You let me believe you were someone else, part six
Title: You let me believe you were someone else
Author: Mark_angel01
Rating: PG13 for now will go higher eventually, warnings will be put before the chapter though.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Chris Kane, Tom welling, Mike Rosenbaum, Sophia Bush, Chad Murray, Sandy McCoy, Steve Carlson, Jeffrey Morgan, OFC, OMC.
Warning: This is male/male pairing so if you don't like then please leave, it is AU and the boys are 16, very low rating to start but will eventually get higher, so may be underage depending on where you live. There will be violence in future chapters but I will warn before a chapter.
Disclaimer: If I owned them I would force them to admit their love for eachother, which is so obvious, sadly i do not even own a strand of their hair.
Summary:
"Your secrets did this .... you did this. You let me believe you were someone else ..... I feel like I don't even know you.
Jared is 16 and hiding a dark past, Jensen is drawn to him, what will happen when secrets are revealed. Read to find out.
Story notes: My wonderful Beta reader is Basez dreams, any mistakes left are my own doing.
This is going to be a long story, I have some chapters written and will post weekly so there is not a long time between updates.
Sorry for the long delay guys I am busy with real life, moving house and working stupid hours kills my online life. Hope you like this chapter though, I hope to update again soon and get more regular again now things are settling here.
Song - Through glass - stone sour.
chapter notes: I'm not a therapist, my understanding is limited to my own experience of seeing one, but still, I am no expert. So therefore, there are likely things Laurie says or does that a therapist wouldn't. I appreciate some of you may understand it better, but I am going to just do guess work, so don't hate me if it's wrong. lol.
Chapter 6 - Inside your head, outside your heart.
"So Jared, how was your first night here?" Laurie sat comfortably in a sofa opposite Jared. As usual, she allowed her patients to choose their seats. Beanbags lined the floor, as did two stools and a comfy chair. Jared, however, chose to sit opposite her on the other sofa. He looked tired and pale, and she knew this session wouldn't go well. The first one never did.
"Fine, thank you." He felt uncomfortable, despite how nice the room looked, decorated in bright, warm colours. Toys and objects to keep his hands busy were scattered everywhere, and even the sofas were comfy. Not like he imagined. Still, he knew the purpose of these sessions and he was working himself up to deflect answers.
She noticed the slight hostility in Jared's voice and mentally noted it. He had been more than polite this morning at breakfast, but therapy often made kids like Jared defensive. It was expected; part of the course. There was no reason for any of the kids that came to see her to trust her straight the way. Often, they came here expecting her to force them to talk, to go over painful memories and to explain them. They were wary of her. Despite her knowing and understanding this, she tried to make them see she was trustworthy and not another adult who was going to let them down.
Whenever she felt that perhaps she wasn’t getting through to them, she remembered a brilliant teacher who had once said: "remember, you are an unknown entity to the child. You’re there to delve into their innermost thoughts and help them discover themselves. Often, these children have been abused, neglected, or are in trouble with the law. All they have ever known is to hide who they are, what they feel. And here comes the therapist to break down those walls and make them relive the worst times of their lives. We shouldn’t forget that broken down, the word therapist becomes The Rapist, a word that causes many negative emotions. Put aside your fancy degrees and words, and that is exactly what the patients see us doing; raping their minds of their inner most thoughts and fears. You make them relive painful times and don't let them hide. Of course, that is what we need to do. A child can never heal, even as an adult, unless they deal with those damaging traumas in their lives. But remember, realise what you are to that child and the fear that you may cause. Take a step back and look through their eyes."
That lesson had served her well over the years. She always thought of it with each case to enable her to get into the mindset of the child. Even when the child was hostile and aggressive, it helped her to understand. She knew all she could do was try to reassure them and work on gaining their trust. Today would be no different.
"So, I know you have never seen a therapist before, Jared, but I wanted to let you know how this works to give you a good idea of what will be happening. Is that ok?"
As expected, she just got a nod. Jared’s eyes were fixed to the floor. "I want you to understand a few things about therapy and this room. I have three simple rules that we both have to follow when we come in here, ok? They’re on that wall; can you read them?"
She watched as he read the rules that applied to both of them.
1. Be honest about how we feel.
2. Listen to each other.
3. Respect what is said and each other.
"Do they make sense?" Again, she received a nod. "Well, the first one is the most important. I won't be making you talk about anything you don't want to, Jared." She smiled as he looked at her in shock. "You seem surprised."
"I don't have to talk?" He looked so hopeful, despite the guarded look.
"Well, to not talk at all would make these sessions pointless. I would like you to talk to me, but you lead the session. You can talk about what you want. I only ask that you stick to rule number one: be honest. I will of course ask you questions or ask you to talk more about something. If you feel unable to talk about this, or you just don't want to, that’s fine. Again, just be honest with me and we will be fine. If you need to have a break or just stop talking for a while, that is also fine, Jared. Does that sound ok to you?"
"Yeah, it does." He was a little less tense now she had explained that to him, but he knew having to talk would be difficult.
"Good. The second rule seems like an easy one, but at times people find it difficult. I just ask that we try to listen to each other and allow the other to finish what they say and to not interrupt. How does that sound?"
Jared nodded again. He doubted he would ever interrupt anyone ever again.
"The third rule is important; you need to know that everything that is said in here is confidential. I only give reports to your social worker and the courts. But, I do not give them full details of our sessions. I just include what is relevant to your case. So if you talk to me about personal details, like your feelings about your family, then I won’t include it because it is not relevant. I will just outline that we discussed your family and how you felt about it. Of course, you are free to share anything said in here with other people."
Jared’s mind was on overload. He had got himself so worked up over therapy, and it seemed it had been for nothing. He imagined being told to lay on a couch and have questions fired at him. Only it wasn't like that. Laurie wasn't going to make him talk about things he didn't want to talk about, and yet, he couldn't see how that was possible.
His confusion gave him the drive to speak. "What if I never talk about why I'm here?"
Laurie could sense his distrust, like he was expecting her to twist things around suddenly. "Well, like I said, Jared, I will ask you questions, and some will be about what happened. I just ask you to be honest."
"So, if I say I don't want to talk about it…?" He still didn't see how that would work.
"Jared, if that is how you feel at that time, then I may ask more questions about why you feel that way. But I cannot make you talk about what happened. It wouldn't help you or me if I forced things."
