I usuallly feel guilty for how long my comments on to someone post. But today, it's my original post so it's "no guilt commenting"
It is amazing what I make myself feel bad about. (losing all sense of grammar is one of the few things I don't feel bad about losing. maybe cause i was never actually taught any of it in class but just sort-of picked up what I could through my voracious reading. Guess my mom was right, whenever anyone asked what I was reading (in the jr high years this seemed to happen a lot), I would tell them "trash." Cause I'd be reading things like Danielle Steele. And my mother's response would always be "at least she reading." And for once there was no underlying anything to it. That is really how she felt. I hadn't noticed that aspect before. I'm glad I did. Because mostly she was a passive agressive damaging mother, who was, I think, depressed during my lifetime. And she resented me. Resented that I didn't have her difficult life of the depression and a whole bunch of other stuff. I know she loved me. But she was a very fucked up person. BUT give me her, even just before she died, when she could barely see and couldn't walk very far but she would have taken care of me when i got sick and would have made sure provisions were made for me in the future, and instead of nasty letters and voice mail from her sisters, I would have love and support from them. )
There really isn't anything like a mother. Even a bad one.
It is amazing what I make myself feel bad about. (losing all sense of grammar is one of the few things I don't feel bad about losing. maybe cause i was never actually taught any of it in class but just sort-of picked up what I could through my voracious reading. Guess my mom was right, whenever anyone asked what I was reading (in the jr high years this seemed to happen a lot), I would tell them "trash." Cause I'd be reading things like Danielle Steele. And my mother's response would always be "at least she reading." And for once there was no underlying anything to it. That is really how she felt. I hadn't noticed that aspect before. I'm glad I did. Because mostly she was a passive agressive damaging mother, who was, I think, depressed during my lifetime. And she resented me. Resented that I didn't have her difficult life of the depression and a whole bunch of other stuff. I know she loved me. But she was a very fucked up person. BUT give me her, even just before she died, when she could barely see and couldn't walk very far but she would have taken care of me when i got sick and would have made sure provisions were made for me in the future, and instead of nasty letters and voice mail from her sisters, I would have love and support from them. )
There really isn't anything like a mother. Even a bad one.
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