Fic: You'll Be the Death of Me (Dean/Castiel, PG-13)
Title: You'll Be the Death of Me
Rating: PG-13 for language and sex
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Word Count: ~3,000
Summary: It is October 1, 2014. Cas can’t help but laugh; it’s just so fucking priceless. The other him grimaces and says, “What happened?”
Author's Notes: Starts at 4.20 "The Rapture" and ends at 5.04 "The End." I had some fun with the time lines. Also, thank you to yeclek for being a lovely friend and beta. <3
X-posted to AO3
It is April 30, 2009.
Castiel appears in Dean’s dream and hands him an address.
Dean, of course, doesn’t realize the significance of this action.
Castiel doesn’t either, not really, not yet. But the moment he makes the decision to do this, the moment he appears in the dream, the moment he lifts his hand, paper held between his fingers, the entire course of his life changes. Right there, on the fishing dock manifested by Dean’s subconscious.
This moment marks the first time Castiel has ever, in his entire existence, disobeyed a direct order from heaven.
It does not go unnoticed.
Zachariah, always one to seize an opportunity, decides to give Castiel a somewhat unorthodox chastisement. He sends his soldier brethren to earth in order to bring Castiel back up to heaven, warning them that they cannot fail, even if it means they must forcibly rip Castiel from his vessel. They perform their duty admirably.
So now Castiel stands in front of Zachariah, in his true form, awaiting punishment. His powers have been stripped from him for the time being. He has known for awhile that this was coming, so he stands tall, braces himself for the pain.
But Zachariah has no intention of torturing him, physically or emotionally. Torture would merely frighten Castiel back into obedience. No, what Zachariah intends to do is change Castiel’s way of thinking completely.
And so he begins.
*
“Why have you taken me here?” Castiel questions.
Zachariah pauses for a moment to look him over, then responds, “You need to be made to understand why.”
He doesn’t elaborate. Castiel doesn’t expect him to.
They stand together, invisible to those around them, and watch in silence.
Castiel sees himself sitting on a park bench, asking Dean, “Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?”
Inevitably, Dean replies, “Okay.”
Castiel knows what he’s going to say next.
“I’m not a...‘hammer’ as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore...”
This Castiel is not yet finished speaking, but evidently, the Castiel of the present has heard what he needed to hear. Zachariah grips his forearm firmly, and the shouts and laughter of children in the distance, the gentle breeze in the air, and the sound of his own words spoken with Jimmy’s tongue all fade away into nothingness.
Castiel now hears only Zachariah beside him. “This was your first mistake.”
*
They land in a new location, again invisible, and Castiel recognizes where they are immediately.
“This will be quick,” Zachariah promises.
Castiel wasn’t worried.
The glow of a soda machine emits light against an otherwise darkened sky, and Dean stands next to it, praying. Castiel appears to him, of course.
When Dean begins to walk away and Castiel responds with the answer Dean had been looking for, a coy look, and the words, “Just so you understand...why I can't help,” Zachariah shakes his head and sighs to himself, clearly frustrated.
Castiel finds he does not particularly care what Zachariah thinks of him, especially when he hears Dean say, “Thanks, Cas.”
At this point, Zachariah once again takes hold him, and everything around them fades away as they depart.
*
“It’s time,” Zachariah says.
For this expedition, he has taken Castiel somewhere that is not familiar to him. He has also created a temporary vessel for him, one that matches Jimmy’s body perfectly, from his trench coat and tie to his perpetually spiked up hair.
Castiel does not understand.
“For what?” he inquires.
“For your lesson. You stay here for three days, and then you will be allowed to return to your true vessel. That’s all,” he adds, too innocently.
Castiel furrows his eyebrows in confusion, but Zachariah has already disappeared.
It’s time.
*
Castiel takes his first good look around, and sees nothing but wreckage. The streets are dirty and grimy and covered with garbage, the cars are old and broken down, and the buildings all have boarded up windows and look as if they’ve been abandoned for months, maybe years. There is no sign of life anywhere.