Jared bit his lip and thought that over. "So when my trial comes, if I haven't spoken to you about what happened, will you get in trouble?"
Laurie was surprised by his concern for her, and once again thought the file had this boy wrong. "Jared, I won’t be in trouble. I will try to get you to talk to me eventually when you feel ready, because I think you need to get it out there and face what happened. I know right now you may disagree, and that’s ok. But I'm not giving up on you, and it's not because I will get in trouble."
Jared nodded and agreed silently that he wouldn't ever want to talk about that night; it was buried deep and he had no intentions of reliving that ever again.
Laurie gave Jared time to process that before continuing. "I know there is a lot to take in, but I wanted you to understand that this time is for you. I am here to listen to you, to offer any words of support or advice that I can for anything in your life, not just the reason you’re here. You can roam around this room, play with the toys, read the many posters and even draw if you like; you just need to use this time for you."
Jared looked around the room as she spoke and wondered why he would want to play with any of this stuff. He wasn't six anymore. He ignored the fact that the old Jared would be bounding round the room like Tigger on crack right now. He wasn't like that anymore. No amount of therapy would fix him.
Laurie waited until his focus was back with her and smiled. "If you want, we can just talk today about the plans whilst your here for school and an upcoming trip. I know there is a lot to take in still and a session may be too much today. Is there anything you wanted to talk about other than plans?"
Jared was about to say ‘no’, and remembered rule one. Honesty. He had a lot in his head right now; his family, Chad and Sandy, Chris and Michael, new home, therapy, school and Jensen…Jensen who had haunted his dreams last night. Did he want to talk about any of it, though? There was a good reason he stopped talking to people; they couldn't be trusted, they wouldn't believe him. So no, as nice as Laurie seemed, he couldn't trust her. Besides, talking never helped. He would just ignore everything in his head and heart like always.
So he shook his head. "No, talking about the plans is fine."
********
Jensen laughed as he and Tommy scored yet another basket against Chris and Mike. The two other boys often came over on a Sunday to play hoops. He had been happy to pick Tommy as his partner due to his skills, and he had laughed at the face Chris had pulled. No one ever wanted to partner with Mike, as he never played seriously. They would be playing and suddenly he would stop to ask some random question or make a comment. He only played because he made up the numbers.
Mike worked on the paper and was more academically gifted than he was in sports, but he wasn't exactly a geek. To look at him at first glance, people would place him in the ‘geek’ category; he was usually always on his laptop, so therefore wearing his glasses and he was in almost every AP class. Still, Mike was cool in a weird out-there kind of way. He knew everyone and had contacts, so if anyone needed anything-anything at all- they went to Mike. He had helped Jensen find a guy that dealt cheap car parts and had once boasted he could even get drugs for them all. He had quickly backtracked when Tom gave him the whole ‘drugs are bad‘ speech. Alcohol, however, was fine. Mike hooked them up with the best parties, but never ceased to look out for his friends.
Jensen figured that people probably thought that was why Mike was allowed to hang with the popular guys. Jensen hated the title, but somehow he had managed to get stuck as ‘Mr Popular’ along with Tom, Chris and Sophia (Miss Popular, in that case). They always stuck to their own group, though, and refused to be dragged into the shallow world of the other popular kids. Tom was the best basketball player and Chris was the best football player. Jensen had been in the basketball team for many years before it interfered with his true passions; music, drama and arts. He loved to play his guitar, sing and act, and even draw. He was already considered popular by that point because of basketball and his good looks, so joining the yearly shows seemed to make people like him even more. He was never looking for approval; he just did what he liked. The only people he cared about pleasing were those close to him. Still, in the social order, he was one of the ‘in’ crowd.
Mike, however, wasn't. He had yet to build his reputation up as the guy to go to for anything and everything. So, he was not seen as one of the ‘in’ crowd. But Jensen, Tom and Chris never wavered in their friendship with him. It didn't matter to them, because despite what others thought, their friendship had formed long before their popularity even existed. It had been the way the other popular kids had treated Mike that had made them pull away into their own crowd. They didn't fit the normal roles and they were all ok with it. Mike, as ever, was not in the slightest bit affected by the comments made about him, but he was their friend and they didn't want to hang out with people that treated their friends horribly.
So for the longest time it had been the five of them, an odd mix, but they worked well together. Jensen found it easy to be within this small group of people and be himself. They all got on as individuals, which helped, especially as schedules often clashed and it could be just two of the group hanging out. Of course, there were closer friendships within the group; Tom and Mike were closer to each other, like he and Chris were, and he and Tom were closer to Sophia, but she got on great with Mike and Chris. He loved his group of friends and was happy he never had to pretend to be someone else just to fit in.
He wondered, not for the first time, how Jared would fit into the group. He had meant what he had said last night. He didn't want Jared to be alone at school, and he wanted the group to welcome him. He just didn't want to split the group up. He knew Chris would be against it, but he knew Tom and Sophia would accept Jared into the group. The two cousins were genuinely nice people; they liked everyone, and even though Sophia was scary when someone hurt someone she loved, she was still a caring person. Mike may side with Chris. Those two were very different, but often they thought the same way about certain things. Still, Mike was an unknown; he often surprised people with his responses, even his best friends.
"Catch me, big boy," Mike shouted this moments before jumping onto Tom who was so shocked, he automatically caught the shorter guy in some weird hug. Mike used his new height advantage to throw the ball in the hoop above their heads.
There was a few seconds pause, but then Tom’s shocked face had Chris and Jensen laughing so hard that within seconds they fell to the floor, tears blurring their eyes. Every time they tried to control themselves, they looked at the cheering Mike who was still in Tom’s arms and cracked up again.
Eventually, Tom realised what he was doing and dumped his friend’s ass on the floor. He smiled at his friends and sat near them waiting for them to get control.
The laughter eventually died down and Mike looked at them, confused. "What’s so funny? I made a perfect shot."
This almost had them laughing again. Mike just grinned good naturedly and shrugged it off. "Laugh it up boys; none of you could have done that."
Chris laughed, throwing a towel at his friend. "Yeah, because Tommy would never catch us like that."
They all laughed at that, but Jensen noticed the blush on Tom’s face and was tempted to tease him about it. But something in his tall friend’s eyes asked him not to. So he filed it away for another time.
