Memesy - Day 4
I didn't make it to work today. Partly because I'm still not feeling well from yesterday and I woke up with hives and itchiness all over. But beyond that I really wasn't in a great headspace this morning. I felt very, very off and had a crying fit in the shower. It was the closest I've come to a panic attack since the meds really kicked in back in 2011 so it was a bit off putting, to say the least.
I don't really know what prompted it but I think I've been feeling a bit "off" for a couple weeks. Just kind of despondent and really angry at times. I've also noticed my urges to eat more in the evenings, or when I'm "bored" have increased in the past month or so, which is what I used to do when I was depressed. Once I rediscovered fandom I didn't have that problem as much.
So that leads me to today's meme task.
I'm afraid of a buttload of things. One of them is my depression returning. So far I've been so lucky that the very first medication I was put on worked and, with some adjustments, worked well. So the thought that perhaps it isn't as effective or I'm getting used to it or something is a bit worrying. I'm not concerned enough to go back to the doctor right now because this is the first really bad day I've had in quite a while and who knows what other factors come into play here - there's the weather, hormones, stress from work, my eating habits, I'm not feeling well aside from my headspace- there's a number of other things to consider.
I have an appointment scheduled for September for standing blood work follow up with my GP so I'll track things and if they keep going south I'll bring it up to him then. No sense in worrying about something that could turn out to be a false alarm, after all.
So other things that scare me? Lord, are you sitting down?
The dentist. Bugs (spiders especially but anything that crawls or flies scares the bejesus out of me generally). Toadstools. Claymation (seriously! It's just unnatural!). Transition lenses (the ones that change colour when you go inside/outside). FEET AND ANYTHING REGARDING FEET. Trypophobia (I'm not SCARED by circle things but oh WOW I can feel my anxiety levels rising when I look at particular images). Heights & small spaces.
More seriously I think I also have a fear of being alone, which is strange because I LOVE being alone. Or, as I've been thinking a bit more lately, maybe it's me telling myself I'm happier that way because it's easier. I don't like relying on other people for much of anything. I don't want to be disappointed. So it's more convenient for me to just go it on my own.
I'm not one of those people who commands attention or who friends drop what they're doing for. Like, I'm not someone a lot of my friends would choose to hang out with over someone else if something better came along. Hmmm, I don't know if that came out right because it makes them sound like shitty people.
Take this weekend for instance. I'm having a birthday party since the actual day is on Tuesday. I want to go to this place that has go karts and human hamster balls and batting cages and shit. I think I've mentioned it before. So I've invited a bunch of people, some are going on vacation and some have to work, which is obvs fine. But there are others who I told weeks ago about it that would have heard about my event first but if someone else planned something the same day and they committed to that they'd do that instead. Make sense?
I've never really "played well with others" since I did spend my formative years on my own and literally making my own fun. By the time I got to spend any decent amount of time around people my own age I was already happy on my own. But it also meant I was used to getting my own way, I guess, so that may have made it hard for me to be comfortable with friends in large groups and how to deal with them.
So I'm kind of scared of putting trust or faith in other people for fear of being let down and disappointed. Group work was never a great assignment for me in school, LOL.
I'm scared of being left out, too, so if I don't engage or put myself out there i can't be left behind, right?
I'm scared of showing weakness or sadness to some people and basically being unvalidated. I only started talking about my depression to my coworkers once i had a handle on it and could talk about it objectively. I was scared of them reacting like it wasn't as serious as it was because at work I could hide it… until I couldn't. And I wasn't standing on a ledge or anything. There's such a lack of understanding around mental health that I didn't want them to think, "she's not as bad as she says" and discount me. I don't want to be a joke. But now that I'm healthier I can explain it better and in a way that I feel they can handle better since they don't have to deal with me at my worst.
A lot of this stuff I'm just putting to words and realizing as I type it. I've been trying to really think through my motivations for things of late because I'm really trying to understand why I eat the way I do and what motivates me to choose the shitty things I do, etc. I'm trying to think through a lot of my urges as they happen so I can better handle them, so this is kind of part of it, too.
I guess another scary thing for me is my weight and not getting a handle on it. Part of me wonders if it comes into play with the relationship stuff. I know on a romantic level in the back of my head (something I've never actually voiced) I think, "when I lose weight I'll start looking for someone to date". But it's been literally years and I haven't lost the weight.
I wouldn't say it's a deterrent from me losing weight, like I'm not using it as a reason not to, but I think I'm using my weight as a reason not to date.
I could go on and on about this and about other things that scare me but I think everything all leads back to the things I've already mentioned.
Scared of being hurt and let down. I have trust & control issues, apparently, LOL. I remember taking a ballroom dance class and not being able to let the male lead me. I just… couldn't let myself do it. I had no idea what I was doing but I wasn't going to let someone else take control. I ended up only going to two or three of the eight classes.
