not another word
each day is a battlefield, not just a battle
battle with father over
EVERYTHING
ANYthing
&
nothing at all.
he hates me.
he says he doesn’t but his actions say otherwise.
he believes his own words
but his actions say otherwise.
no food.
no Food.
There is NO FOOD FOR ME TO EAT.
I am a shut-in.
but I am a social person.
but now I am sick.
no fun.
no friends.
no help.
Why must I pay for my mistakes this way?
:”everyone makes mistakes” but only I pay???
why such a high price.
this price is not right.
give me a loan shark instead.
I rather have the loan shark with the known consequences and a certain death. they do kill you, don’t they?? will they if I take out insurance. oh, yeah. I don’t think I’d be insurable, even tho this doesn’t kill. (yes, I know there is a school that thinks it does and maybe it is true. if so, please hurry and kill me first. please.)
I cannot do it anymore.
the fake smiles.
the false hope.
the knowledge of a destitue future.
I don’t want to live in a box in the park. for real. this is for real.
a few years ago they evicted my next door neighbor. it freaked me out so much. they just took her stuff and threw it on the street. lots of stuff. she was a woman like me. a little younger. not sick, I don’t think. a nice young woman, maybe 20s maybe 30s I don’t know. I can’t remember. And I can’t tell so well.
I need sustanence from someplace, some one. some thing. I guess a dog is my only hope for that. I could rely on my dog. but I’m scared it’ll be one with the congential heart failure. dead in 2 years. I couldn’t take another loss like that. but I can’t take life without love, either.
what to do
what to say
where to go
how can I move on when I cannot physically move??
when my brain can’t function?
my BRAIN CAN’T FUNCTION.
no one hears me. no one cares. no one wants to care. because it’s big and scarey and I’m in really big trouble. so big that family run away not toward. because they know it’s big and they don’t want a big ugly mess on their plate. if things are good I’m invited inside. but when bad.... they gave at the office.
right. the office.
everyone at the office knew I was sick. believed me. worried about me.
but no one else.
too bad I didn’t die in 9/11
or from the dc sniper
I prayed he would get me. I really, really did. with every new
victim I thought, why not take me instead? I have no family,
no children. take me instead. but he wouldn’t. didn’t.
I think about traveling to Iraq. even though I can’t even travel to the
dentist. but I dream about traveling to iraq. donning a long black
covering and then not heeding the checkpoint.
I dream of being in iraq where a funny look can get me killed.
I pray that may happen to me. because I don’t want to be evicted with all my belongings thrown on the street.
I’m in trouble.
and I need love.
Seven years ago, yesterday my mother died. but I need her now. I need her to fix things for me. to fix the future. she’d make sure I was taken care of. she’d make sure I didn’t end up on the street.
but she’s dead. so there is no one to help me.
it’s a blue dawn.
thank god I finally get to sleep in the room with a window. a window that doesn’t face a wall. instead tree branches. I love that tree. it’s in a public park, but I’ve known that tree for over 20 years. I like it’s winter spindley branches.
this window it reminds me of a window in college over 20 years ago. an attic room for freshman English. I usually sat across from a high window with square panes, like we used to have here at home. I watched that tree through the window from fall through to spring. it was a ‘full year” course. a small room with sloping ceiling. table and chairs crammed in. I liked that room. and I liked the teacher. and the reading. wow, reading novels for credit! what could be better?
over 20 years ago I finished college. but sadly, they were the best years of my life. I have nothing. I made mistakes. I had no help. No one to advise me. No one to listen to me. No one to offer their experience to help me with mine. and so I have nothing. unless I get a dog. then I’ll have a little something. and a lot of love. yes, I am going to get that dog. and get it soon. because otherwise I may not be here to get it.
the sky is such a pretty blue rigtht now. it’s the western sky at 6:50am. another sleepless night. except tonight I may have made damage with a bad phone call to a friend. yes, more damage control necessary. more distance required. fuck. I cannot take this. I cannot live this existence. it is not a life. it is hell. true hell. I wish I believed in hell. then I would know there was a reason for my suffering. I would know that I had been bad. powerful bad. and it would be O.K. because hell would be my penance. I wish I believed in hell.
I have pictures of that tree from 20 years ago. I should try to find them.
as a child in this home at night I would creep into the living room and
look out the window at that tree and the sky and water and construction on the other shore. it was quiet. I liked how it felt.
but now the home is in tatters physically and every other way too. tatters, clutter, chaos. like my mind. like my existence.
clouds are appearing now. it’s supposed to be really cold today. how does one die of hypothermia? I wonder. I know it wouldn’t be pleasant, but it would be done. that would be nice.peace. that would be nice.
a man I’ve never met says he wants to sleep with me. perhaps I should say yes?
he thinks he does. but he has not seen me. the old lady with no job. no life.