"So, when do we meet the freak?" Mike wasn't exactly quiet and Jensen hoped Jared was still in therapy so he didn't hear.
Scowling he kicked his friends foot. "Don't call him that. He’s ok." Jensen kicked Chris as he snorted at his comment.
"Fuck, stop kicking!" Chris had a look on his face that told Jensen he was in trouble. Turning to Mike and Tom, he grinned, "Jenny boy has a crush on him."
Jensen glared as his cheeks flushed. "I do not. Just cause I'm not an asshole to the poor guy, doesn‘t mean I have a crush."
"Jen’s right guys, he probably needs friends." Tom could usually be counted on for being nice and Jensen was glad he hadn't teased him moments before.
Mike, however, was pure evil and refused to let the crush comment pass by. "About damn time, Jenny boy. Here I was thinking you would never get laid. Is he cute?"
Chris was scowling at Mike now, obviously not happy with the way this was going. "Dude, shut the fuck up. Jen can do better than some freak of nature." He then grinned at Jensen. “I could fix you up with almost anyone at school. So, who do you like?, any guy or girl of your choice"."
Jensen rolled his eyes at his friends. They often teased each other about being gay and wanting guys, and again, he knew it was their way of giving him an opportunity to out himself. Still, Mike always was less sensitive than the others. "So Jen, you’re finally flying the gay pride flag?"
Jensen flipped him off. "You two should concentrate more on your own sex lives, cause I haven't seen either of you getting laid just lately."
Tom laughed with Jensen. "Very true, man. Plus, all that talk of gay sex… think they’re trying to tell us something?"
Jensen, once again, thanked the gods that Tom was the guy he was. He wouldn't ever change him. "I think so. We should set them up."
Mike just snorted and grinned. Nothing ever seemed to get to him. "Yeah, make sure he’s cute. I'm not picky enough to care if its a guy or girl, but they have to be cute."
Chris just groaned and stood up, looking disgusted. "I love boobs; it's all I’m saying."
Tom pulled Jensen up and laughed. "Me thinks he doth protest too much."
Jensen nodded and slung his arm around Chris's shoulder. "I'll be your date, handsome and maybe we can go to the prom."
Mike pouted. "What about me, Ackles? You always go for brawn over brain?"
Jensen just laughed as Chris flexed his muscles and Tom sighed before putting his arm around Mike. "Don't worry, little one. I'll take you to the prom."
Mike looked almost serious for a second, while Chris and Jensen just stood uncomfortably as the seconds ticked by. Neither of them understood the sudden tension that had settled around them, and thought it was best not to ask.
Chris suddenly coughed. "Erm, let’s get some drinks."
The moment was broken and Mike turned and grinned. "Yeah, lets meet the freak that has Ackles all hot under the collar."
"Look, just be nice to him. He’s quiet and ...well, just be nice." How could he explain that Jared was a nice guy under the hostile exterior? None of them would believe him, considering he had only known the boy a day and therefore couldn't possibly know what he was really like. He couldn’t explain that it was his instinct or just a feeling, because he didn’t understand it himself.
*************************
Jared had spent the rest of the therapy session listening to the plans that had been made for him. School wouldn't be much different, as all his work had been transferred. Laurie would take him to the office tomorrow to ensure everything was in order and he would find out what he needed to catch up on. He hadn't missed much school, just September and the first week in October. He had always been top of his classes, so he shouldn't have much to make up. As Laurie had explained this, he had tried to not think of his old school, his old friends and old life. It was difficult when he kept being reminded of them.
Laurie had explained that the school requires that he joins in with at least one extracurricular activity outside of education time. Again, he was reminded that sports would be out of the question, so he would be forced to choose another group. Just great.
He would be having physio and doctors appointments regularly whilst here, and the Kane family was planning a trip to Vancouver for Christmas. They were to stay with Jensen's mum, sister, step dad and step sister for two weeks. He had been intrigued to know more about Jensen's family and why he wasn't with them, but of course never asked. He was also feeling that familiar clench in his stomach at the thought of meeting new people and having to be around them at Christmas.
Laurie had sensed it was a difficult thing for him, and asked how he was feeling. He had been honest with her in saying he didn't want to talk about it. Christmas would be impossible to face; he had always loved everything about it, from the tree, to the presents, to the food, to the songs…just everything. Now, it meant nothing. To him, Christmas was about being with those you loved. He wouldn't be with them this year, so now Christmas had no meaning and the magic of it was lost to him.
He wasn't exactly Mr. Sunshine lately, but the session had made his mood even lower than normal, so he couldn't help but scowl when he walked into the kitchen to find his housemates plus two. He wished he had just gone back to his room now, but he was thirsty and had just followed Laurie in here.
He quickly took in the two new additions to the group before looking at the floor again, hating the sudden silence.
Laurie handed him a drink and pointed at the tallest guy. "This is Tom, Jared. He will be at your new school."
Jared forced himself to look at the other guy and found himself looking into warm, friendly eyes. "Hey, nice to meet you. The guys call me Tommy or Tom."
Jared wished he could escape. He could feel eyes on him and shuffled his feet. "Hey," he managed to whisper before looking down again.
"Hey, Dr Kane! Don't I get an introduction?" The shorter guy was now standing in front of him, but looking at Laurie who just grinned back.
"Thought I would spare him the torture, Mikey."
Mikey, as Laurie called him, seemed unaffected by this and shrugged at the insult. "Sure thing, Doc. Trying to protect your patients, I get it.” He then turned his attention to Jared. "Hey big guy, ignore what they say about me. They lie. So how tall are you exactly? I thought Tommy here was tall, but you must be taller. How you finding the Kane household?"
Jared took a step back. This guy was a little too close for comfort and there were too many questions. He wasn't used to this and could feel himself starting to panic. He knew he probably looked like an idiot and considered just walking out, but he had to go school with these guys. He managed to look briefly at the shorter guy. "Hey."
He had intended to say more, but couldn't find the words; he was seriously considering running out now.
"Hey, back off, Mike. Let the guy breathe. He can't handle your whacked out personality after only just meeting you." Jared secretly thanked Jensen for saving him from the weird little guy.
He wondered how he could make an excuse to leave, when Laurie gently touched his shoulder. "I have some calls to make, but you should get to know these guys." She gave him an encouraging smile and must have seen the panic in his eyes. "When I'm done with the phone, you can use it if you like, ok?"