Powerless, Castiel does the only thing he can think to do. He stands by the side of the road and waits.
Eventually the total silence is broken by the rumbling of a car engine. A truck is driving by, and stops when the driver catches sight of Castiel. But when it pulls up beside him, the driver aims a shotgun out the window. It is not at all what Castiel expected.
“Who are you?” the driver asks, his voice clearly laced with suspicion, as if his gun hadn’t already given him away.
“I need a ride,” Castiel offers tentatively. He knows the gun cannot harm him, but he also knows the man in the truck probably doesn’t want to know that.
The man hesitates, then lowers his shotgun. “You’re not a Croat.”
Castiel does not know what that means, but says anyway, “I’m not.”
He is allowed into the man’s truck.
“Where are you headed?” he asks, after Castiel has awkwardly put on his seatbelt. It is the first time he has ever ridden in a car.
Castiel falters at the question. “I...do not know.”
“Well, I’m dropping some supplies off at Camp Chitaqua. I can drop you off, too.”
“Thank you,” Castiel says quietly.
*
In Camp Chitaqua, at least, there is life. The ground is green with wild plants, the camp is surrounded by trees, and, occasionally, cars will go by. People will, too, although every one of them-man, woman, and child-is holding a gun in their hands.
Castiel is still very lost.
Instinct alone is what drives him to walk up the stairs in front of one of the wooden buildings and push past the beaded curtain in the doorway. The room is dark-candles are the only source of light-and it smells very strongly of incense. Castiel does not like it.
He soon forgets about the candles, however, when he sees the man sitting in the middle of the floor, his legs crossed and his eyes closed.
It is like looking into a mirror, distorted though it may be. The man’s hair is excessively long, his face needs to be shaved, and his clothes hang on his body loosely. There is nothing angelic about him at all.
“Jimmy?” Castiel says, struggling to understand.
His mirror image opens his eyes, takes one look at Castiel, and begins to laugh. It takes him a very long to stop, and when he finally does, he says, “Don’t you wish?”
Castiel has nothing to say to that.
*
It is October 1, 2014.
Cas can’t help but laugh; it’s just so fucking priceless.
The other him grimaces and says, “What happened?”
“Well, we failed to stop the apocalypse, for one,” Cas explains.
His biting humor is lost on Castiel.
“Why are you here?”
“I...rebelled. I was cut off from heaven. Eventually the other angels left, my powers disappeared, and I became human.” Cas shrugs.
“Why?” Castiel questions, caught somewhere between astonishment and anger. “Why would you do that?”
“You know, I’m not sure,” Cas says, laughing. “It blows, man. Hence,” he gestures to himself, “the drugs.”
“I don’t understand.”
Castiel sounds so pitifully confused that Cas can’t help but feel sorry for him.
He decides to give himself a straight answer.
“I was convinced to choose humanity, to save them. And look where that fucking got them-and me.”
Castiel is almost unsurprised to hear himself curse now, too.
But then something else occurs to him.
“Where is Jimmy?”
“Oh, he’s long gone.” Cas stands, then, and adds, laughing to himself, “Speaking of people who are long gone...”
And then he leads Castiel to Dean.
*
Castiel has the unfortunate privilege of seeing Dean take out a Croat-his future counterpart has explained what they are-before Dean catches sight of the two of them standing side-by-side in the distance.
His jaw drops.
Cas laughs harder than ever at the sight of it, and even Castiel has to admit that the look on Dean’s face would be slightly comical under different circumstances. Now, however, he finds it nothing but tragic.
Dean quickly collects himself, and marches somewhat angrily to where the two are standing.
He’s staring at Castiel, but he is most definitely speaking to the man from his present when he says, “Cas, you know he’s not-”
“He is.”
“How do you know?”
“I know myself, okay?”
“How?”
“Zachariah.”
Castiel does not ask how he knows.
At any rate, he is somewhat overwhelmed with the sudden realization that this version of himself and this Dean know each other in ways that he and his own Dean do not.