I love this light. for a moment it reminded me of san francisco. every night the light is magic in san francisco.
no more blue. now it’s grey.
battle with father over
EVERYTHING
ANYthing
&
nothing at all.
he hates me.
he says he doesn’t but his actions say otherwise.
he believes his own words
but his actions say otherwise.
no food.
no Food.
There is NO FOOD FOR ME TO EAT.
I am a shut-in.
but I am a social person.
but now I am sick.
no fun.
no friends.
no help.
Why must I pay for my mistakes this way?
:”everyone makes mistakes” but only I pay???
why such a high price.
this price is not right.
give me a loan shark instead.
I rather have the loan shark with the known consequences and a certain death. they do kill you, don’t they?? will they if I take out insurance. oh, yeah. I don’t think I’d be insurable, even tho this doesn’t kill. (yes, I know there is a school that thinks it does and maybe it is true. if so, please hurry and kill me first. please.)
I cannot do it anymore.
the fake smiles.
the false hope.
the knowledge of a destitue future.
I don’t want to live in a box in the park. for real. this is for real.
a few years ago they evicted my next door neighbor. it freaked me out so much. they just took her stuff and threw it on the street. lots of stuff. she was a woman like me. a little younger. not sick, I don’t think. a nice young woman, maybe 20s maybe 30s I don’t know. I can’t remember. And I can’t tell so well.
I need sustanence from someplace, some one. some thing. I guess a dog is my only hope for that. I could rely on my dog. but I’m scared it’ll be one with the congential heart failure. dead in 2 years. I couldn’t take another loss like that. but I can’t take life without love, either.
what to do
what to say
where to go
how can I move on when I cannot physically move??
when my brain can’t function?
my BRAIN CAN’T FUNCTION.
no one hears me. no one cares. no one wants to care. because it’s big and scarey and I’m in really big trouble. so big that family run away not toward. because they know it’s big and they don’t want a big ugly mess on their plate. if things are good I’m invited inside. but when bad.... they gave at the office.
right. the office.
everyone at the office knew I was sick. believed me. worried about me.
but no one else.
too bad I didn’t die in 9/11
or from the dc sniper
I prayed he would get me. I really, really did. with every new
victim I thought, why not take me instead? I have no family,
no children. take me instead. but he wouldn’t. didn’t.
I think about traveling to Iraq. even though I can’t even travel to the
dentist. but I dream about traveling to iraq. donning a long black
covering and then not heeding the checkpoint.
I dream of being in iraq where a funny look can get me killed.
I pray that may happen to me. because I don’t want to be evicted with all my belongings thrown on the street.
I’m in trouble.
and I need love.
Seven years ago, yesterday my mother died. but I need her now. I need her to fix things for me. to fix the future. she’d make sure I was taken care of. she’d make sure I didn’t end up on the street.
but she’s dead. so there is no one to help me.
it’s a blue dawn.
thank god I finally get to sleep in the room with a window. a window that doesn’t face a wall. instead tree branches. I love that tree. it’s in a public park, but I’ve known that tree for over 20 years. I like it’s winter spindley branches.
this window it reminds me of a window in college over 20 years ago. an attic room for freshman English. I usually sat across from a high window with square panes, like we used to have here at home. I watched that tree through the window from fall through to spring. it was a ‘full year” course. a small room with sloping ceiling. table and chairs crammed in. I liked that room. and I liked the teacher. and the reading. wow, reading novels for credit! what could be better?
over 20 years ago I finished college. but sadly, they were the best years of my life. I have nothing. I made mistakes. I had no help. No one to advise me. No one to listen to me. No one to offer their experience to help me with mine. and so I have nothing. unless I get a dog. then I’ll have a little something. and a lot of love. yes, I am going to get that dog. and get it soon. because otherwise I may not be here to get it.
the sky is such a pretty blue rigtht now. it’s the western sky at 6:50am. another sleepless night. except tonight I may have made damage with a bad phone call to a friend. yes, more damage control necessary. more distance required. fuck. I cannot take this. I cannot live this existence. it is not a life. it is hell. true hell. I wish I believed in hell. then I would know there was a reason for my suffering. I would know that I had been bad. powerful bad. and it would be O.K. because hell would be my penance. I wish I believed in hell.
I have pictures of that tree from 20 years ago. I should try to find them.
as a child in this home at night I would creep into the living room and
look out the window at that tree and the sky and water and construction on the other shore. it was quiet. I liked how it felt.
but now the home is in tatters physically and every other way too. tatters, clutter, chaos. like my mind. like my existence.
clouds are appearing now. it’s supposed to be really cold today. how does one die of hypothermia? I wonder. I know it wouldn’t be pleasant, but it would be done. that would be nice.peace. that would be nice.
a man I’ve never met says he wants to sleep with me. perhaps I should say yes?
he thinks he does. but he has not seen me. the old lady with no job. no life.
I love this light. for a moment it reminded me of san francisco. every night the light is magic in san francisco.
no more blue. now it’s grey.