He nodded and felt himself relax slightly. He would have an excuse to leave if it got too much and he wondered if she had offered that on purpose, as he hadn't mentioned phoning home. Still, all the talk of Christmas had him aching to speak to someone from his family, even if it would make him hurt a little more.
As Laurie left, he grabbed a chair at the table and tried to breathe calmly, hoping everyone would ignore him for the most part. No such luck.
"So, Jay man, who you calling? A girlfriend perhaps?" The weird guy was directing the attention towards him again.
He couldn't help but frown at the name; his friends used to call him Jay. "It's ‘Jared’, and no, no girlfriend."
Jensen could feel the tension building in the room as Jared spoke, and he saw the look Chris and Mike exchanged. This wasn't going well. He looked to Tommy and as usual, his gentle friend came through for him.
"Let’s talk about something else guys. Jared’s only just met us." Tom’s gentle voice usually got Mike to behave, but he wasn't biting today.
"Just trying to get to know our new.... friend."
Chris jumped in to back Mike up. "Yeah, that's not a crime you know. What I want to know is why Jared doesn't want to share his history with us."
Jared clenched his good hand to control his tongue. Chris really had it in for him and with the way he was feeling, he knew nothing good would be said if he spoke right now.
Jensen scowled at his friends. "Fuck, Chris, grow up will you?"
Jared was surprised at the venom in Jensen's voice and looked up to see the two best friends glaring at each other.
Mike seemed to enjoy this. "Awww….a lovers tiff. You two are so sweet when you fight. I bet the makeup sex is amazing though."
There were a few seconds of silence before all four were laughing, the tension broken and Jared just stared in disbelief. They were all fucking crazy. He didn't know about needing therapy, but these four sure did.
As he was looking at them, his eyes fell on Jensen who was laughing, and at some point their eyes met. It was only for a few seconds, but he couldn't look away. Jensen looked good when he laughed. His eyes seemed to sparkle in a way he had never seen anyone’s do before. He shook his head and looked down, laughing at his own thoughts. He was an idiot and he needed to stop thinking that way.
Jensen tried to act normal as he joined in the normal banter with his friends. Tommy and Mike were telling Jared about school and joking about the students there. Jensen had been shocked to find Jared staring at him, and his reaction had been instant. His heart rate rose dramatically and he found it difficult to breathe. He really had to stop reacting like this every time they looked at each other, or it would kill him.
************************
Sometime later, Jared found himself alone at last. He welcomed the peace surrounding him. Tom had been nice enough and Mike seemed like a good guy, just a little strange. They had let him stay quiet and he figured he could manage hanging out with them at lunch as long as they ignored him most of the time.
It wasn't that he didn't like them; he could see himself easily becoming friends with them, well maybe not so much Chris. Still, he wasn't here to make friends and he was too damaged for that. He imagined what would happen when they finally learnt of his past. He knew for now things were confidential, but once the trial started, it would be in the media and it wouldn't take long for these guys to find out.
He knew then, none of them would want to know him. He could imagine Chris saying he told them so and Jensen looking hurt.
That thought bothered him more than it should, given that they were barely friends and he had no reason to think Jensen would be hurt. He probably wouldn't even care, just be disgusted that he had lived under the same roof as him. He hated that it hurt to think of Jensen feeling that way about him. It was stupid, he knew it was, but it seemed the other boy had already gotten under his skin.
He was better off to just avoid forming any bonds here. Everyone left in the end, even those that promised to always be there. He had no reason to trust any of these; he had no reason to let them in, even if part of him wanted to.
He sighed as he held the phone in his hand. He was in the lounge and Laurie had suggested calling his mum. He couldn't ignore the ache for his family and that over rode his fear that they wouldn't want to talk to him.
He dialled the number and waited. As it went to answer phone, he hung up. It was strange; his family should be home now; they always had Sunday meals together. His mum would be cooking dinner and helping his sister bake cookies or do homework, and his dad would be watching the game with Jeff who came to visit on Sundays. Jared would normally be home around this time, going between the lounge and the kitchen, talking nonstop to his family.
Jared wondered if they knew it was him, if they were ignoring the call on purpose. He told himself not to think that way. So again, he tried calling them. With each ring in his ear, it became clear to him no one was home or they didn't want to hear from him. As it went to answer phone, he hesitated before speaking. "Er, hey, it's Jared...just wanted to speak to someone...can you call back? Um, bye.
He knew his tone sounded desperate, because he was. He needed to know his family hadn't completely cut him out their lives. He knew his dad didn't want to know him, but his brother and sister were different, and his mom must still want him…mustn’t she?
He could feel the panic rising inside him as he wondered if they would ever talk to him again....
"Jared, honey, what’s wrong?" Laurie was there suddenly and he felt closed in, he needed to escape, to get away.
"No one answered," he was standing and making his way out of the lounge when his eyes met Jensen's. He didn't want to see that look in Jensen's eyes, one full of pity. So he walked past him.
Laurie's soft voice followed him as he made it to his room. "Honey, I’m sure they’ll call back. You left a message right?"
He nodded once, before closing his bedroom door and shutting everyone out. Once alone, he let the tears slide down his cheeks. He sat against his door to stop any unwelcome guests seeing him breakdown.
*********************************
Jensen had heard the call Jared had made and could hear the doubt in the other boys voice as he spoke. He had wanted to move as Jared came out of the lounge looking like a trapped animal, but he couldn't. He couldn't help but look at the other guy concerned, but then he was gone.
He turned to Laurie. "Should I go see if he’s ok?" Everything in him wanted to go comfort the other guy.
"No Jensen, let him have some space. Things with his family are delicate." She smiled reassuringly at him.
"They’ll call back, right? He left a message asking them to…" He couldn't imagine anyone hearing the desperation in Jared's voice and not calling back.
"I'm sure they will." There was a look on Laurie’s face that he couldn't quite read, but he decided she was right; they would call back.
He spent the rest of the day positioning himself near the phone doing homework. He knew it was stupid, but he wanted to answer the phone. He wanted to be the one to give Jared the phone and see the relief in the other boys eyes when he realised they had called back, that they still cared.
Plus, he didn't want to risk them calling and it being missed.
As night time fell, he felt his heart grow heavy for the other guy. No one could ignore the pain Jared was in when he asked to be called back.