“Look-” Dean begins, but Cas interrupts him.
“I have to go,” he says. “The girls will be waiting for me.” Castiel is even more perplexed than he was before, but Dean allows Cas to leave.
“He’s given up,” Dean explains. He has not been able to tear his eyes away from Castiel since he saw him, but Castiel gets the distinct impression that Dean is not really looking at him.
“What about you, Dean Winchester?”
Dean does not respond to the question. Instead he says, “Tonight, we’re taking out the devil.”
*
After being introduced to the other members of their team (who are given an explanation of “freaky angel time travel crap”), Castiel sits in on their meeting. Indeed, they are planning how best to kill the devil.
He witnesses Dean’s hardened edges firsthand as Dean comes up with a plan that will surely get his friends killed. He doesn’t even bat an eye.
Cas has a few protests, but when Dean asks, “Are you coming?” Cas replies, “Of course,” without a second thought. The way Cas refers to him as “fearless leader” is clearly not meant to be taken seriously, but evidently there’s a grain of truth there after all.
Castiel also learns that Dean has begun torturing again. He thinks shamefully of how he once convinced Dean to torture for information, and refrains from saying anything.
*
Somehow, as Dean seems to be avoiding them both, Castiel ends up riding in a car with himself. He is amazed that he can drive.
Neither of them speaks until finally Castiel breaks the silence with something he has been wondering.
“Who are...‘the girls’?” he asks, unsure if his phrasing is correct.
Cas laughs and replies, “You know the best part about being human?” He pauses to open a bottle and swallow a handful of pills. “Sex. Women.”
Castiel’s eyes go almost comically wide. He is astonished not only by this version of himself’s obvious iniquity, but also by his apparent newfound ability to lie.
Dean taught him well, it seems, and Castiel does not press the issue.
After some time, Cas says casually, “I’m driving to my death. You know that, right?”
“Of course,” Castiel replies. “But I am surprised that you do.” He recalls his future self’s easy response to Dean’s inquiry of whether or not he was coming.
Cas laughs the whole rest of the way there.
*
Once they arrive, one of the women, Risa, begins to have doubts. She thinks maybe it’s a trap, but Dean’s confidence assuages her fears.
Cas does not say anything.
They both go to their deaths.
Castiel says to Dean, “I’m sorry.”
Dean’s voice is caustic when he responds, “What for?”
“The Dean I know would have cared about his friends. He wanted to save people. I’m sorry you are no longer that person.”
Dean looks almost like he wants to punch Castiel. He turns, readying himself to face the devil, and spits out, “Good for him. I’m doing my job.”
“There is no denying that.”
Dean leaves, and Castiel is alone.
*
Back in heaven, Castiel faces Zachariah.
“I trust you learned your lesson.”
“I did,” Castiel responds, thinking privately that that is an understatement.
“Good!” Zachariah exclaims happily. “Then you may return to earth, and to your...charges.”
*
If Castiel sounds harsh when he says, “I don’t serve man, and I certainly don’t serve you,” it is only because he is remembering his own self’s unrestrained obedience and what Dean did to him.
Or worse, he is remembering what Dean did to himself.
*
In spite of all this, Dean manages to convince Castiel to rebel, to do what he had previously intended to and go against heaven’s orders. His own family.
It is easy for Castiel to forget the deadened look he once saw in Dean’s eyes when he looks into them now and sees them shining with determination.
*
Unfortunately it does not take long for him to remember.
Dean has separated himself from Sam, the Croatoan virus is spreading, and Castiel is becoming more and more human by the day.
He promises himself he will not turn to drugs or to women, at least, despite Dean’s best attempts. At this point he feels no desire to, and so he is certain in his ability to prevent the future.
*
Castiel is running from a pack of Croats when his toe catches on a rock, or on a pothole, or on something else, equally inconsequential. Whatever it is causes his foot to twist into an unnatural position, and he falls to the ground. He makes it back to the car on adrenaline alone.
