda
King Dedede’s Hidden Castle Passage
Bowser Kidnaps Zelda
And Bowser rides off in his clown car, which looks like the icon for Jack-in-the-Box. Yum!
Subspace Engulfs King Dedede’s Castle
Ganondorf Meets With Master Hand
So, Ganondorf is in some control room, communicating via telescreen with a giant white glove. Master Hand, ladies and gents. Ganondorf bows, apparently accepting the orders of the almighty Hand. For some reason, I don’t trust the green guy....
Grade: D Yeah, yeah, Master Hand. This plot just jumped the shark, ladies and gents. The evil overlord of fricking Hylia in a sci-fi setting does not work.
I Found You, Ivysaur!
Ivysaur trophy available for the plucking. Red the Pokemon Trainer zaps it into his Poke Ball. I guess those aren’t used for heroin, then.
Grade: C The damned plot keeps chugging along. Red has a new pet.
I Caught You, Charizard!
Same as above, except for Red bags a Charizard this time.
Grade: C- Same as above, except for Red bagging a Charizard.
The Hole in the Ruins!
Camera pans down a hallway. Red and Lucas are in a massive, apparently topless, round tower. Looks like a scene from a Castlevania boss battle. Can Simon Belmont show up now and liven this up, please?
Grade: C The architecture ain’t so hot that it makes me excited all on its own.
Yawn. Count me among those who thinks that the Subspace Emissary was a promising idea that didn't go so well in execution. In the next installment, we get back to the characters for whom I was sitting through this mess.
Though my analysis of the "epic" gets spotty from here on out, as there were certain characters I was quite interested in and others that I... wasn't.
Another Green World
King Dedede Steals Zelda:
Far, far away from the blasted field of lost battles lies a lush, green land, and in this green land is a little green man. It’s-a Luigi! Cue humiliation.
Grade: A- Wow, cool, necrophiliac penguin kings. This scene is actually cute and funny despite the disturbing undercurrents, but after the emotional punch of Lucas’ private hell and the distant, dismal trip through the Land of Epic Angst, a return to candy colors and slapstick comedy just doesn’t go down easily. And points off for disrespect to poor, poor Luigi. Still, D3 has the most bad-ass introduction of any character to date (Ike is a close second). He mallets Luigi sky-high, steals Wario’s wheels, and summons an army of minions to gang-bang Wario while he rides off with the trophy collection.
Link Draws the Master Sword:
Oh, it’s another androgynous kid with a sword! And this one has elf ears! Good God, do we have to go totally Lord of the Rings here? OK, OK, the dude in the green tunic is of course, Link of Hyrule, Hero of Time, a Nintendo Icon second only to Mario. If video games were epic poems, Link has Homeric status, and the Fire Emblem kids would be relegated to the Roland cycle. And the elf-ears have been part of the package all along, so I can’t complain too much (I will complain about the extent to which Peter Jackson’s films blatantly influenced the look of Twilight Princess).
The Subspace Army in the Forest
Grade: B- OMG Link is soooo cute! But why in God’s name is he hanging with Yoshi? Oh, right, they’re trophies. Crazy Hand left them lying around in the Forest Diorama together. Thhpt. Does all this epic-battle-versus-evil crap matter, or not?
Link Loses the Battleship Halberd
Link (and Yoshi) in pursuit of the Halberd. Said pursuit lasts until Link...reaches the edge of yet another cliff. And the Halberd, which can after all fly, speeds off into the distance.
Grade: D It’s “Three Warriors and the Ancient Minister” with Link in place of Ike (or Marth, whichever) and Yoshi in place of Meta Knight. Oh, and Link loses the Battleship Halberd, just like the title said. These heroes kind of suck.
Let’s see, who has actually accomplished anything of note in this line-up:
1) Ike-- actually derailed a Subspace Bomb, potentially saving a great many trophies and robots in the process, even if he failed to catch the Ancient Minister.
2) Star Fox-- defeated a boss and saved Diddy Kong (why?)
3) Ness-- defeated a boss and sacrificed himself for Lucas
4) Donkey Kong-- sacrificed himself for Diddy Kong (why god why?)
5) Mario-- graciously revived Kirby after a battle, thereby opening up Subspace Whoopass on the entire world... oh, wait.
And the winner is... King Dedede, for carjacking Wario and stealing the trophy collection!