They had to call back.
Only no one did.
Author: Mark_angel01
Rating: PG13 for now will go higher eventually, warnings will be put before the chapter though.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Chris Kane, Tom welling, Mike Rosenbaum, Sophia Bush, Chad Murray, Sandy McCoy, Steve Carlson, Jeffrey Morgan, OFC, OMC.
Warning: This is male/male pairing so if you don't like then please leave, it is AU and the boys are 16, very low rating to start but will eventually get higher, so may be underage depending on where you live. There will be violence in future chapters but I will warn before a chapter.
Disclaimer: If I owned them I would force them to admit their love for eachother, which is so obvious, sadly i do not even own a strand of their hair.
Summary:
"Your secrets did this .... you did this. You let me believe you were someone else ..... I feel like I don't even know you.
Jared is 16 and hiding a dark past, Jensen is drawn to him, what will happen when secrets are revealed. Read to find out.
Story notes: My wonderful Beta reader is Basez dreams, any mistakes left are my own doing.
This is going to be a long story, I have some chapters written and will post weekly so there is not a long time between updates.
Sorry for the long delay guys I am busy with real life, moving house and working stupid hours kills my online life. Hope you like this chapter though, I hope to update again soon and get more regular again now things are settling here.
Song - Through glass - stone sour.
chapter notes: I'm not a therapist, my understanding is limited to my own experience of seeing one, but still, I am no expert. So therefore, there are likely things Laurie says or does that a therapist wouldn't. I appreciate some of you may understand it better, but I am going to just do guess work, so don't hate me if it's wrong. lol.
Chapter 6 - Inside your head, outside your heart.
"So Jared, how was your first night here?" Laurie sat comfortably in a sofa opposite Jared. As usual, she allowed her patients to choose their seats. Beanbags lined the floor, as did two stools and a comfy chair. Jared, however, chose to sit opposite her on the other sofa. He looked tired and pale, and she knew this session wouldn't go well. The first one never did.
"Fine, thank you." He felt uncomfortable, despite how nice the room looked, decorated in bright, warm colours. Toys and objects to keep his hands busy were scattered everywhere, and even the sofas were comfy. Not like he imagined. Still, he knew the purpose of these sessions and he was working himself up to deflect answers.
She noticed the slight hostility in Jared's voice and mentally noted it. He had been more than polite this morning at breakfast, but therapy often made kids like Jared defensive. It was expected; part of the course. There was no reason for any of the kids that came to see her to trust her straight the way. Often, they came here expecting her to force them to talk, to go over painful memories and to explain them. They were wary of her. Despite her knowing and understanding this, she tried to make them see she was trustworthy and not another adult who was going to let them down.
Whenever she felt that perhaps she wasn’t getting through to them, she remembered a brilliant teacher who had once said: "remember, you are an unknown entity to the child. You’re there to delve into their innermost thoughts and help them discover themselves. Often, these children have been abused, neglected, or are in trouble with the law. All they have ever known is to hide who they are, what they feel. And here comes the therapist to break down those walls and make them relive the worst times of their lives. We shouldn’t forget that broken down, the word therapist becomes The Rapist, a word that causes many negative emotions. Put aside your fancy degrees and words, and that is exactly what the patients see us doing; raping their minds of their inner most thoughts and fears. You make them relive painful times and don't let them hide. Of course, that is what we need to do. A child can never heal, even as an adult, unless they deal with those damaging traumas in their lives. But remember, realise what you are to that child and the fear that you may cause. Take a step back and look through their eyes."
That lesson had served her well over the years. She always thought of it with each case to enable her to get into the mindset of the child. Even when the child was hostile and aggressive, it helped her to understand. She knew all she could do was try to reassure them and work on gaining their trust. Today would be no different.
"So, I know you have never seen a therapist before, Jared, but I wanted to let you know how this works to give you a good idea of what will be happening. Is that ok?"
As expected, she just got a nod. Jared’s eyes were fixed to the floor. "I want you to understand a few things about therapy and this room. I have three simple rules that we both have to follow when we come in here, ok? They’re on that wall; can you read them?"
She watched as he read the rules that applied to both of them.
1. Be honest about how we feel.
2. Listen to each other.
3. Respect what is said and each other.
"Do they make sense?" Again, she received a nod. "Well, the first one is the most important. I won't be making you talk about anything you don't want to, Jared." She smiled as he looked at her in shock. "You seem surprised."
"I don't have to talk?" He looked so hopeful, despite the guarded look.
"Well, to not talk at all would make these sessions pointless. I would like you to talk to me, but you lead the session. You can talk about what you want. I only ask that you stick to rule number one: be honest. I will of course ask you questions or ask you to talk more about something. If you feel unable to talk about this, or you just don't want to, that’s fine. Again, just be honest with me and we will be fine. If you need to have a break or just stop talking for a while, that is also fine, Jared. Does that sound ok to you?"
"Yeah, it does." He was a little less tense now she had explained that to him, but he knew having to talk would be difficult.
"Good. The second rule seems like an easy one, but at times people find it difficult. I just ask that we try to listen to each other and allow the other to finish what they say and to not interrupt. How does that sound?"
Jared nodded again. He doubted he would ever interrupt anyone ever again.
"The third rule is important; you need to know that everything that is said in here is confidential. I only give reports to your social worker and the courts. But, I do not give them full details of our sessions. I just include what is relevant to your case. So if you talk to me about personal details, like your feelings about your family, then I won’t include it because it is not relevant. I will just outline that we discussed your family and how you felt about it. Of course, you are free to share anything said in here with other people."
Jared’s mind was on overload. He had got himself so worked up over therapy, and it seemed it had been for nothing. He imagined being told to lay on a couch and have questions fired at him. Only it wasn't like that. Laurie wasn't going to make him talk about things he didn't want to talk about, and yet, he couldn't see how that was possible.
His confusion gave him the drive to speak. "What if I never talk about why I'm here?"
Laurie could sense his distrust, like he was expecting her to twist things around suddenly. "Well, like I said, Jared, I will ask you questions, and some will be about what happened. I just ask you to be honest."
"So, if I say I don't want to talk about it…?" He still didn't see how that would work.
"Jared, if that is how you feel at that time, then I may ask more questions about why you feel that way. But I cannot make you talk about what happened. It wouldn't help you or me if I forced things."