When he complains of his foot, Dean tells him to quit whining and gives him a bottle of very strong painkillers.
After swallowing the pills, Castiel finds he does not mind so much that Dean hasn’t shown any sign of real concern for him.
He keeps that in mind for later.
*
They have sex once. Right after Sam says yes.
After he hears the news from a hunter who’s come from another camp, Castiel finds Dean in his room with his head in his hands. He doesn’t know when or how Dean found out, but he isn’t surprised. When it comes to Sam, Dean always knows.
Dean glances up when Castiel enters the room, and Castiel notes with some curiosity that Dean’s eyes are dry.
Dean catches Castiel looking him over, sets his jaw, and says, “What do you want?” He emphasizes the word ‘you’ like Castiel should be somewhere else, as if there’s anywhere else for him to go.
“Dean,” is the only thing he can think to say. He is still not completely used to human interaction.
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
Castiel doesn’t reply to that, but he does place a hand on Dean’s shoulder, a practiced movement that would’ve been second nature for someone born human.
Somehow this leads to Castiel carefully removing Dean’s treasured leather jacket.
Then he removes another layer of clothing.
Then another.
He very deliberately folds every piece of apparel after removing it, placing each one in a neat pile on the floor beside Dean’s bed. Castiel’s own clothes, when he sheds them, remain in an untidy heap.
Dean won’t meet Castiel eyes the entire time he does this.
When he finally fucks him, it’s rough and quick. Castiel lies on his stomach and clutches the cold sheets beneath his body so tightly his knuckles turn white. His moans are loud and long and decidedly un-angelic, but Dean doesn’t make a sound. Castiel can only imagine he’s clenching his teeth together, keeping himself from parting his lips.
Afterwards, as Dean dresses himself, he orders, “We don’t talk about this,” and then he leaves the room without another word.
It is not at all like how Castiel imagined making love to Dean.
He tries to forget about it by burying himself in women.
*
“You’re useless now, Cas,” Dean tells him conversationally, sometime afterwards.
“It’s your fault,” Cas responds.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Of course Dean doesn’t understand.
Castiel shakes his head and doesn’t bother to explain.
*
Dean’s changed, too. He hasn’t been the same since that day Sam said yes.
He’s ruthless now; he’s cold and pitiless and more easily prone to bouts of anger.
Somehow, they manage to capture a demon. They tie her up and keep her in the middle of a devil’s trap while Dean shouts questions at her. She does nothing but laugh in his face at first, and, well, maybe it’s just a coincidence that he has holy water and a syringe with him.
At any rate, the demon isn’t laughing for very much longer.
“I’d give anything not to have you do this,” Cas thinks but doesn’t say. Not now. He knows it won’t make any difference, knows Dean won’t care, knows Dean will do it anyway.
He has to leave the room when the screaming starts.
*
It is October 1, 2014.
Cas has been preparing himself for the raw pain of seeing a version of himself that is whole and complete and unaffected by war, that doesn’t have to try to cover up his discontentedness with drugs and sex. He swallows more pills than usual that day.
But he never sees himself.
What he sees instead is so, so much worse.
Dean.
(Zachariah is trying to teach another lesson.)
Cas is pretty sure he’s not stoned enough to face this.
Dean all but cringes when he sees him, and Cas can’t blame him because he once looked at himself like that, too.
And Cas had almost forgotten that Dean used to have morals, used to care, used to be funny. His eyes are bright with determination and Cas thinks maybe, just maybe, it was all worth it for another version of himself, somewhere. Maybe he does not fall, does not suffer, does not become human, completely and utterly, and does not live through rage and war.
Maybe Dean will learn the lesson Zachariah wants to teach.
Or maybe there’s even a version of himself that meant it when he told Dean he didn’t serve him.
He laughs at the thought of it because he knows it doesn’t matter, not for him and not for his Dean, the one he knows he will soon follow to his death.
This Dean, the one from the past, does not understand what’s so funny.
*
It is October 1, 2009.
Dean says, “Don’t ever change.”