I still can't find a 1080p download of Teen Wolf and I've been checking four+ different sources. *sigh* COME ON, INTERNET!
I don't really know what prompted it but I think I've been feeling a bit "off" for a couple weeks. Just kind of despondent and really angry at times. I've also noticed my urges to eat more in the evenings, or when I'm "bored" have increased in the past month or so, which is what I used to do when I was depressed. Once I rediscovered fandom I didn't have that problem as much.
So that leads me to today's meme task.
I'm afraid of a buttload of things. One of them is my depression returning. So far I've been so lucky that the very first medication I was put on worked and, with some adjustments, worked well. So the thought that perhaps it isn't as effective or I'm getting used to it or something is a bit worrying. I'm not concerned enough to go back to the doctor right now because this is the first really bad day I've had in quite a while and who knows what other factors come into play here - there's the weather, hormones, stress from work, my eating habits, I'm not feeling well aside from my headspace- there's a number of other things to consider.
I have an appointment scheduled for September for standing blood work follow up with my GP so I'll track things and if they keep going south I'll bring it up to him then. No sense in worrying about something that could turn out to be a false alarm, after all.
So other things that scare me? Lord, are you sitting down?
The dentist. Bugs (spiders especially but anything that crawls or flies scares the bejesus out of me generally). Toadstools. Claymation (seriously! It's just unnatural!). Transition lenses (the ones that change colour when you go inside/outside). FEET AND ANYTHING REGARDING FEET. Trypophobia (I'm not SCARED by circle things but oh WOW I can feel my anxiety levels rising when I look at particular images). Heights & small spaces.
More seriously I think I also have a fear of being alone, which is strange because I LOVE being alone. Or, as I've been thinking a bit more lately, maybe it's me telling myself I'm happier that way because it's easier. I don't like relying on other people for much of anything. I don't want to be disappointed. So it's more convenient for me to just go it on my own.
I'm not one of those people who commands attention or who friends drop what they're doing for. Like, I'm not someone a lot of my friends would choose to hang out with over someone else if something better came along. Hmmm, I don't know if that came out right because it makes them sound like shitty people.
Take this weekend for instance. I'm having a birthday party since the actual day is on Tuesday. I want to go to this place that has go karts and human hamster balls and batting cages and shit. I think I've mentioned it before. So I've invited a bunch of people, some are going on vacation and some have to work, which is obvs fine. But there are others who I told weeks ago about it that would have heard about my event first but if someone else planned something the same day and they committed to that they'd do that instead. Make sense?
I've never really "played well with others" since I did spend my formative years on my own and literally making my own fun. By the time I got to spend any decent amount of time around people my own age I was already happy on my own. But it also meant I was used to getting my own way, I guess, so that may have made it hard for me to be comfortable with friends in large groups and how to deal with them.
So I'm kind of scared of putting trust or faith in other people for fear of being let down and disappointed. Group work was never a great assignment for me in school, LOL.
I'm scared of being left out, too, so if I don't engage or put myself out there i can't be left behind, right?
I'm scared of showing weakness or sadness to some people and basically being unvalidated. I only started talking about my depression to my coworkers once i had a handle on it and could talk about it objectively. I was scared of them reacting like it wasn't as serious as it was because at work I could hide it… until I couldn't. And I wasn't standing on a ledge or anything. There's such a lack of understanding around mental health that I didn't want them to think, "she's not as bad as she says" and discount me. I don't want to be a joke. But now that I'm healthier I can explain it better and in a way that I feel they can handle better since they don't have to deal with me at my worst.
A lot of this stuff I'm just putting to words and realizing as I type it. I've been trying to really think through my motivations for things of late because I'm really trying to understand why I eat the way I do and what motivates me to choose the shitty things I do, etc. I'm trying to think through a lot of my urges as they happen so I can better handle them, so this is kind of part of it, too.
I guess another scary thing for me is my weight and not getting a handle on it. Part of me wonders if it comes into play with the relationship stuff. I know on a romantic level in the back of my head (something I've never actually voiced) I think, "when I lose weight I'll start looking for someone to date". But it's been literally years and I haven't lost the weight.
I wouldn't say it's a deterrent from me losing weight, like I'm not using it as a reason not to, but I think I'm using my weight as a reason not to date.
I could go on and on about this and about other things that scare me but I think everything all leads back to the things I've already mentioned.
Scared of being hurt and let down. I have trust & control issues, apparently, LOL. I remember taking a ballroom dance class and not being able to let the male lead me. I just… couldn't let myself do it. I had no idea what I was doing but I wasn't going to let someone else take control. I ended up only going to two or three of the eight classes.
I still can't find a 1080p download of Teen Wolf and I've been checking four+ different sources. *sigh* COME ON, INTERNET!