Jared bit his lip and thought that over. "So when my trial comes, if I haven't spoken to you about what happened, will you get in trouble?"
Laurie was surprised by his concern for her, and once again thought the file had this boy wrong. "Jared, I won’t be in trouble. I will try to get you to talk to me eventually when you feel ready, because I think you need to get it out there and face what happened. I know right now you may disagree, and that’s ok. But I'm not giving up on you, and it's not because I will get in trouble."
Jared nodded and agreed silently that he wouldn't ever want to talk about that night; it was buried deep and he had no intentions of reliving that ever again.
Laurie gave Jared time to process that before continuing. "I know there is a lot to take in, but I wanted you to understand that this time is for you. I am here to listen to you, to offer any words of support or advice that I can for anything in your life, not just the reason you’re here. You can roam around this room, play with the toys, read the many posters and even draw if you like; you just need to use this time for you."
Jared looked around the room as she spoke and wondered why he would want to play with any of this stuff. He wasn't six anymore. He ignored the fact that the old Jared would be bounding round the room like Tigger on crack right now. He wasn't like that anymore. No amount of therapy would fix him.
Laurie waited until his focus was back with her and smiled. "If you want, we can just talk today about the plans whilst your here for school and an upcoming trip. I know there is a lot to take in still and a session may be too much today. Is there anything you wanted to talk about other than plans?"
Jared was about to say ‘no’, and remembered rule one. Honesty. He had a lot in his head right now; his family, Chad and Sandy, Chris and Michael, new home, therapy, school and Jensen…Jensen who had haunted his dreams last night. Did he want to talk about any of it, though? There was a good reason he stopped talking to people; they couldn't be trusted, they wouldn't believe him. So no, as nice as Laurie seemed, he couldn't trust her. Besides, talking never helped. He would just ignore everything in his head and heart like always.
So he shook his head. "No, talking about the plans is fine."
********
Jensen laughed as he and Tommy scored yet another basket against Chris and Mike. The two other boys often came over on a Sunday to play hoops. He had been happy to pick Tommy as his partner due to his skills, and he had laughed at the face Chris had pulled. No one ever wanted to partner with Mike, as he never played seriously. They would be playing and suddenly he would stop to ask some random question or make a comment. He only played because he made up the numbers.
Mike worked on the paper and was more academically gifted than he was in sports, but he wasn't exactly a geek. To look at him at first glance, people would place him in the ‘geek’ category; he was usually always on his laptop, so therefore wearing his glasses and he was in almost every AP class. Still, Mike was cool in a weird out-there kind of way. He knew everyone and had contacts, so if anyone needed anything-anything at all- they went to Mike. He had helped Jensen find a guy that dealt cheap car parts and had once boasted he could even get drugs for them all. He had quickly backtracked when Tom gave him the whole ‘drugs are bad‘ speech. Alcohol, however, was fine. Mike hooked them up with the best parties, but never ceased to look out for his friends.
Jensen figured that people probably thought that was why Mike was allowed to hang with the popular guys. Jensen hated the title, but somehow he had managed to get stuck as ‘Mr Popular’ along with Tom, Chris and Sophia (Miss Popular, in that case). They always stuck to their own group, though, and refused to be dragged into the shallow world of the other popular kids. Tom was the best basketball player and Chris was the best football player. Jensen had been in the basketball team for many years before it interfered with his true passions; music, drama and arts. He loved to play his guitar, sing and act, and even draw. He was already considered popular by that point because of basketball and his good looks, so joining the yearly shows seemed to make people like him even more. He was never looking for approval; he just did what he liked. The only people he cared about pleasing were those close to him. Still, in the social order, he was one of the ‘in’ crowd.
Mike, however, wasn't. He had yet to build his reputation up as the guy to go to for anything and everything. So, he was not seen as one of the ‘in’ crowd. But Jensen, Tom and Chris never wavered in their friendship with him. It didn't matter to them, because despite what others thought, their friendship had formed long before their popularity even existed. It had been the way the other popular kids had treated Mike that had made them pull away into their own crowd. They didn't fit the normal roles and they were all ok with it. Mike, as ever, was not in the slightest bit affected by the comments made about him, but he was their friend and they didn't want to hang out with people that treated their friends horribly.
So for the longest time it had been the five of them, an odd mix, but they worked well together. Jensen found it easy to be within this small group of people and be himself. They all got on as individuals, which helped, especially as schedules often clashed and it could be just two of the group hanging out. Of course, there were closer friendships within the group; Tom and Mike were closer to each other, like he and Chris were, and he and Tom were closer to Sophia, but she got on great with Mike and Chris. He loved his group of friends and was happy he never had to pretend to be someone else just to fit in.
He wondered, not for the first time, how Jared would fit into the group. He had meant what he had said last night. He didn't want Jared to be alone at school, and he wanted the group to welcome him. He just didn't want to split the group up. He knew Chris would be against it, but he knew Tom and Sophia would accept Jared into the group. The two cousins were genuinely nice people; they liked everyone, and even though Sophia was scary when someone hurt someone she loved, she was still a caring person. Mike may side with Chris. Those two were very different, but often they thought the same way about certain things. Still, Mike was an unknown; he often surprised people with his responses, even his best friends.
"Catch me, big boy," Mike shouted this moments before jumping onto Tom who was so shocked, he automatically caught the shorter guy in some weird hug. Mike used his new height advantage to throw the ball in the hoop above their heads.
There was a few seconds pause, but then Tom’s shocked face had Chris and Jensen laughing so hard that within seconds they fell to the floor, tears blurring their eyes. Every time they tried to control themselves, they looked at the cheering Mike who was still in Tom’s arms and cracked up again.
Eventually, Tom realised what he was doing and dumped his friend’s ass on the floor. He smiled at his friends and sat near them waiting for them to get control.
The laughter eventually died down and Mike looked at them, confused. "What’s so funny? I made a perfect shot."
This almost had them laughing again. Mike just grinned good naturedly and shrugged it off. "Laugh it up boys; none of you could have done that."
Chris laughed, throwing a towel at his friend. "Yeah, because Tommy would never catch us like that."
They all laughed at that, but Jensen noticed the blush on Tom’s face and was tempted to tease him about it. But something in his tall friend’s eyes asked him not to. So he filed it away for another time.