Castiel smiles.
And doesn’t.
Rating: PG-13 for language and sex
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Word Count: ~3,000
Summary: It is October 1, 2014. Cas can’t help but laugh; it’s just so fucking priceless. The other him grimaces and says, “What happened?”
Author's Notes: Starts at 4.20 "The Rapture" and ends at 5.04 "The End." I had some fun with the time lines. Also, thank you to yeclek for being a lovely friend and beta. <3
X-posted to AO3
It is April 30, 2009.
Castiel appears in Dean’s dream and hands him an address.
Dean, of course, doesn’t realize the significance of this action.
Castiel doesn’t either, not really, not yet. But the moment he makes the decision to do this, the moment he appears in the dream, the moment he lifts his hand, paper held between his fingers, the entire course of his life changes. Right there, on the fishing dock manifested by Dean’s subconscious.
This moment marks the first time Castiel has ever, in his entire existence, disobeyed a direct order from heaven.
It does not go unnoticed.
Zachariah, always one to seize an opportunity, decides to give Castiel a somewhat unorthodox chastisement. He sends his soldier brethren to earth in order to bring Castiel back up to heaven, warning them that they cannot fail, even if it means they must forcibly rip Castiel from his vessel. They perform their duty admirably.
So now Castiel stands in front of Zachariah, in his true form, awaiting punishment. His powers have been stripped from him for the time being. He has known for awhile that this was coming, so he stands tall, braces himself for the pain.
But Zachariah has no intention of torturing him, physically or emotionally. Torture would merely frighten Castiel back into obedience. No, what Zachariah intends to do is change Castiel’s way of thinking completely.
And so he begins.
*
“Why have you taken me here?” Castiel questions.
Zachariah pauses for a moment to look him over, then responds, “You need to be made to understand why.”
He doesn’t elaborate. Castiel doesn’t expect him to.
They stand together, invisible to those around them, and watch in silence.
Castiel sees himself sitting on a park bench, asking Dean, “Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?”
Inevitably, Dean replies, “Okay.”
Castiel knows what he’s going to say next.
“I’m not a...‘hammer’ as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore...”
This Castiel is not yet finished speaking, but evidently, the Castiel of the present has heard what he needed to hear. Zachariah grips his forearm firmly, and the shouts and laughter of children in the distance, the gentle breeze in the air, and the sound of his own words spoken with Jimmy’s tongue all fade away into nothingness.
Castiel now hears only Zachariah beside him. “This was your first mistake.”
*
They land in a new location, again invisible, and Castiel recognizes where they are immediately.
“This will be quick,” Zachariah promises.
Castiel wasn’t worried.
The glow of a soda machine emits light against an otherwise darkened sky, and Dean stands next to it, praying. Castiel appears to him, of course.
When Dean begins to walk away and Castiel responds with the answer Dean had been looking for, a coy look, and the words, “Just so you understand...why I can't help,” Zachariah shakes his head and sighs to himself, clearly frustrated.
Castiel finds he does not particularly care what Zachariah thinks of him, especially when he hears Dean say, “Thanks, Cas.”
At this point, Zachariah once again takes hold him, and everything around them fades away as they depart.
*
“It’s time,” Zachariah says.
For this expedition, he has taken Castiel somewhere that is not familiar to him. He has also created a temporary vessel for him, one that matches Jimmy’s body perfectly, from his trench coat and tie to his perpetually spiked up hair.
Castiel does not understand.
“For what?” he inquires.
“For your lesson. You stay here for three days, and then you will be allowed to return to your true vessel. That’s all,” he adds, too innocently.
Castiel furrows his eyebrows in confusion, but Zachariah has already disappeared.
It’s time.
*
Castiel takes his first good look around, and sees nothing but wreckage. The streets are dirty and grimy and covered with garbage, the cars are old and broken down, and the buildings all have boarded up windows and look as if they’ve been abandoned for months, maybe years. There is no sign of life anywhere.
