It's been over a year...
since I last wrote in here. I think back to high school... I used to write in here every day. Even if it was just a little quote or something small. Now I feel like my life has been so busy I haven't had more than a second to myself in months. After tonight that is about to change...
For the last year not only have I been on hiatus from LJ I've been in a relationship that ended tonight. It hasn't been long enough for me to really know how I feel about it yet. But it's crushing all the same, we were together for over a year. It makes me both sad and mad to think I've wasted another year of my life, a lot of time and energy not to mention putting all my hopes into someone who once again turned out not to be "the one." I guess I'm most hurt at the fact that I spent so much time and energy doing things for him and trying to make it work and then in the end none of it mattered.I just want someone who will love me the same way I love them. I can honestly say with this relationship I really put my all. More so than any other relationship I've ever had. Even though we were constantly fighting and things weren't always the best I found myself falling back in love with him every time things were good. Now I just feel lost. We've "broken up" or he's threatened to break up with me so many times before half of me feels like this isn't really it. But either way do I deserve this? Is this what I really want? Someone who doesn't even care enough to tell me the truth or put me ahead of some slut "friend"? When I really ask myself those questions the answer is always NO. So why does part of me wish he would just come back and stay the night again? He brought my things and calmly left them on my couch, took his and left. Just like that. And I wasn't even the one in the wrong this time. He lied to me. He's lied before and always about the same things... I don't need to be with someone I can't trust. Deep down I know this is for the best. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. He actually told me I'm insecure... and jealous. I've never been told I'm insecure... I don't even feel insecure right now. I'm just hurt... by all the lies. And he doesn't get it.
I should have ended it at the very beginning when I knew he was talking to other girls behind my back. I should have known. But I wanted it to work so badly I looked past it... I forgave even when I knew I shouldn't. I make the same mistakes every time. When will I learn?
For the last year not only have I been on hiatus from LJ I've been in a relationship that ended tonight. It hasn't been long enough for me to really know how I feel about it yet. But it's crushing all the same, we were together for over a year. It makes me both sad and mad to think I've wasted another year of my life, a lot of time and energy not to mention putting all my hopes into someone who once again turned out not to be "the one." I guess I'm most hurt at the fact that I spent so much time and energy doing things for him and trying to make it work and then in the end none of it mattered.I just want someone who will love me the same way I love them. I can honestly say with this relationship I really put my all. More so than any other relationship I've ever had. Even though we were constantly fighting and things weren't always the best I found myself falling back in love with him every time things were good. Now I just feel lost. We've "broken up" or he's threatened to break up with me so many times before half of me feels like this isn't really it. But either way do I deserve this? Is this what I really want? Someone who doesn't even care enough to tell me the truth or put me ahead of some slut "friend"? When I really ask myself those questions the answer is always NO. So why does part of me wish he would just come back and stay the night again? He brought my things and calmly left them on my couch, took his and left. Just like that. And I wasn't even the one in the wrong this time. He lied to me. He's lied before and always about the same things... I don't need to be with someone I can't trust. Deep down I know this is for the best. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. He actually told me I'm insecure... and jealous. I've never been told I'm insecure... I don't even feel insecure right now. I'm just hurt... by all the lies. And he doesn't get it.
I should have ended it at the very beginning when I knew he was talking to other girls behind my back. I should have known. But I wanted it to work so badly I looked past it... I forgave even when I knew I shouldn't. I make the same mistakes every time. When will I learn?