"So, when do we meet the freak?" Mike wasn't exactly quiet and Jensen hoped Jared was still in therapy so he didn't hear.
Scowling he kicked his friends foot. "Don't call him that. He’s ok." Jensen kicked Chris as he snorted at his comment.
"Fuck, stop kicking!" Chris had a look on his face that told Jensen he was in trouble. Turning to Mike and Tom, he grinned, "Jenny boy has a crush on him."
Jensen glared as his cheeks flushed. "I do not. Just cause I'm not an asshole to the poor guy, doesn‘t mean I have a crush."
"Jen’s right guys, he probably needs friends." Tom could usually be counted on for being nice and Jensen was glad he hadn't teased him moments before.
Mike, however, was pure evil and refused to let the crush comment pass by. "About damn time, Jenny boy. Here I was thinking you would never get laid. Is he cute?"
Chris was scowling at Mike now, obviously not happy with the way this was going. "Dude, shut the fuck up. Jen can do better than some freak of nature." He then grinned at Jensen. “I could fix you up with almost anyone at school. So, who do you like?, any guy or girl of your choice"."
Jensen rolled his eyes at his friends. They often teased each other about being gay and wanting guys, and again, he knew it was their way of giving him an opportunity to out himself. Still, Mike always was less sensitive than the others. "So Jen, you’re finally flying the gay pride flag?"
Jensen flipped him off. "You two should concentrate more on your own sex lives, cause I haven't seen either of you getting laid just lately."
Tom laughed with Jensen. "Very true, man. Plus, all that talk of gay sex… think they’re trying to tell us something?"
Jensen, once again, thanked the gods that Tom was the guy he was. He wouldn't ever change him. "I think so. We should set them up."
Mike just snorted and grinned. Nothing ever seemed to get to him. "Yeah, make sure he’s cute. I'm not picky enough to care if its a guy or girl, but they have to be cute."
Chris just groaned and stood up, looking disgusted. "I love boobs; it's all I’m saying."
Tom pulled Jensen up and laughed. "Me thinks he doth protest too much."
Jensen nodded and slung his arm around Chris's shoulder. "I'll be your date, handsome and maybe we can go to the prom."
Mike pouted. "What about me, Ackles? You always go for brawn over brain?"
Jensen just laughed as Chris flexed his muscles and Tom sighed before putting his arm around Mike. "Don't worry, little one. I'll take you to the prom."
Mike looked almost serious for a second, while Chris and Jensen just stood uncomfortably as the seconds ticked by. Neither of them understood the sudden tension that had settled around them, and thought it was best not to ask.
Chris suddenly coughed. "Erm, let’s get some drinks."
The moment was broken and Mike turned and grinned. "Yeah, lets meet the freak that has Ackles all hot under the collar."
"Look, just be nice to him. He’s quiet and ...well, just be nice." How could he explain that Jared was a nice guy under the hostile exterior? None of them would believe him, considering he had only known the boy a day and therefore couldn't possibly know what he was really like. He couldn’t explain that it was his instinct or just a feeling, because he didn’t understand it himself.
*************************
Jared had spent the rest of the therapy session listening to the plans that had been made for him. School wouldn't be much different, as all his work had been transferred. Laurie would take him to the office tomorrow to ensure everything was in order and he would find out what he needed to catch up on. He hadn't missed much school, just September and the first week in October. He had always been top of his classes, so he shouldn't have much to make up. As Laurie had explained this, he had tried to not think of his old school, his old friends and old life. It was difficult when he kept being reminded of them.
Laurie had explained that the school requires that he joins in with at least one extracurricular activity outside of education time. Again, he was reminded that sports would be out of the question, so he would be forced to choose another group. Just great.
He would be having physio and doctors appointments regularly whilst here, and the Kane family was planning a trip to Vancouver for Christmas. They were to stay with Jensen's mum, sister, step dad and step sister for two weeks. He had been intrigued to know more about Jensen's family and why he wasn't with them, but of course never asked. He was also feeling that familiar clench in his stomach at the thought of meeting new people and having to be around them at Christmas.
Laurie had sensed it was a difficult thing for him, and asked how he was feeling. He had been honest with her in saying he didn't want to talk about it. Christmas would be impossible to face; he had always loved everything about it, from the tree, to the presents, to the food, to the songs…just everything. Now, it meant nothing. To him, Christmas was about being with those you loved. He wouldn't be with them this year, so now Christmas had no meaning and the magic of it was lost to him.
He wasn't exactly Mr. Sunshine lately, but the session had made his mood even lower than normal, so he couldn't help but scowl when he walked into the kitchen to find his housemates plus two. He wished he had just gone back to his room now, but he was thirsty and had just followed Laurie in here.
He quickly took in the two new additions to the group before looking at the floor again, hating the sudden silence.
Laurie handed him a drink and pointed at the tallest guy. "This is Tom, Jared. He will be at your new school."
Jared forced himself to look at the other guy and found himself looking into warm, friendly eyes. "Hey, nice to meet you. The guys call me Tommy or Tom."
Jared wished he could escape. He could feel eyes on him and shuffled his feet. "Hey," he managed to whisper before looking down again.
"Hey, Dr Kane! Don't I get an introduction?" The shorter guy was now standing in front of him, but looking at Laurie who just grinned back.
"Thought I would spare him the torture, Mikey."
Mikey, as Laurie called him, seemed unaffected by this and shrugged at the insult. "Sure thing, Doc. Trying to protect your patients, I get it.” He then turned his attention to Jared. "Hey big guy, ignore what they say about me. They lie. So how tall are you exactly? I thought Tommy here was tall, but you must be taller. How you finding the Kane household?"
Jared took a step back. This guy was a little too close for comfort and there were too many questions. He wasn't used to this and could feel himself starting to panic. He knew he probably looked like an idiot and considered just walking out, but he had to go school with these guys. He managed to look briefly at the shorter guy. "Hey."
He had intended to say more, but couldn't find the words; he was seriously considering running out now.
"Hey, back off, Mike. Let the guy breathe. He can't handle your whacked out personality after only just meeting you." Jared secretly thanked Jensen for saving him from the weird little guy.
He wondered how he could make an excuse to leave, when Laurie gently touched his shoulder. "I have some calls to make, but you should get to know these guys." She gave him an encouraging smile and must have seen the panic in his eyes. "When I'm done with the phone, you can use it if you like, ok?"