Powerless, Castiel does the only thing he can think to do. He stands by the side of the road and waits.
Eventually the total silence is broken by the rumbling of a car engine. A truck is driving by, and stops when the driver catches sight of Castiel. But when it pulls up beside him, the driver aims a shotgun out the window. It is not at all what Castiel expected.
“Who are you?” the driver asks, his voice clearly laced with suspicion, as if his gun hadn’t already given him away.
“I need a ride,” Castiel offers tentatively. He knows the gun cannot harm him, but he also knows the man in the truck probably doesn’t want to know that.
The man hesitates, then lowers his shotgun. “You’re not a Croat.”
Castiel does not know what that means, but says anyway, “I’m not.”
He is allowed into the man’s truck.
“Where are you headed?” he asks, after Castiel has awkwardly put on his seatbelt. It is the first time he has ever ridden in a car.
Castiel falters at the question. “I...do not know.”
“Well, I’m dropping some supplies off at Camp Chitaqua. I can drop you off, too.”
“Thank you,” Castiel says quietly.
*
In Camp Chitaqua, at least, there is life. The ground is green with wild plants, the camp is surrounded by trees, and, occasionally, cars will go by. People will, too, although every one of them-man, woman, and child-is holding a gun in their hands.
Castiel is still very lost.
Instinct alone is what drives him to walk up the stairs in front of one of the wooden buildings and push past the beaded curtain in the doorway. The room is dark-candles are the only source of light-and it smells very strongly of incense. Castiel does not like it.
He soon forgets about the candles, however, when he sees the man sitting in the middle of the floor, his legs crossed and his eyes closed.
It is like looking into a mirror, distorted though it may be. The man’s hair is excessively long, his face needs to be shaved, and his clothes hang on his body loosely. There is nothing angelic about him at all.
“Jimmy?” Castiel says, struggling to understand.
His mirror image opens his eyes, takes one look at Castiel, and begins to laugh. It takes him a very long to stop, and when he finally does, he says, “Don’t you wish?”
Castiel has nothing to say to that.
*
It is October 1, 2014.
Cas can’t help but laugh; it’s just so fucking priceless.
The other him grimaces and says, “What happened?”
“Well, we failed to stop the apocalypse, for one,” Cas explains.
His biting humor is lost on Castiel.
“Why are you here?”
“I...rebelled. I was cut off from heaven. Eventually the other angels left, my powers disappeared, and I became human.” Cas shrugs.
“Why?” Castiel questions, caught somewhere between astonishment and anger. “Why would you do that?”
“You know, I’m not sure,” Cas says, laughing. “It blows, man. Hence,” he gestures to himself, “the drugs.”
“I don’t understand.”
Castiel sounds so pitifully confused that Cas can’t help but feel sorry for him.
He decides to give himself a straight answer.
“I was convinced to choose humanity, to save them. And look where that fucking got them-and me.”
Castiel is almost unsurprised to hear himself curse now, too.
But then something else occurs to him.
“Where is Jimmy?”
“Oh, he’s long gone.” Cas stands, then, and adds, laughing to himself, “Speaking of people who are long gone...”
And then he leads Castiel to Dean.
*
Castiel has the unfortunate privilege of seeing Dean take out a Croat-his future counterpart has explained what they are-before Dean catches sight of the two of them standing side-by-side in the distance.
His jaw drops.
Cas laughs harder than ever at the sight of it, and even Castiel has to admit that the look on Dean’s face would be slightly comical under different circumstances. Now, however, he finds it nothing but tragic.
Dean quickly collects himself, and marches somewhat angrily to where the two are standing.
He’s staring at Castiel, but he is most definitely speaking to the man from his present when he says, “Cas, you know he’s not-”
“He is.”
“How do you know?”
“I know myself, okay?”
“How?”
“Zachariah.”
Castiel does not ask how he knows.
At any rate, he is somewhat overwhelmed with the sudden realization that this version of himself and this Dean know each other in ways that he and his own Dean do not.
“Look-” Dean begins, but Cas interrupts him.