All-time losers:
5) Wario-- pwned by the giant penguin and his Waddle Dee army. But that’s OK, ‘cause he’s Not Nice.
4) Luigi-- He showed up. He panicked. He died. Good lord, what an embarrassment.
3) Lucas-- miserable little twerp who had to be rescued by Ness (twice) and would likely already be toast if not for Red.
2) Meta Knight-- lost his own ship. Jumped the wrong guy while searching for it. Got hit in the wing while chasing down the Ancient Minister. And finally, was shown up by Ike. Man, being the director’s favorite doesn’t get you much, does it?
1) Zelda-- bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom wtf!
And the winner is-- Donkey Kong, for sacrificing his own life for Diddy K. Sheesh.
Adult Interlude! Normal Humans of Determinate Gender!
Snake’s Cardboard Box
In a big empty room, with round windows, is a box. The box bears the Smash Bros logo and an exclamation point. The box moves.
Grade: B It’s a box! I guess it’s supposed to be funny, and it’s so absurd that it is funny. Oh, yeah, Solid Snake is in the box. I guess. Given clouds are moving past the porthole windows, I’ll also guess that Snake-in-the-Box is on the Halberd.
Zero Suit Samus Infiltrates
A slender turquoise-clad leg busts through the ceiling of some crappy place. Another leg follows, and a turquoise body topped with a blonde ponytail drops through the hole. It’s Zero Clothes Samus! Her face is pretty, her back is glowing, and her tits are enormous.
Grade: C- That’s not a body suit, that’s turquoise-hued body paint! She’s naked. I guess the girls already got their jollies, what with Pit and Marth and Ike and Link, so here’s some fanservice for those attracted to chicks with big tits.
The Pikachu Generator:
The bad guys have hit on a way to produce “clean” energy-- torturing Pokemon!
Grade: A I knew from reading spoilers and watching the intro montage that Samus teamed up with Pikachu. I found that humiliating to a proud bounty hunter and was prepared to hate this scene. It’s actually great, because it was funny. It contained a spark of warmth and feeling and even camaraderie. Yes indeed, Samus has camaraderie with the electric rat, and this dynamic duo displays more chemistry than did the three Tin Soldiers back at the Battlefield Fortress.
Where is the Power Suit?
IDK and I don’t care.
The A-Team Is Born!
Bowser’s Surprise Attack On Peach
False Peach Battles Link
Mario’s Misunderstanding
King Dedede Nabs Defeated Mario
The Cavern’s Entrance
King Dedede’s Castle Discovered
Ganondorf Issues Bowser’s Orders
[I clearly was not very interested in the A-team: Mario, Link, Pit, Kirby, and Yoshi.]
I Found You! The Quest for More and Better Pokemon!
Charizard Flies Into the Ruins
The Wario and Lucas Rematch
Wario’s Trophification
King Dedede Pins a Badge on Zelda
King Dedede’s Hidden Castle Passage
Bowser Kidnaps Zelda
And Bowser rides off in his clown car, which looks like the icon for Jack-in-the-Box. Yum!
Subspace Engulfs King Dedede’s Castle
Ganondorf Meets With Master Hand
So, Ganondorf is in some control room, communicating via telescreen with a giant white glove. Master Hand, ladies and gents. Ganondorf bows, apparently accepting the orders of the almighty Hand. For some reason, I don’t trust the green guy....
Grade: D Yeah, yeah, Master Hand. This plot just jumped the shark, ladies and gents. The evil overlord of fricking Hylia in a sci-fi setting does not work.
I Found You, Ivysaur!
Ivysaur trophy available for the plucking. Red the Pokemon Trainer zaps it into his Poke Ball. I guess those aren’t used for heroin, then.
Grade: C The damned plot keeps chugging along. Red has a new pet.
I Caught You, Charizard!
Same as above, except for Red bags a Charizard this time.
Grade: C- Same as above, except for Red bagging a Charizard.
The Hole in the Ruins!
Camera pans down a hallway. Red and Lucas are in a massive, apparently topless, round tower. Looks like a scene from a Castlevania boss battle. Can Simon Belmont show up now and liven this up, please?
Grade: C The architecture ain’t so hot that it makes me excited all on its own.
Yawn. Count me among those who thinks that the Subspace Emissary was a promising idea that didn't go so well in execution. In the next installment, we get back to the characters for whom I was sitting through this mess.