He nodded and felt himself relax slightly. He would have an excuse to leave if it got too much and he wondered if she had offered that on purpose, as he hadn't mentioned phoning home. Still, all the talk of Christmas had him aching to speak to someone from his family, even if it would make him hurt a little more.
As Laurie left, he grabbed a chair at the table and tried to breathe calmly, hoping everyone would ignore him for the most part. No such luck.
"So, Jay man, who you calling? A girlfriend perhaps?" The weird guy was directing the attention towards him again.
He couldn't help but frown at the name; his friends used to call him Jay. "It's ‘Jared’, and no, no girlfriend."
Jensen could feel the tension building in the room as Jared spoke, and he saw the look Chris and Mike exchanged. This wasn't going well. He looked to Tommy and as usual, his gentle friend came through for him.
"Let’s talk about something else guys. Jared’s only just met us." Tom’s gentle voice usually got Mike to behave, but he wasn't biting today.
"Just trying to get to know our new.... friend."
Chris jumped in to back Mike up. "Yeah, that's not a crime you know. What I want to know is why Jared doesn't want to share his history with us."
Jared clenched his good hand to control his tongue. Chris really had it in for him and with the way he was feeling, he knew nothing good would be said if he spoke right now.
Jensen scowled at his friends. "Fuck, Chris, grow up will you?"
Jared was surprised at the venom in Jensen's voice and looked up to see the two best friends glaring at each other.
Mike seemed to enjoy this. "Awww….a lovers tiff. You two are so sweet when you fight. I bet the makeup sex is amazing though."
There were a few seconds of silence before all four were laughing, the tension broken and Jared just stared in disbelief. They were all fucking crazy. He didn't know about needing therapy, but these four sure did.
As he was looking at them, his eyes fell on Jensen who was laughing, and at some point their eyes met. It was only for a few seconds, but he couldn't look away. Jensen looked good when he laughed. His eyes seemed to sparkle in a way he had never seen anyone’s do before. He shook his head and looked down, laughing at his own thoughts. He was an idiot and he needed to stop thinking that way.
Jensen tried to act normal as he joined in the normal banter with his friends. Tommy and Mike were telling Jared about school and joking about the students there. Jensen had been shocked to find Jared staring at him, and his reaction had been instant. His heart rate rose dramatically and he found it difficult to breathe. He really had to stop reacting like this every time they looked at each other, or it would kill him.
************************
Sometime later, Jared found himself alone at last. He welcomed the peace surrounding him. Tom had been nice enough and Mike seemed like a good guy, just a little strange. They had let him stay quiet and he figured he could manage hanging out with them at lunch as long as they ignored him most of the time.
It wasn't that he didn't like them; he could see himself easily becoming friends with them, well maybe not so much Chris. Still, he wasn't here to make friends and he was too damaged for that. He imagined what would happen when they finally learnt of his past. He knew for now things were confidential, but once the trial started, it would be in the media and it wouldn't take long for these guys to find out.
He knew then, none of them would want to know him. He could imagine Chris saying he told them so and Jensen looking hurt.
That thought bothered him more than it should, given that they were barely friends and he had no reason to think Jensen would be hurt. He probably wouldn't even care, just be disgusted that he had lived under the same roof as him. He hated that it hurt to think of Jensen feeling that way about him. It was stupid, he knew it was, but it seemed the other boy had already gotten under his skin.
He was better off to just avoid forming any bonds here. Everyone left in the end, even those that promised to always be there. He had no reason to trust any of these; he had no reason to let them in, even if part of him wanted to.
He sighed as he held the phone in his hand. He was in the lounge and Laurie had suggested calling his mum. He couldn't ignore the ache for his family and that over rode his fear that they wouldn't want to talk to him.
He dialled the number and waited. As it went to answer phone, he hung up. It was strange; his family should be home now; they always had Sunday meals together. His mum would be cooking dinner and helping his sister bake cookies or do homework, and his dad would be watching the game with Jeff who came to visit on Sundays. Jared would normally be home around this time, going between the lounge and the kitchen, talking nonstop to his family.
Jared wondered if they knew it was him, if they were ignoring the call on purpose. He told himself not to think that way. So again, he tried calling them. With each ring in his ear, it became clear to him no one was home or they didn't want to hear from him. As it went to answer phone, he hesitated before speaking. "Er, hey, it's Jared...just wanted to speak to someone...can you call back? Um, bye.
He knew his tone sounded desperate, because he was. He needed to know his family hadn't completely cut him out their lives. He knew his dad didn't want to know him, but his brother and sister were different, and his mom must still want him…mustn’t she?
He could feel the panic rising inside him as he wondered if they would ever talk to him again....
"Jared, honey, what’s wrong?" Laurie was there suddenly and he felt closed in, he needed to escape, to get away.
"No one answered," he was standing and making his way out of the lounge when his eyes met Jensen's. He didn't want to see that look in Jensen's eyes, one full of pity. So he walked past him.
Laurie's soft voice followed him as he made it to his room. "Honey, I’m sure they’ll call back. You left a message right?"
He nodded once, before closing his bedroom door and shutting everyone out. Once alone, he let the tears slide down his cheeks. He sat against his door to stop any unwelcome guests seeing him breakdown.
*********************************
Jensen had heard the call Jared had made and could hear the doubt in the other boys voice as he spoke. He had wanted to move as Jared came out of the lounge looking like a trapped animal, but he couldn't. He couldn't help but look at the other guy concerned, but then he was gone.
He turned to Laurie. "Should I go see if he’s ok?" Everything in him wanted to go comfort the other guy.
"No Jensen, let him have some space. Things with his family are delicate." She smiled reassuringly at him.
"They’ll call back, right? He left a message asking them to…" He couldn't imagine anyone hearing the desperation in Jared's voice and not calling back.
"I'm sure they will." There was a look on Laurie’s face that he couldn't quite read, but he decided she was right; they would call back.
He spent the rest of the day positioning himself near the phone doing homework. He knew it was stupid, but he wanted to answer the phone. He wanted to be the one to give Jared the phone and see the relief in the other boys eyes when he realised they had called back, that they still cared.
Plus, he didn't want to risk them calling and it being missed.
As night time fell, he felt his heart grow heavy for the other guy. No one could ignore the pain Jared was in when he asked to be called back.
They had to call back.
Only no one did.