“I have to go,” he says. “The girls will be waiting for me.” Castiel is even more perplexed than he was before, but Dean allows Cas to leave.
“He’s given up,” Dean explains. He has not been able to tear his eyes away from Castiel since he saw him, but Castiel gets the distinct impression that Dean is not really looking at him.
“What about you, Dean Winchester?”
Dean does not respond to the question. Instead he says, “Tonight, we’re taking out the devil.”
*
After being introduced to the other members of their team (who are given an explanation of “freaky angel time travel crap”), Castiel sits in on their meeting. Indeed, they are planning how best to kill the devil.
He witnesses Dean’s hardened edges firsthand as Dean comes up with a plan that will surely get his friends killed. He doesn’t even bat an eye.
Cas has a few protests, but when Dean asks, “Are you coming?” Cas replies, “Of course,” without a second thought. The way Cas refers to him as “fearless leader” is clearly not meant to be taken seriously, but evidently there’s a grain of truth there after all.
Castiel also learns that Dean has begun torturing again. He thinks shamefully of how he once convinced Dean to torture for information, and refrains from saying anything.
*
Somehow, as Dean seems to be avoiding them both, Castiel ends up riding in a car with himself. He is amazed that he can drive.
Neither of them speaks until finally Castiel breaks the silence with something he has been wondering.
“Who are...‘the girls’?” he asks, unsure if his phrasing is correct.
Cas laughs and replies, “You know the best part about being human?” He pauses to open a bottle and swallow a handful of pills. “Sex. Women.”
Castiel’s eyes go almost comically wide. He is astonished not only by this version of himself’s obvious iniquity, but also by his apparent newfound ability to lie.
Dean taught him well, it seems, and Castiel does not press the issue.
After some time, Cas says casually, “I’m driving to my death. You know that, right?”
“Of course,” Castiel replies. “But I am surprised that you do.” He recalls his future self’s easy response to Dean’s inquiry of whether or not he was coming.
Cas laughs the whole rest of the way there.
*
Once they arrive, one of the women, Risa, begins to have doubts. She thinks maybe it’s a trap, but Dean’s confidence assuages her fears.
Cas does not say anything.
They both go to their deaths.
Castiel says to Dean, “I’m sorry.”
Dean’s voice is caustic when he responds, “What for?”
“The Dean I know would have cared about his friends. He wanted to save people. I’m sorry you are no longer that person.”
Dean looks almost like he wants to punch Castiel. He turns, readying himself to face the devil, and spits out, “Good for him. I’m doing my job.”
“There is no denying that.”
Dean leaves, and Castiel is alone.
*
Back in heaven, Castiel faces Zachariah.
“I trust you learned your lesson.”
“I did,” Castiel responds, thinking privately that that is an understatement.
“Good!” Zachariah exclaims happily. “Then you may return to earth, and to your...charges.”
*
If Castiel sounds harsh when he says, “I don’t serve man, and I certainly don’t serve you,” it is only because he is remembering his own self’s unrestrained obedience and what Dean did to him.
Or worse, he is remembering what Dean did to himself.
*
In spite of all this, Dean manages to convince Castiel to rebel, to do what he had previously intended to and go against heaven’s orders. His own family.
It is easy for Castiel to forget the deadened look he once saw in Dean’s eyes when he looks into them now and sees them shining with determination.
*
Unfortunately it does not take long for him to remember.
Dean has separated himself from Sam, the Croatoan virus is spreading, and Castiel is becoming more and more human by the day.
He promises himself he will not turn to drugs or to women, at least, despite Dean’s best attempts. At this point he feels no desire to, and so he is certain in his ability to prevent the future.
*
Castiel is running from a pack of Croats when his toe catches on a rock, or on a pothole, or on something else, equally inconsequential. Whatever it is causes his foot to twist into an unnatural position, and he falls to the ground. He makes it back to the car on adrenaline alone.
When he complains of his foot, Dean tells him to quit whining and gives him a bottle of very strong painkillers.
After swallowing the pills, Castiel finds he does not mind so much that Dean hasn’t shown any sign of real concern for him.
He keeps that in mind for later.
*
They have sex once. Right after Sam says yes.
After he hears the news from a hunter who’s come from another camp, Castiel finds Dean in his room with his head in his hands. He doesn’t know when or how Dean found out, but he isn’t surprised. When it comes to Sam, Dean always knows.
Dean glances up when Castiel enters the room, and Castiel notes with some curiosity that Dean’s eyes are dry.
Dean catches Castiel looking him over, sets his jaw, and says, “What do you want?” He emphasizes the word ‘you’ like Castiel should be somewhere else, as if there’s anywhere else for him to go.
“Dean,” is the only thing he can think to say. He is still not completely used to human interaction.
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
Castiel doesn’t reply to that, but he does place a hand on Dean’s shoulder, a practiced movement that would’ve been second nature for someone born human.
Somehow this leads to Castiel carefully removing Dean’s treasured leather jacket.
Then he removes another layer of clothing.
Then another.
He very deliberately folds every piece of apparel after removing it, placing each one in a neat pile on the floor beside Dean’s bed. Castiel’s own clothes, when he sheds them, remain in an untidy heap.
Dean won’t meet Castiel eyes the entire time he does this.
When he finally fucks him, it’s rough and quick. Castiel lies on his stomach and clutches the cold sheets beneath his body so tightly his knuckles turn white. His moans are loud and long and decidedly un-angelic, but Dean doesn’t make a sound. Castiel can only imagine he’s clenching his teeth together, keeping himself from parting his lips.
Afterwards, as Dean dresses himself, he orders, “We don’t talk about this,” and then he leaves the room without another word.
It is not at all like how Castiel imagined making love to Dean.
He tries to forget about it by burying himself in women.
*
“You’re useless now, Cas,” Dean tells him conversationally, sometime afterwards.
“It’s your fault,” Cas responds.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Of course Dean doesn’t understand.
Castiel shakes his head and doesn’t bother to explain.
*
Dean’s changed, too. He hasn’t been the same since that day Sam said yes.
He’s ruthless now; he’s cold and pitiless and more easily prone to bouts of anger.
Somehow, they manage to capture a demon. They tie her up and keep her in the middle of a devil’s trap while Dean shouts questions at her. She does nothing but laugh in his face at first, and, well, maybe it’s just a coincidence that he has holy water and a syringe with him.
At any rate, the demon isn’t laughing for very much longer.
“I’d give anything not to have you do this,” Cas thinks but doesn’t say. Not now. He knows it won’t make any difference, knows Dean won’t care, knows Dean will do it anyway.
He has to leave the room when the screaming starts.
*
It is October 1, 2014.
Cas has been preparing himself for the raw pain of seeing a version of himself that is whole and complete and unaffected by war, that doesn’t have to try to cover up his discontentedness with drugs and sex. He swallows more pills than usual that day.
But he never sees himself.
What he sees instead is so, so much worse.
Dean.
(Zachariah is trying to teach another lesson.)
Cas is pretty sure he’s not stoned enough to face this.
Dean all but cringes when he sees him, and Cas can’t blame him because he once looked at himself like that, too.
And Cas had almost forgotten that Dean used to have morals, used to care, used to be funny. His eyes are bright with determination and Cas thinks maybe, just maybe, it was all worth it for another version of himself, somewhere. Maybe he does not fall, does not suffer, does not become human, completely and utterly, and does not live through rage and war.
Maybe Dean will learn the lesson Zachariah wants to teach.
Or maybe there’s even a version of himself that meant it when he told Dean he didn’t serve him.
He laughs at the thought of it because he knows it doesn’t matter, not for him and not for his Dean, the one he knows he will soon follow to his death.
This Dean, the one from the past, does not understand what’s so funny.
*
It is October 1, 2009.
Dean says, “Don’t ever change.”
Castiel smiles.
And doesn’t.